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Struggling with decision to head home for good [Copy link] 中文

Rank: 1

Post time 2013-7-10 13:45:20 |Display all floors
About two years ago I agreed to move to Beijing with my boyfriend (of 5 years) to accommodate a new employment opportunity for him. I gave up my job as a teacher back home and have since struggled with that decision.

I want to be supportive and to build a life with him, but I cannot deny that I am extremely unhappy living in Beijing. Aside from the actual problems with living in China (air pollution, food quality, and overall lack of civility and common sense), I hate being unemployed, having to depend financially on someone else, and being so far away from my aging parents. I was always taught to believe that there are no guarantees in life and you always need to have the ability to take care of and protect yourself.

I am back in the states for a while to clear my head and figure out what to do. After a few months, my head is still spinning. This man is the love of my life and we both want a future together, but I no longer know how to balance what is best for our relationship and my own personal needs.

It is easy to say, “why doesn’t he just go home with you” or “why can’t you just find a job in Beijing”, but every expat knows that it is easier said than done especially in China. I am completely lost and heartbroken and looking for advice from those who can understand what I am going through. Thanks!


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Rank: 6Rank: 6

Post time 2013-7-10 16:28:28 |Display all floors
A relationship is always about compromise......... from both parties. It shouldn't be too difficult for you to get a teaching job in China. But.......if after five years you really don't like living there (*but you did make an effort?) then your boyfiend should consider compromising. If he loves you he will want you to be happy. If this means making sacrifices he should be willing to make them. I guess this is a test of love.

* I suspect that you have some "issues" with a different culture. Yes the food is different but not bad. I even cook Chinese food when I am back in the UK. Lack of civility and common sense? I think you are not understanding the culture. Ideally you need a Chinese friend who speaks English to help you understand this. Once you embrace the culture and understand Chinese thinking you will see that actually they are a very friendly people.

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Rank: 8Rank: 8

Post time 2013-7-10 17:25:41 |Display all floors
This man is the love of my life and we both want a future together, but I no longer know how to balance what is best for our relationship and my own personal needs.


This kind of questions tells not only the problem you have to adjust yourself to a foreign country, you also have doubts about your feelings for him.  Seems you have two issues here.

First at all you should clarify your mind about your love partner and take the right desicion about him. After you are sure he is the man of your life you have to talk clearly with him about your problems and decide together a solution, especially in the work matters. If you discover that he is not the right person, skip it and end that relationship in good terms.

All marriages or couples living together especially from different cultures should surpass all the culture differences  patiently and good communication. If both of you already tried it hard and you still feeling the struggles, give yourself a second chance if the guy is a good man.
Denial, according the psychoanalysts, is one of the most primary mechanisms of defense. It consists in the attitude of denying or minimizing obvious facts of reality with which the individual can´t  cope or whose irresponsibility is unable to meet.

And I agree.

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Rank: 3Rank: 3

Post time 2013-7-10 23:22:44 |Display all floors
You have not told us how he feels about this or what if anything he has done to help you. Just going on what you have said then it sounds like for the most part you are miserable in Beijing. What are your doing for long term plans with him? Have you discussed these issues with him more than once? I have found with my Chinese GF that I need to bring a subject up many times and get her to talk about it before we can really make any plans.
What little you told us I would say stay in the States but I think there is much more to the issue than you have chosen to reveal.

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Rank: 4

Post time 2013-7-11 07:38:24 |Display all floors
Can you get a decent job in the US? Good enough to support the two of you for a while until he's marketable?

If so, then you should talk to him about the possibility of his moving here to be with you.

Speaking of which, what did he say when you DID talk to him about this? I'm sure you talked to him, right?

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Rank: 1

Post time 2013-7-12 15:57:48 |Display all floors
Smaug Post time: 2013-7-11 07:38
Can you get a decent job in the US? Good enough to support the two of you for a while until he's mar ...

Yes, I DID talk to him about this. But he is hesitant whenever I bring up this issue. He's afraid to lose.
He wouln't take the chance to have a new life in the States.
I'm sure I can get a stable job back home.
I'm so confused. I hate to leave my parents behind and suposingly "enjoy" my life alone.

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Rank: 1

Post time 2013-7-12 16:04:16 |Display all floors
Danybrit Post time: 2013-7-10 23:22
You have not told us how he feels about this or what if anything he has done to help you. Just going ...

I've talked to him for a couple of times, but his attitude is so vague to me.
He enjoys living in China, but I don't.
He has a good career in China , but I haven't got one.
I got parents to take care of, yet I still have love feelings for him.
I'm totally lost

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