Author: Smaug

Trying to understand my Chinese girlfriend. HELP!   [Copy link] 中文

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Post time 2013-1-26 04:06:17 |Display all floors
Your gf is already a prosperous woman as you described, she doesn´t need extra money but
but
but
in her mind she could think that she deserve something better than a local man, probably she thinks a foreigner is a good option to acomplish her dreams, a white man , to have white children.
No way. She has been single 7 years. We work in an international company, she has plenty of chances to talk to western guys. She did not pursue me, I pursued her.

In China society succesful people (same as regular ones) lives in a constant competition, who makes more money, who have better background, who have better house, better car, etc. and..........also who have a ¨better¨ love partner and a white foreigners is the best option however he looks, mabye the last part of my observation is what she cares more and its what i think.
She's not like that. She's the least materialistic person I know. She can afford a car, but chooses not to have one.  Rather, she lives where public transit is all she needs. She never buys anything she doesn't need, but when she needs something she buys the best one she can find. She doesn't need me in any way, least of all for status.

You know, we chatted again today, and she is considering dumping me for my lack of faith in her. If she does, then it will all be a moot point. I'm not going to give ground here. My feeling jealous because she said "OK" when someone offered to find her a boyfriend is never acceptable to me. I will forgive her for it if she doesn't do it again, but she wants me to promise to have complete faith and trust in her. I said if I were that kind of guy, I wouldn't be an atheist.

When somebody is in love there is not room to keep silence, you know that right? ...and a person could be discret and keep private her personal life but when a person is in love should behave as is in love, simple.
That's my opinion. But you know, sometimes I'm not as good as I should be at keeping my silence. Keeping my mouth shut at work, for example...

Again, my best advice is to get rid of her, all her answers in the conversation about your initial post makes me doubt in her.

She is cold as a rock and a challenging woman, i like challenges too but i never gonna challenge my wife or love partner.
You know, sometimes, I think she is cold, because she doesn't talk very much. Doesn't respond. When I met her and lived with her, I could tell she was feeling things, even when not talking. Sometimes, she is thinking. Sometimes, she is just feeling things inside. Many times, she would think with her arms around me. She's just a quiet person. Maybe I'm being naive because I'm in love and I'm going to get burned.

I think what it is, is that she is a perfectionist, and has very high and unrealistic expectations from a man. She can have lots of things with me she couldn't have with a typical Chinese guy, but she will also lose some things. Like complete cultural understanding.

Thanks again for your advice.

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Post time 2013-1-26 04:17:25 |Display all floors
People in China, however successful they are, still want to fly away to a developped country, and it's a lot easier for women since they can get married and get PR. There are articles every week about how the nouveau riche with extremely comfortable lives want to emigrate to Western countries.
If she were a gold-digger and/or passport hunter, why would she be giving me such a hard time? She would be on her best behavior, trying to seem perfect in my eyes.


Remember that the Chinese culture doesn't make people feel remorse for lying.
Well, I think you're right about that...

So, it would be quite normal for her to be dating with other guys -and denying it- while keeping in touch with you, so that she can widen her chances.
It would be normal.......if she were a dirty slut. If she were, I would know by now. ;-)


And going away to date other women when you are still married is actually cheating.
I told my wife I was leaving her. She filed for divorce. She is fighting me as hard as she can to take everything from me, so it is going to take many months. Meanwhile, I found a great lady, so I'm not going to wait for our sluggish, expensive legal system to put it in writing.

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Post time 2013-1-26 09:20:00 |Display all floors
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Post time 2013-1-26 18:03:07 |Display all floors
huaren2323 Post time: 2013-1-25 11:02
I wonder if you made any tangible and serious commitments about your relationship. Your weekly call  ...

???????

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Post time 2013-1-27 01:34:36 |Display all floors
Well Smaug, Good luck but your Girlfriend is at the worse end of the stick. Do you know what a big deal for her with you living with her and her son while you visited. It is not like here in North American that making outis like ordering a take out at MacDonalds. Man, are you blind? even her building guards and neighborhood kids knows she already "committed" to you...and to a Laowei (better than GuiaLo=translation foreign devil).

