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Are you a giver or a taker?|
Learn how to better communicate with your partner, friends and family
By Dr. Janet Taylor
Let me ask you a question: Are you a giver or a taker?
My hunch is, if you hesitated more than ten seconds, you are a taker — because we givers know right away what category we fall into. In case you are still clueless, think about your own lives. If you exhaust yourself daily, cleaning, cooking, working, and then organizing your household without any family support or assistance (and they are all fully capable), then you are a giver. I am not talking about what you have to do for a special occasion like a holiday. I am referring to the day-in and day-out dance of doing for others and leaving yourself totally out of the mix. The end result is that you are dog-tired, sleep-deprived and pissed off because no one recognizes just how hard you are working.
我感到，如果你犹豫了十秒以上，你就是受与者--因为给与者们会立马知道自己的类型。 为了防止你仍不知道，想一下自己的生活。如果你每天独自没有任何家人帮助或支持（而他们完全有能力）地打扫、做饭、工作、然后整理家务后精疲力尽，那么，你就是一位给与者。我不是再说你在某个例如一个节日的特别场合下要做什么，而是指每天从早到晚为别人做事，从不考虑自己。 最终后果是你会累得筋疲力尽，睡眠不足，而且由于你的辛勤没受到认可而生气。
The roots of our giver tendencies come from our childhood. We all have a need to be loved. You may have found that most people, especially parents, don’t respond well to spoiled or demanding children. Avoiding the wrath of your mom, or an extremely mean teacher, meant sharing nicely, speaking softly and never, ever talking back. Can you see where I am going with this? Or maybe you were one of many in a large family or a dysfunctional family or a large, dysfunctional family where survival mode required staying under the radar. The end result was that you learned that it was better to be a pleaser than a demanding taker, with no guarantee of your needs being met. Being a giver enabled you to make friends, be invited over to visit for play dates with a seemingly endless stream of birthday invitations. How many of us grew up hearing “It is better to give than to receive”? Yup, believed it then; now it’s like, Yeah, right.
给与者倾向的根源来自儿童时期。 我们每个人都有一种被爱的需要。也许你发现了多数人、尤其是父母们、对被宠爱或过多要求的孩子反应不很妥当。 要回避愤怒的母亲、极端刻薄的老师意味着令人满意地去分享、绝对不顶嘴。 你知道我在说什么吗？或，也许你是一个大家庭、或一个非正常运作家庭、或一个非正常运作的大家庭中的一员。 生存需要被人们关注。最终你发现和一个提要求、而不能保证被满足的受与者相比，做一位取悦者要更好。作为一名给与者让你结交朋友，被人们邀请。 多少人在成长过程中会听到”做给与者比受与者更好？“的话? ‘恩、是的’ 我们在那时就信了； 现在呢，就好比，’对，没错‘
As women, not only are our brains wired for “giving,” we are socialized into relationship patterns of self-sacrifice and self-silence. In her book, "The Female Brain," Dr. Louann Brizendine writes about the female brain being wired to connect deeply in friendship, read voices and faces for emotion and defuse conflict. It is no wonder that when we are stressed, we pull our loved ones closer, taking care of their needs and neglecting our own. In my own household, where both myself and my husband work, my children never ask my husband what is for dinner. It is always, “Mom, what’s for dinner?” One time, I was on a business trip across on the West Coast, he was home and they called me to ask me what they were going to eat. I told them to ask their father and hung up.
对于女性来说，不但”给与“有天生的成分，而且在社会化的过程中形成了”自我牺牲“和”保持沉默“的关系规律。 在Louann Brizendine博士的新书《女性大脑》中，作者讲述女性大脑如何天生设计为建立深厚友谊、从讲话和面部表情中分辨情绪、和和解矛盾。难怪当女人在有压力的时候会找来所爱的人；照顾他们的需求而不是自己的需求； 在我家，我和丈夫两人都工作，我的孩子从不问我丈夫晚上吃什么。总是”妈，晚上吃什么？“ 有一次，我在出差，孩子们都在家，并打电话给我问晚上要吃什么。 我说去问你们的爸爸，然后把电话挂了。
Men can be givers as well. All it takes to be a giver is someone (taker) who is willing to receive. Takers may get a bad rap. I mean, how nice it would be to be self-centered, entitled, and narcissistic and still get what you want handed to you on a silver platter. The main description that comes to mind is that takers are selfish. News flash: Givers can be selfish, too. When one gives as a means of controlling another one, that is selfish.
男人们也能成为给与者。 一切只需要做一位让人(受与者）愿意被给与的给与者。给与者也许会被批评。我是说，做一位以自我为中心的、自诩的、自恋的、而且仍可让你想要的东西被送上跟前的人有多好啊。给人的主要印象是受与者是自私的。 特别提示：给与者也可以是自私的。 当给与成为一种控制另一人的方式，就变得自私起来。
The bottom line is this: The process of giving and taking is a dynamic of every relationship. Giving, receiving and sacrificing are how our relationships are tested and hopefully grow. If you are a taker and know it, flip the script and give a little bit. Givers, relax, instead of doing — speak up and ask for what you want or need. Take for a while, it really is OK. Ask yourself: How is my giving or taking serving me now?
总而言之：给与和受与的过程是每一个关系中都存在的动态。 给与、受与和奉献是关系被检验、并成长的方式。如果你是受与者，并且知道了这点， 反过来、稍微去给与一点。给与者们，放松，不要去做事--而是大声地说出去要求你想要和需要的。有时，去被受与也是完全Ok的；问一问自己： 目前，我在给与或受与上做的如何了？
Here are some tips:
* Pay attention to your feelings and motives when giving or receiving.
* Don’t be afraid to communicate your own needs.
* Be aware of the signals that you give off.
* Realize that you can change your behavioral patterns and responses.
[ Last edited by hly_2009 at 2008-1-22 05:05 PM ]