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I love my parents but... [Copy link] 中文

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Post time 2009-4-25 23:53:59 |Display all floors
I know some people in here will not like if I say I do not like my parents. I even feel I hate them.
But this is the only way I can think of saying my frustration and depression. This is my story.

My family is from shanghai. I live with my parents in the house they buy. We are not rich but we are not really poor. I grow up just like every other child. Spoiled by my parents and very strict. I feel it is because they love me very much so I always obey to follow them all the time. When I graduated from school and I work, I feel the freedom for the first time. I am able to meet new people and make friends without my parents tell me ok or not ok. I go out and play with friends and colleagues.
Then I met a boy. He pursue me and very serious he likes me. And I think he is good boy for me. At first I hide from my parents about this boyfriend. I later tell my parents and ask me if he is a good boy and if he is rich. I say he is not rich but care me very much and I love him too. I introduce him to them. At first they say ok. But later they ask me to leave him for he is not suitable for me. I tell my bf that my parents do not approve. He just left me say nothing. I now know he really is not serious and love me deeply. I was hurt very much for I care for him. Maybe he feel I am not suitable for him too.
I meet other boys in the internet and date some. Also some foreigners. But I feel not comfortable and feel they just want to play me. I finally meet one boy. He is also from shanghai like me. He is good to me and show me caring so I like him. He is very honest and happy person to be with. I liked him a lot and fall in love with him. He is just simple character. I decided to stay together with him. He live in small apartment but neat and clean. I see his character in the way he take care of his home even he is just rent it. He can cook delicious food. I know this boy is a good person. He treat me very well. I feel I am queen together with him. I keep secret to my parents about my relation because I feel they will disagree. Later I tell my parents about him and show them our photos. They immediately disagree and say to me to leave him because he is not suitable for me and he is poor and do not have house and they feel he is bad person. I get very hurt what they say. I cry a lot. I later tell my bf. He asked me to follow what I feel in my heart. I choose to continue with him. I feel my parents will change the mind maybe later.
One day my parents suddenly upset and ask me why I still stay together with him. I tell them I am happy with my bf and love him and he love me and take good care of me very well. My mom cry a lot and scream and beg me to leave him and stay at our home and not see him anymore. I cry a lot for I do not want to leave my bf but my mom pressure me and make me promise to leave him. She say many threats and tell me to find a rich man instead. I know my mom say this because she is jealous of the other relatives who already married with rich boys. She has nothing to say when we meet together with our relatives so she always push me to find a rich boy to marry. Although, I really do love my bf very much and we already lived together for more than two years, I feel it is my duty to obey to follow my parents wishes and it is pain in my heart to see my parents cry. I stop communication with him and ignore all his call, messages and emails and chat. I met him secretly and told him to leave me and because of my parents. I tell him I love him very much but I must obey my parents. He try to argue but I am already very tired and left him there.
I obey my parents and dated only who they like for me to date. They introduce me a boy. He is much older to me. And my parents like him. We dated and after a few months we get married and have nice wedding. He buy a apartment for my parents and give them money. He later buy another apartment in Beijing where we now live. I think I am happy with him. I have money and a big apartment to live and my parents are also happy. The first few months are good. I sometimes travel with my husband to his business trips. Then he change and start not coming home and sometimes very late and smell of alcohol. He shout at me and treat me like a maid. I still do my duty as wife. I feel he already lost his love for me. I really feel I am just an object or furniture in the house to him. He even beats me if I make mistake or argue with him. Now he is always in shanghai or somewhere because he say it is for work. One time he come home very drunk and sleep. I curious to see his phone for it indication of incoming message. I see messages of other women and with naked photos and also me. I am very hurt and shocked. I feel crazy and crying a lot. My husband has mistresses. I confront him about it later but instead he become very angry and beat me because I demand divorce. He said if I divorce he will take back the house he buy for my parents and also kick me out of the house here in beijing and we must pay compensation to him. What can I do. I do not have work and my parents already sell their house before. I stay inside the apartment alone for more than one week because my face is black and swollen. I am not smart girl and try to call police but they ignore and say it is normal and be good wife. One terrible thing he did is leaving me with one foreigner client in the ktv. He and his colleagues went out and say they need to talk outside. And then the guy started to touch me! I ran out and look for my husband but I cannot find him. I went home alone and confronted him later. He become very upset and tell me why I left his client alone. When I tell him what the client did he don't believe and even blame it is my fault. Today I call my parents and tell them all what happened in my life now. I am very hurt of what they say to me. My mom say it is ok and just bear with it, marriage life is sometimes have problems, all will will change later, be a good wife and do not do anything stupid. I feel crazy!
I have some money, I have house but I am very unhappy and lonely. I feel so guilty. I leave the person who I really love and loves me very much to obey my parents. Now that I am suffering in this marriage they even blame me that these problems are all my fault. My ex bf now hates me and all of our common friends in shanghai. I have no face to show if I go back in shanghai. More than four years of suffering and I cannot do anything but cry silently and alone. I know I am not the only one who is suffering because of the stupid choice of obeying the parents for money and rich. I show a happy face to all but deep inside my heart is pain and a life that is ruined. I am 35 now and no baby because my husband do not want. I cannot even have a pet dog.
It is true not all can money buy. Happiness is being with someone you love and loves you dearly.
I hope some of you reading my story will choose wisely and learn from my mistakes. I love my parents but now I feel I hate them for they are selfish and greedy and for what they make me choose. I break the heart of the one who truly loves me and ruined his life and all our plans for our future together. I always believe my parents care and love me but now I feel so alone. If time can go back I will choose to follow my heart. Money can be earn by working hard. House can have if saving money. A simple happy life with love is more treasure than the pleasure of things money can buy.