If you are not prepared to accept the many challenges that comes from marrying across culture then at least be a good person and make an effort that you are going to commit in whatever shape or form in a manner that BOTH of you find acceptable. In anticipation of your divorce settlement.... I find your action very selfish even by our North American standards. Did she knows that you came with this heavy baggage?

I really admire the courage of your girlfriend is taking the hit while you planted your flag of reservation but yet have yet to step up. She had in fact by her own action accepted you by having you live with her while you were "visiting".

In chinese saying you have each foot on two separate boats. Decide which boat or you will loose both.
It is the self-respect and moral conscience that I am talking about of the other boat that is not her.

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Post time 2013-1-27 03:34:57 |Display all floors
This post was edited by Smaug at 2013-1-27 03:35
Do you know what a big deal for her with you living with her and her son while you visited. It is not like here in North American that making outis like ordering a take out at MacDonalds. Man, are you blind? even her building guards and neighborhood kids knows she already "committed" to you...and to a Laowei (better than GuiaLo=translation foreign devil).


Well, according to some guys on here, it is not a big deal, since to them, she is a "passport hunter" and/or "gold digger." But I feel the same as you. She introduced me to her son, her son's English teacher, her daycare lady, (who lives downstairs from her) her son's piano teacher. This is way too much for a "passport hunter" so I don't believe those other guys. Thanks for re-affirming this.


If you are not prepared to accept the many challenges that comes from marrying across culture...

Stop there. I am ready; I only need to make sure she is the right woman. For example, she cannot totally dominate me. She will come for a visit with her son this summer (has her visa already) and see how the life is here. Live with me, and see how that is. Immigration challenges are yet to come. I am not treating her like a toy; she is a great woman.

We worked out the jealousy issue through several emails and hours of chatting, plus a 2.5 hour phone call this morning. (her evening)


In anticipation of your divorce settlement.... I find your action very selfish even by our North American standards. Did she knows that you came with this heavy baggage?

Yes, I told her in one of our first chats that I was married. She told me she was divorced with a 9 year old boy. She felt very guilty, like she was the cause of my divorce; a home-wrecker. Said it is a big dishonor to be this woman, in China. I reassured her that my marriage was going badly, and she did not break up the marriage, but only made me do it now, instead of waiting until I was COMPLETELY miserable. Still, she feels guilt, but we talked about it and we know our path going forward. She will wait patiently.

I really admire the courage of your girlfriend is taking the hit while you planted your flag of reservation but yet have yet to step up. She had in fact by her own action accepted you by having you live with her while you were "visiting".
Yes, she has courage, and trust. Paperwork for divorce takes a long time, if the spouses are fighting. Legally, I am still married, spiritually, divorced. Lots of folks take issue with that, but if I waited until it was legally complete, I would be miserable for months. Is it selfish to not want to be miserable for so long, just for paperwork? Or is it OK to grab a great thing when I see it, so she does not get away from me? I hope not, but if so, OK. I was honest to all parties the whole time.


In chinese saying you have each foot on two separate boats. Decide which boat or you will loose both. It is the self-respect and moral conscience that I am talking about of the other boat that is not her.

I have decided. I will be with her; my Chinese girlfriend who is capable of being rational and not making every decision just from emotion. The one who is willing to wait for my divorce to be final.

Do you know, we are not 100% sure we will end up together, neither of us. But as soon as I can, I will marry her, unless something goes horribly wrong. She will live with me for a while. I will live with her for a while. We will not be married until we are SURE, because we have both made marital mistakes in the past.

Thanks for your thoughtful responses, and not just jumping in with "you are a dirtbag" or "she is a gold-digger" like some other guys are so quick to do.

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Post time 2013-1-27 05:13:14 |Display all floors
Smaug Post time: 2013-1-26 04:17
If she were a gold-digger and/or passport hunter, why would she be giving me such a hard time? She w ...
If she were a gold-digger and/or passport hunter, why would she be giving me such a hard time? She would be on her best behavior, trying to seem perfect in my eyes.


Because she's trying to accelerate things to get that green card by making you jealous and wouldn't want you to change your mind. That "boss is setting her up with other guys" thing is for you to actually think she can have other options so that you act quickly to bring her to greener pastures

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