Author: cestmoi

Happy Independence Day [Copy link] 中文

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Post time 2008-7-6 17:15:42 |Display all floors

And there's this joke.....

UK Government Statement to US Senate
Home Office (London, UK) to the People of America

To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.

You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z'(pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise".
You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
You should learn to distinguish the British and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. British accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast British actors to play British characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game.

Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American"football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.
The Russians have never been the bad guys.
"Merde" is French for "----".
You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in Britain. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts.
You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat.
The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer, which should be served warm and flat.
Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager".
The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Ceské Budejovicé a.k.a. Budweis, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA.
The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your cooperation
"他不是救星, 他是一个非常淘气男孩" - Monty Python

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Post time 2008-7-6 17:17:55 |Display all floors
Originally posted by cestmoi at 2008-7-6 12:08
You read the Hansard? You need to get out some more...

Anyway, back to Independence, I have been reading up on the participants, looking at it from both sides. Looking at it from the British sid ...


Look, Hansard just came up in the search ...  ALRIGHT!

But yes, I do need to get out more.
(mostly harmless)

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Post time 2008-7-6 21:49:26 |Display all floors

some folks love 2 preach...

Originally posted by seneca at 7/6/08 08:20 AM


Not so happy post by a naive bloody ignoramus. I've met uncounted native Americans on assignment here in China. Or as tourists. I don't think they would be happy with yourhypocritical fart.


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Post time 2008-7-7 00:20:42 |Display all floors
Originally posted by emucentral at 2008-7-6 03:15
UK Government Statement to US Senate
Home Office (London, UK) to the People of America

To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to elect a suitable Presid ...


That is pretty good. It would be funny to have an American retort to that produced. Just off the top of my head, I would say that it's ironic that the British originated English, but have some of the most garbled, unintelligble English speakers in the world. And "Zed" is a character in "Pulp Fiction", not a letter. "Zed" doesn't event fit when recounting the alphabet. Also, we will beat you with a stick if you keep pronouncing schedule as if the beginning was "sh."  Oh, and please learn the proper pronounciation of "th" (Hint: There's not "f" there.).

And, if you must refer to American football players as "nancies," then you are also required to strap on some equipment (or don't, if you feel you are that much of a man) and line up in whatever position you choose. You will soon find out that American football players are twice as big, twice as fast and hit twice as hard as rugby players and padding merely helps you from getting killed, not hurt. Then, you will understand we can call it whatever we want.

I think I would then go on about bad teeth, even worse food (The English complaining about others food is probably how the word ironic was invented.), pining over lost empires and criticizing (Yes, with a damn "z," thank you) them for gallingly calling baseball boring when they invented the numbing and incomprehensible game of cricket. It would be a lot of fun.

[ Last edited by unimane at 2008-7-6 10:26 AM ]

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Post time 2008-7-7 03:47:11 |Display all floors

Wonder...

How many Iraqis are wishing America 'Happy Birthday'...?

Wonder how many Iranians WILL ever wish America a 'Happy Birthday'...?

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Post time 2008-7-7 05:48:06 |Display all floors
Originally posted by ganzhuolin at 2008-7-7 05:47
How many Iraqis are wishing America 'Happy Birthday'...?

Wonder how many Iranians WILL ever wish America a 'Happy Birthday'...?



About as many Americans, Australians & Europeans who will wish China a "Happy Birthday"
"他不是救星, 他是一个非常淘气男孩" - Monty Python

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Post time 2008-7-7 06:26:44 |Display all floors

That's So?

The Chinese almost singlehandedly made the Aussies rich in the last decade.  So you ingrate feel nothing for China??  That apparently is not the sentiment of other Aussies, who hope and pray every day that China continue to do well.

Citing Iraq as example, how many Australian schools, hospitals, power plants, water treatment plants, sewage treatment plants, and medicinal manufacture plants did China bomb?  Do you really see a similarity there?  Or you just plainly hate any and all things China blindly and without reason, Emu?

[ Last edited by tongluren at 2008-7-7 06:29 AM ]

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