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夫妻之道——共同爱好成就永恒爱情 [Copy link] 中文

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Post time 2013-8-4 15:23:30 |Display all floors

Roland Nelson remembers receiving a slim, rectangular Father's Day present from his wife a few years ago. He was hoping for a circular saw and figured it was a gift certificate.
罗兰•纳尔逊(Roland Nelson)记得,几年前他从妻子那儿收到了一份父亲节礼物,那是个薄薄的、长方形的东西。他原本希望能收到一个圆盘锯,但收到礼物后,他觉得那应该是一张礼品券。
Wrong. It was a book, 'The Backyard Beekeeper,' and tucked inside was a note his wife had written: 'Take some time and read this and see what you think.' Mr. Nelson stared in disbelief. 'Why won't she drop this?' he thought.Julie K. Nelson had been interested in bees since childhood. For about a year─ever since she'd seen a backyard hive on a garden tour─she had been badgering her husband to take up beekeeping with her. She explained how healthy honey is and how bees would pollinate their fruit trees. She also told him how the bees would spark up their marriage. 'You have to take new opportunities to create memories and have things to talk and laugh about,' she says.
他猜错了。那是一本书,书名叫《后院养蜂人》(The Backyard Beekeeper)。书中还夹了一张纸条,是他妻子写的:“花点儿时间读一读这本书,看看你有什么想法。”纳尔逊盯着这些字,觉得难以置信,“她为什么还不肯罢休?”朱莉•k•纳尔逊(Julie K. Nelson)从孩童时期就对蜜蜂着迷。大约有一年时间──自从她在一次花园之旅中看见一个后院蜂房后──她就一直在纠缠丈夫,让他和自己一起着手养蜂。朱莉解释说蜂蜜有多健康、蜜蜂会如何给他们的果树传授花粉。她还告诉他,蜜蜂将如何点燃两人婚姻的激情。她说:“你得抓住新的机会来创造我们共同的回忆,日后我们才会拥有可以边聊边笑的往昔。”
Mr. Nelson's response? 'Bees sting,' he said. 'Why on earth would I want to bring thousands of them into my backyard?'
纳尔逊的反应呢? “蜜蜂会蜇人”,他说,“到底为什么我要把成千上万的蜜蜂带进自己的后院儿?”
Relationship researchers have long believed that couples who try new interests and recreational pursuits together─especially active ones─are happier. Shared experiences bring novelty to a relationship and help prevent boredom and complacency. New experiences also can activate the brain's reward system, flooding it with powerful neurochemicals related to pleasure and bonding─the same circuits triggered when a person first falls in love


There is a big caveat, though: To give your relationship a boost with a new hobby, both of you will need to enjoy it.
You could start from scratch, and try something brand new to both of you. But if your partner has a passion, don't you at least want to try to share it? You'll see a new side of your beloved. (Competence is sexy!) And you'll have your own private teacher. At the very least, you'll get bonus points for the effort.
你们可以从零开始,尝试一些对两个人而言都是完全陌生的东西。但如果你的伴侣对此饱含激情,你是不是起码也该想着尝试去分享它?你将会发现自己心爱的人的全新的一面。 (有一身本领的人是性感的!)。你们还将拥有专属于自己的私人老师。最不济的话,你起码也会因为这份努力而有所收获。
If this sounds easy, then you probably haven't ever been on a sailboat, ski slope, hiking trail or golf course with a perfectly outfitted, exceedingly proficient and overly gung-ho spouse.
Just ask my mom, who loves to paint and sew and whose idea of the perfect outdoor activity is a convertible drive to the frozen yogurt store. To spend time with my dad during their 49 years of marriage, she has camped, canoed, fished, sailed, skied and scuba dived. My family gets a big kick out of a home movie she took years ago while shivering in a duck blind on a pond in Minnesota. Dressed head-to-toe in camouflage, Mom is whispering into the camera: '5 a.m. and we're waiting for ducks.' You can hear dad's duck call, then Mom is back: '6 a.m. No ducks. . . . 8 a.m. still no ducks.' By 10, Mom is trying to stop giggling and Dad is glum and grumpy. You can imagine the canoe trip back to shore.
So how can couples enjoy doing something together that only one partner is passionate about?
et's start with the newbie. First of all, don't do it if you are going to act like a martyr, says Diana Kirschner, a New York psychologist and author of the book 'Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor's Guide to Lasting Love.' 'You are going to kill the joy for the person who is into the activity,' she says. Keep an open mind and push back your ego. Take direction.
让我们从入门级的新手说起吧。纽约的一位心理学家、《一切搞定:爱情导师教你长久相爱》一书的作者戴安娜•科斯切纳(Diana Kirschner)说,首先,如果你打算把自己扮成一个殉道者的角色,那就干脆不要做。她说:“那样的话,对于全身心投入到活动中的那个人来说,你将会抹杀他(她)的乐趣。”所以要保持开放的心态,让你的自我退后一步,然后再上路。

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Post time 2013-8-4 15:23:41 |Display all floors