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Post time 2009-4-26 14:50:33 |Display all floors
Originally posted by suffering2 at 2009-4-25 23:53
I know some people in here will not like if I say I do not like my parents. I even feel I hate them.
But this is the only way I can think of saying my frustration and depression. This is my story. ...


i am sorry for your suffering experience. it really hurt. Parents, lovers or husbands, and friends are precious and essential to our happiness in life. But from
your description, they seem to be  all away from you and leave you alone. Especially parents, they will not abandon us even all the world leave us.How could
your parents always consider themselves and  only care money but not your happiness?  How terrible!

However, things are always better than we have  thought. Don't be so desperate.Try to have a conversation with some of your friends or relatives who care
about you, and tell them honestly what have happened to you and ask them for  advice and help.Don't be afraid of the shame,and  they will try hard to help you
since they care about you.   If i were you, i would difinitely divorce with him and find a job  firstly to support yourself. After the divorce ,normally you will get part of the possessions owned by your husband and you, which may include  the house he bought for your parents. Keep looking for your happiness! Good luck!:)

[ Last edited by amylhz at 2009-4-26 02:51 PM ]

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Post time 2009-4-26 15:23:45 |Display all floors
Originally posted by amylhz at 2009-4-26 14:50


i am sorry for your suffering experience. it really hurt. Parents, lovers or husbands, and friends are precious and essential to our happiness in life. But from
your description, they seem  ...

Hi Amylhz,,
you gave her good advice.The girl was a victim of her parents who unfortunately do not care about their daughter's happiness and care more about money.
Parents love their children it is definite however parents who lead their children by the nose and ignore their sentimental world are selfish. and destroy their children.
The girl sounds quite weak to defend herself.
How she could get married to a husband she did not love so easily and forget the guy she was in love with?
I could never abandon the one I loved as long as he also loved me .No way and never.
I find it difficult for her  to get a divorce.
I hope she will be more mature one day and be right to herself.
We need our parents' advice when we are small chidlren ,after we grown up chidlren advise their parents.
I really    love China,半个 中国 人

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Post time 2009-4-26 15:45:04 |Display all floors
Originally posted by suffering2 at 2009-4-25 23:53
I know some people in here will not like if I say I do not like my parents. I even feel I hate them.
But this is the only way I can think of saying my frustration and depression. This is my story. ...

