Author: murphycanada

Some Jokes [Copy link] 中文

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Post time 2009-8-31 06:10:25 |Display all floors

The monkey and the lizard!

monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past,> looks up, and says to the monkey, "Hey! What are you doing?"> The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."> So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they share a few> puffs. After a while the lizard says his mouth is "dry" and is going to> get a drink from the river. Once at the river, the lizard is so stoned> that he leans too far over and falls into the water.> A Crocodile sees this, swims over to the lizard, and helps him to the> side; then he asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard> explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the> monkey in the tree, got too stoned, and then fell into the river while> taking a drink.> The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle,> finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he> looks up and says, "Hey!"> The Monkey looks down and says...."Fuuuuuuuuck,......DUDE,.......how much> water did you drink?!!"

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Post time 2009-9-1 01:01:33 |Display all floors

Grandma

A five-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. He was playing

with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture. He

suddenly asked, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma said, "Honey, I don't want a boyfriend, my TV is like my boyfriend.

I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep

me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I don't

have to cook or clean after my TV,

I'm very happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma stopped working and turned on the TV, the picture was horrible. She

started adjusting the knobs and hitting on the backside of the TV, she kept

smacking it, hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door. When

he opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said,

"Hello son, is your grandmother home?"

The little boy replied, "Sure come on in, she's in the bedroom bangin' her

boyfriend."

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Post time 2009-9-1 01:12:49 |Display all floors
Last week Saddam received a coded message, reportedly from "W" Bush himself.

It read: 370HSSV-0773H

Saddam was stumped and sent for his remaining Republican Guard. They were totally stumped too, so they passed it to the top Iraqi programmers who spent 2 days trying to decipher it. Knackered, the programmers sent it to the remnants of Saddam's Secret Police. The Director of the Police suggested Saddam should turn the message upside down...

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Post time 2009-9-1 01:16:11 |Display all floors

One for the girls‏

In the beginning God created Eve. And she had 3 breasts. After three weeks in the garden, God came to visit Eve.

How's things, Eve?" He asked. "It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful but I just have this one problem. It's these three breasts you've given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes, they're a real pain," reported Eve.

"That's a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals, what, six? So I just figured you'd need half, but I see that you are right. I'll fix that up right away!"

So, God reaches down and removes the middle breast, tossing it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden. "Well, Eve, how's my favorite creation?" He asked. "Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one small oversight on your part.

You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram, the cow has her bull, all the animals have a mate, except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment. "You know, Eve, you're right. How could I have overlooked this!  You do need a mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you! Now, let's see where did I put that useless tit?"

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Post time 2009-9-1 01:19:04 |Display all floors
A farmer was sitting on his porch one day
when a young man drives in and comes to the door.
  "Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milkweed in your pasture. Would you mind if I went out and got some milk?"
"You don't get milk from milkweed!" the farmer replied.
"Oh yes," said the young man, "I have a degree in Agriculture from the University of Gueph, I know all about it."
"Well, help yourself," said the farmer.
He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets full of milk.
The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch when the same young man drove up.
"Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk, I noticed you had some honeysuckle in the fence row. I wondered if you would mind if I got some honey?"
"You don't get honey from honeysuckle!" said the farmer.
Again the young man explained about his degree from UofG so  farmer agreed to let him collect some honey. Soon the young man came back to his car with two buckets full of honey.
The next day the same young man drove up to the farmer's house.
"Sir, yesterday when I was getting the honey, I noticed you had some pussy willow down by the creek."
The farmer said, "Let me get my shoes and I'll go with you..."

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Post time 2009-9-1 22:03:06 |Display all floors

Quick One‏

Guy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep.

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Post time 2009-9-1 23:50:39 |Display all floors
Originally posted by murphycanada at 2009-9-1 01:19
A farmer was sitting on his porch one day
when a young man drives in and comes to the door.
  "Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milkweed in your pasture. Would you mind if  ...



I don't get this.

Thanks for the great articles

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