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The Halo Effect(e-c)practice (updated)(final) [Copy link] 中文

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Post time 2008-1-6 12:15:01 |Display all floors

By Martha Beck

Are you the kind of person who thinks she's being good (self-sacrificing! angelic!) by cooing over things you hate and sucking up to strangers for tiny morsels of approval? Martha Beck encourages you to hang up your wings.

你否认为是那种讨好自己讨厌的东西(自我牺牲!扮演天使),为了获得一点点承认而讨好陌生人?Martha Beck来鼓励你收起你“天使翅膀”

Causes and Consequences of Approval Prostitution

We approval whores are people who will do anything to get affirmation and acceptance from others. Approval whores like me tend to think that we're being good (saintly! angelic!) when we let others have their way with us in exchange for a hit of praise. The people in our lives are likely to reinforce our sickness, because we'll do pretty much anything to please them, and what's not to love about that?


Here's what: Being dependent on approval—so dependent that we barter away all our time, energy, and personal preferences to get it—ruins lives.


This is a good time of year to see what I'm talking about, because during the holidays even the most upstanding citizens are pressured to act a little slutty, approval-wise. You know the story: You coo in false delight while gnawing Aunt Wanda's petrified fruitcake or simulate ecstasy over a hand-knitted sweater that makes you look like an Amish land whale. Don't be ashamed; a little social prostitution during the holidays is virtually universal. However, if you are an approval whore year-round, this season may deepen your dysfunction to the point where your efforts to please become truly exhausting and other people's appreciation is less and less rewarding. If you feel drained or angry as the season progresses, it's time to get off the street. Learn to respect yourself. Give yourself the gift of the real you, clean and sober.

别害臊;这个节日里,扮演一点社交妓女是家常便饭。 不过,如果你一年到头都是一个认可妓女,也许此时会让你的不良习惯加深;取悦会变得疲惫不堪,
而别人做出的欣赏会回报度会逐渐缩小。 如果节日进行时,你产生精疲力尽或生气的感觉,那么,是该”弃妓从良“的时候了。学会尊重自己。把做一个真实的、干净的、头脑清醒的自己当成是今年给自己的礼物。

Pleasing others is like sex: When we do it because we really want to, it's a wonderfully life-affirming way to strengthen a relationship, but when it's motivated by obligation, powerlessness, or calculated advantage, it's the very definition of degrading. The key to an authentic emotional life, like the key to an authentic sex life, is to follow your real desires.


Suppose that every morning of this holiday season, you asked yourself what you really, truly wanted to do that day, and then did just that. Would you spend time you don't have buying things you can't afford for people you don't like? I didn't think so. Would you bake goodies, decorate, light the menorah or the Kwanzaa candles? Maybe. Would you engage in activities you love, in the places you love, with the people you love? Oh, yeah. That would be terrific!

你会去烤出好吃的东西、去装饰房间、点亮烛台吗? 我认为也许会。
你会从事你所喜爱的活动,呆在你喜爱的地方,和你喜爱的人在一起吗? 哇塞!那太好了!

So do it.

[ Last edited by hly_2009 at 2008-10-29 09:10 PM ]

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Post time 2008-10-29 21:40:35 |Display all floors

Clarify Your Own Morality

In our world of commingled cultures and traditions, we may confront innumerable moral codes, all different from one another. There is simply no way to gain approval from each of these disparate sources; trying to do so will make you feel even worse. Instead, clearly define your own moral code and then stick to it whether or not others approve. Right now think of something you plan to do during this holiday that you don't want to do: host a boorish guest, send greeting cards to folks you barely know, overspend to the point of serious financial strain.Then pretend that your best friend, rather than you, is the one contemplating this action. What would you say is her moral obligation? Don't think manners; think ethics. Would it be truly immoral for your friend to invite only guests she likes, or send no greeting cards, or buy fewer presents? Take some time figuring out your real beliefs.


If you decide your unpleasant plans aren't moral requirements, but you do them anyway, you're pimping yourself out. Anything we do solely to please others, in the absence of either real desire or moral necessity is a way of selling ourselves, our lives, our energy.Ask yourself whether the dose of approval you expect to gain from this behavior is worth losing a piece of the real you. I'd be the last one to judge you if the answer is yes. All I ask is that you be aware that this is prostitution, not virtue.


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Post time 2008-10-29 21:45:17 |Display all floors
Get Approval for Getting Disapproval

One of the best ways to break your dependency on approval is to set up a situation in which the only way to get approval is to get disapproval. When I taught college-level sociology, I used to assign students to choose a social norm they thought was wrong or just plain silly, then deliberately violate it. The more disapproval they got, the higher their grade.

  要打破你对认可的依赖最好的一个方法就是搭建一个环境。在这个环境中唯一让你获得认可的方式就是去获得不认可。 在教授大学社会学时,我常常会布置让学生去选择一个他们认为错误或根本就是愚蠢的社会规范,然后去蓄意地违反它。他们获得的”不认可“量越多,得到的分数就越高。

Once they were pursuing my approval (not to mention that of 90 classmates), some of my most people-pleasing students became embodiments of civil disobedience. One coed brought a homeless woman to lunch at her sorority house. A popular football player wore his grandfather's lederhosen to a nightclub. Another student went to church with "Resist religious intolerance" written on each forearm in magic marker. They all succeeded in garnering high levels of disapproval, which meant high levels of approval in my class. The realization that they could tolerate social censure was a major liberation; suddenly, these students felt free to be true to themselves, even when others condemned their actions.


To use this strategy, call a friend, tell her you're going out to get some disapproval, and ask her to lavish you with praise afterward. It works even better if you have several people—your best buddies, your therapy group, your sewing circle—waiting to hear the tale of your rebellion.The genius of the technique is that whether or not you carry through with your intentions, someone is going to disapprove. Learning to deal with that could prevent a lifetime of selling out.

  要运用这一策略,你可以打电话给一个朋友,告诉她你要出去获得一些”不认可“,再让她在事后对你大加认可。如果有一个以上的人-- 他们是你的最好的朋友们、你的治疗小组、织衣小组--会等着来听你叛逆的故事,那么这个策略效果就更好了。这个技巧的聪明之处在于不论你是否完成了你的计划,总有人会不认可。学会应对这一点能帮助你预防一生的出卖自我。

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Post time 2008-10-29 21:49:10 |Display all floors
Agree to Disagree

When approval whores disagree with others, we react by not reacting. Instead of voicing our real position, we smile, nod, make cheerful mumbling sounds. As a result, everyone from the John Birch Society to the Hells Angels may think we agree with them. Some of us fear that if we begin voicing disagreement, we'll lose our friends and family. If this is true for you—if these people accept you only because you agree with everything they say—they're not friends or family, they're just customers from whom you regularly obtain your favorite drug. This is a thoroughly unhealthy situation.


Next time someone voices an opinion that contradicts your own, don't play dumb. Voice your thoughts and see what happens. At worst, you'll weaken a bond that wasn't authentic. At best, you'll find that you can disagree with someone and still be loved. This is the way to build genuine relationships instead of tentative, bartered alliances based on the currency of compliance.

   下一次,当有人的观点和你矛盾,不要装聋作哑。说出你的想法,看看会发生什么,最糟糕地情况是你将会减弱一个本不真实的关系程度;最好的情况是你将会发现你将能和某个人意见不同而依然可以获得爱。 这才是建立一个真正的关系,而不是一个试探性的、以物换物、基于以“服从”作为货币的联盟关系。

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