Now for the proficient partner. Dr. Kirschner says this person has the harder job─making the activity pleasurable for the other person. She suggests 'rewarding' (also known as bribing) the newbie─'just as you would a child.' So repeat after me: 'I brought along your special chips.' 'Later we can have a nice dinner at that romantic restaurant near the ski slope.' 'The boat club serves an awesome rum cocktail called The Painkiller.'
The proficient partner needs to be patient and focus on the long-term goal─which is to introduce your loved one to your pastime so that he or she will want to do it again. In other words, the hike today might not be as demanding as you would like. 'You want to have a vision of a future where you are going to have a fantastic time together and will get even closer,' Dr. Kirschner says.
When one partner is outside his or her comfort zone, arguments can heat up quickly. This person might be terrified─and, really, is there anyone less empathetic than a spouse who doesn't share your sense of danger? 'The other person feels inept and less-than,' Dr. Kirschner says. 'This kind of negative thinking spills into conflict and distance in the relationship.'
Luckily, there's an easy solution: Applause. The proficient partner needs to heap praise on the newbie for his or her effort. ('What a fantastic partner you are to come along. I really appreciate it.') The newbie, meanwhile, needs to amp up the admiration for the proficient partner's skill. ('The way you skied that black diamond was amazing!')
'Those words mean a lot,' Dr. Kirschner says. 'Men, because they are so achievement-oriented, seem to respond to them even more than women.' There's no predicting, though, whether men or women are better at being the newbie.
Stanley Bernstein, a 56-year-old securities litigator living in New Rochelle, N.Y., did something drastic a few years ago to spend more time with his wife. He laced up a pair of ice skates.
为了多陪陪妻子,现居纽约州新罗谢尔市(New Rochelle)、今年56岁的证券诉讼律师斯坦利•伯恩斯坦(Stanley Bernstein)曾在几年前做了一些极端的事。他穿上了一双溜冰鞋。
Vivian Bernstein, an interior designer in her late 40s, had taken up figure skating as an adult and was skating five days a week. Mr. Bernstein thought he might have skated once when he was 10. 'We were taking separate but equal vacations,' Mr. Bernstein says. 'She would skate, and I would play golf.' He asked his wife to golf with him. She gave him a pair of skates.
室内设计师维维安•伯恩斯坦(Vivian Bernstein)在40多岁时以成人学员的身份开始学习花样滑冰,她一周有五天会去滑冰。而斯坦利记得自己好像在10岁的时候曾滑过一次冰。他说:“我们过去都是各自分开休假,但假期性质差不多。她会去滑冰,而我去打高尔夫球。”斯坦利曾要妻子和他一道去打高尔夫,妻子却回赠了他一双溜冰鞋。


Mr. Bernstein admitted he was scared. Ms. Bernstein took him to a rink where he would be unlikely to see anyone he knew. She taught him to 'walk like a duck' with a side-to-side glide. He was practicing in a corner of the rink─'crouched down, my heart racing, petrified of falling,' he recalls─and a 10-year-old boy skated up and said, 'Hey, Mr. Bernstein. You wanna race?' Behind him was his snickering father, an attorney Mr. Bernstein knows from a rival firm
斯坦利承认自己当时被吓到了。维维安带他去了一家室内溜冰场──他不太可能在那里碰到任何熟人。维维安教他要“像鸭子一样走路”,左边滑一下、右边滑一下。斯坦利便躲到滑冰场的角落里去练习──他回忆说:“我蹲了下来,我的心脏狂跳,因为害怕摔倒而僵在那里。”──然后有一个10岁的男孩儿朝他滑来说: “嘿,伯恩斯坦先生,你想跟我比试一下吗?”站在男孩儿身后的是他窃笑的父亲──斯坦利对手公司的一位律师,斯坦利认识他。
Mr. Bernstein stuck with it, and now the couple travels to national competitions, goes on Saturday night skate dates and takes their young grandchildren to the rink. 'I'm never going to play for the Rangers, but it's a fun thing to do together,' Mr. Bernstein says. 'It keeps things from getting boring,' Ms. Bernstein says.
Mr. Nelson, meanwhile, read the beekeeping book. 'I thought, maybe this isn't so bad,' says the 49-year-old university purchasing agent in Orem, Utah. He agreed to go with his wife to a beekeepers meeting, then to classes. Three years ago, they bought two hives, two bee suits and 24,000 honeybees.
On the way home from the bee distributor, with the honeybees buzzing in boxes in the back of their station wagon, Ms. Nelson, a 49-year-old author and professor of education and behavioral science, felt elated. Her husband was sweating and planning his escape route. 'I thought I'd made a big mistake,' he says. But after they'd set up the hives, Mr. Nelson watched the bees fly in and out and was amazed at what the two had accomplished.
The first time they extracted honey, the bees swarmed them and somehow got inside Mr. Nelson's pants. He promptly stripped them off, neighbors be damned.
Now, though, the couple is a beekeeping team, dividing responsibilities and communicating carefully about who will do which tasks.
'If you create fun, enriching experiences together, you reinvent yourself and your marriage,' Ms. Nelson says. 'You look at your partner in awe.'

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