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Some Jokes [Copy link] 中文

Rank: 4

Post time 2009-8-31 05:32:43 |Display all floors
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a  67-year-old.

In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.  We drank a bit, and a had a bit of a snuggle, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.

"What's that?" I asked

"It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said.

I said, "No, but I would sure like to..."  - excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was "my lucky night..." and we went back to her place.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?

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Post time 2009-8-31 05:35:32 |Display all floors

Not a joke but nice story.

A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year old son waiting for him at the door. SON: "Daddy, may I ask you a question?" DAD: "Yeah sure, what is it?" replied the man. SON: "Daddy, how much do you make an hour?" DAD: "That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?" the man said angrily. SON: "I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?" DAD: "If you must know, I make Rs.100 an hour." SON: "Oh," the little boy replied, with his head down. SON: "Daddy, may I please borrow Rs.50 ?" The father was furious, "If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I work hard everyday for such this childish behavior." The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door. The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money? After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down and started to think: Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that Rs.50 and he really didn't ask for money very often. The man went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door. "Are you asleep, son?" He asked. "No daddy, I'm awake," replied the boy. "I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier" said the man. "It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the Rs.50 you asked for." The little boy sat straight up, smiling. "Oh, thank you daddy!" He yelled. Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills. The man saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again. The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his father. "Why do you want more money if you already have some?" the father grumbled. "Because I didn't have enough, but now I do," the little boy replied. "Daddy, I have Rs. 100 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow I would like to have dinner with you" The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little son, and he begged for his forgiveness. It's just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts. Do remember to share that Rs.100 worth of your time with someone you love. If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days. But the family & friends we leave behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives. And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than to our family.

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Post time 2009-8-31 05:44:22 |Display all floors

Bitches to the End

Man, I'll tell ya, women are cold until the end!

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well.. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS..' The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'

'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order

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Post time 2009-8-31 05:45:31 |Display all floors

Manners‏

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners asks the students "Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady. How would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

"Just a minute, I have to go piss."

"That would be rude and impolite!!! What about you John, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table. And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper

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Post time 2009-8-31 05:47:12 |Display all floors

blonde

A blonde drops off a shirt at the cleaners... On the way out the door, the lady at the counter says " Come Again"... The blonde says "no its toothpaste this time you nosey bitch!".

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Post time 2009-8-31 05:55:58 |Display all floors

Fire truck‏

Firefighter

If you don't laugh at this one, you're not breathing.

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.'

Thanks,' the girl replied.The firefighter looked a little closer.

The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.

The little girl replied thoughtful, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

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Post time 2009-8-31 05:59:04 |Display all floors

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK‏

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK

          I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

          A half-gallon of 2% milk,
         A carton of eggs,
         A quart of orange juice,
         A head of romaine lettuce,
         A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
         A 1 lb. package of bacon.

       As I was unloading my items on the co nveyor belt to check
out, a
       drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in
front of the
      cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the
drunk
      calmly stated, "You must be single."

      I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was
intrigued by the
      derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at
the six
       items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about
my
     selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my
marital status.

       Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know
what,
       you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know
that?"

     The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

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