I am sorry to hear your present situation. From your description, I seemed to see a lady with tears in her eyes, hopeless, helpless, dispair, and gloomy.
You obeyed your parents' willing to marry someone rich, you didn't want to hurt them, but now it seemed that you hurted yourself a lot. Marriage is really a serious topic. We choose someone to get married, that is, we will spent most of our lifetime with this person. If you don't love him or there is no love between you two. How can the marriage last?
If I were you, I would divoice with your present husband. You are only 35, you are still young. You have just lived about 1/3 times of your lifetime. There is still a long way to go. Your husband treats you badly and mercilessly. You should leave him at once. He beated you---it is called "family violence". If you sue him, he will be punished by the law. If you divoice with him, you can live a life as you like and choose someone you love and who cares you. So please be brave and make a right choice for yourself this time. Good luck!

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Post time 2009-4-26 16:04:49 |Display all floors
Originally posted by xilaren at 2009-4-26 15:23

Hi Amylhz,,
you gave her good advice.The girl was a victim of her parents who unfortunately do not care about their daughter's happiness and care more about money.
Parents love their children i ...

Dear Xilaren, thank you for agreeing with me. yes, i also find she is quite weak to defend herself . Hope she will be brave soon . God bless her!

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Post time 2009-4-26 23:53:06 |Display all floors
Thank you for all your advise and comments.
I am weak and tired of all the arguing with my parents. At that time, I do not wish to disappoint them and see them crying and be heart-broken and loose face from our relatives because I disobey them. I am afraid of them especially my mom. I believed they love me and care for my happiness but now I feel doubt and very hurt.
I hate this "loose face" and "find a rich man" tradition!!! For some comfort in the life I sacrifice happiness and the love. I miss the happiness I feel when I was with my ex-bf. We are always happy everyday even with a small rented apartment. Cooking together and watching TV and sleeping. It is my paradise and peace. I regret so much. Now I have material things but no happiness and only pain. Some temporary pleasure that never feel any happy in the heart.
I have no possessions. All is buy from my husband money. I feel I am like the girl sold by my parents. I don't want to be beaten so I keep silence. As I said in my story I try call police but only get ignore from them. If divorce I have nothing to support myself. I don't have any real friends here in beijing and I have no face to come back to shanghai.
This world has been so much driven to seek the material things and comfort. And now think happiness is equal to status and being rich. I was told long time ago there is no such tradition to seek house and status and money to be with someone to love. Why now all is seeking rich person to marry. What will happen to all the poor. Are they not allowed to be happy and to love?
I am sorry. I am very confused and sad. I wish I had different parents and have open-mind and not over-control and kind and supportive and not selfish and not envy with others.
I just hope now that some people can be helped to choose wisely and inspiration about how they want to live their life with my life story. Find happiness. Find joy in the heart.

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Post time 2009-4-27 00:57:24 |Display all floors
I do understand your pain and condition.  But I also believe the saying "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger".  Please find strength in yourself and try to figure out ways to get out of this terrible condition.

Is there any way that you can find some kind of job to start to support yourself?  That will be the first step.  Any jobs like secretary, waitress, etc.?  I know these probably are not the ideal jobs in your mind, but it is a start.  Believe me, in the long run, it's much better to support yourself with your own job than living like a sex slave - which will make you lose more self esteem and confidence in life.  

If it's not possible to find a job in Beijing, how about Shanghai?  Please forget this "lose face" concept.  Your physical and mental welfare is much more important than "losing face".  Plus whomever judge you because of your problems are narrow minded and whom you should stay away from.

Your English is fairly good.  I'd start to look for a job anywhere in China to get away from your abusive husband first, if I were you.  Please be strong and take care of yourself.

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