Author: confusedexpat

Struggling with decision to head home for good [Copy link] 中文

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Post time 2013-7-12 16:15:50 |Display all floors
This post was edited by Bygones at 2013-7-12 16:16
messi30 Post time: 2013-7-10 17:25
This kind of questions tells not only the problem you have to adjust yourself to a foreign country ...



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Post time 2013-7-12 16:16:57 |Display all floors
This post was edited by confusedexpat at 2013-7-12 16:17
messi30 Post time: 2013-7-10 17:25
This kind of questions tells not only the problem you have to adjust yourself to a foreign country ...


If I had stopped loving him, things would have been easier for me.
I would have simply  packed up and left Beijing.
What confuses me is that fact I love him, but I don't want to live in Beijing and leave my parents behind anymore.

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Post time 2013-7-12 16:33:14 |Display all floors
confusedexpat Post time: 2013-7-12 15:57
Yes, I DID talk to him about this. But he is hesitant whenever I bring up this issue. He's afraid  ...

Well, my personal view is your bf has not guts to fight for the relationship and for you, he is selfish and letting in you all the burden.
My personal experience (and reading from several foreign poster in this forum) was to fight for a better life and for my love partner, why? I love her deeply and even i miss my relatives in my country, it is me who is building a future for my own family, i used to live in 3 different countris and i follow my fate, my fate is my wife, children and my work and I would able to go to any place if is for the benefit of my family.

I think is time to be selfish and think in yourself first.

Denial, according the psychoanalysts, is one of the most primary mechanisms of defense. It consists in the attitude of denying or minimizing obvious facts of reality with which the individual can´t  cope or whose irresponsibility is unable to meet.

And I agree.

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Post time 2013-7-12 16:35:19 |Display all floors
confusedexpat Post time: 2013-7-12 16:16
If I had stopped loving him, things would have been easier for me.
I would have simply  packed up ...

Love in a relationship should be based from both and the efforts to keep it alive too.
Denial, according the psychoanalysts, is one of the most primary mechanisms of defense. It consists in the attitude of denying or minimizing obvious facts of reality with which the individual can´t  cope or whose irresponsibility is unable to meet.

And I agree.

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Post time 2013-7-12 16:39:02 |Display all floors
You have to watch closely if any Chinese girls have laid eyes on your successful husband
Life is what you make of it

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Post time 2013-7-12 21:27:58 |Display all floors
Well, it seems that you are unable or unwilling to adjust to living in China.

He is vague and hesitant to discuss this tricky topic: that is The Chinese Way. If you keep pushing, he will be evasive, then eventually, he will get angry if you keep pushing him.

You said he has a good career there. He also has parents to take care of, I bet. In order to continue this relationship, either you have to be more Chinese, or he has to be more American. Of course you both make efforts to do both, but one person has to make the sacrifice of losing one's homeland.

My feeling is that he would be happier in the USA than you are in China. Most people who immigrate to the USA are happy, if only they make some effort to adapt. Even then, we have our sub-cultures here. For instance, if you lived somewhere near a good Chinatown, so he doesn't have to TOTALLY give it up.

Here is my suggestion. Talk to him about this. Tell him he cannot avoid it forever, and suggest that we just face it now with an open mind.

Suggest that you stay in China with him for now, but that he needs to apply for a visa to become a permanent resident in the US. If that is too much at first, get him a tourist visa and at least take a long vacation here. Let him see what normal life is like here. Clean air, less crowding, less competition everywhere, less stress, better healthcare, longer lifespan, more freedom, etc.  Make an agreement that you will pay together to help his family immigrate here, so that you can take care of BOTH of your families.

It is a lot of work, expense, and time, but worth a try if you really love each other.

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Post time 2013-7-12 23:27:24 |Display all floors
confusedexpat Post time: 2013-7-12 16:04
I've talked to him for a couple of times, but his attitude is so vague to me.
He enjoys living in  ...

I think you have answered your own questions and concerns. You either need to get okay with making a life for you in China or stay home and start a new life without him. I know how tough that is. If your not his first priority now, you probably never will be. That does not mean he should give up his life in China, but if he is not bending over backwards to help you adjust and be happy in his world you should not expect much more than that in the future.

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