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The Halo Effect(e-c)practice (updated)(final) [Copy link] 中文

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Post time 2008-1-6 12:15:01 |Display all floors
THE HALO EFFECT
"天使效应"
angel.JPG

By Martha Beck

Are you the kind of person who thinks she's being good (self-sacrificing! angelic!) by cooing over things you hate and sucking up to strangers for tiny morsels of approval? Martha Beck encourages you to hang up your wings.

你否认为是那种讨好自己讨厌的东西(自我牺牲!扮演天使),为了获得一点点承认而讨好陌生人?Martha Beck来鼓励你收起你“天使翅膀”

Causes and Consequences of Approval Prostitution
认可妓女的起因和后果

We approval whores are people who will do anything to get affirmation and acceptance from others. Approval whores like me tend to think that we're being good (saintly! angelic!) when we let others have their way with us in exchange for a hit of praise. The people in our lives are likely to reinforce our sickness, because we'll do pretty much anything to please them, and what's not to love about that?

我们这些认可妓女是那些会做一切事情以求获得别人认可和接受。
像我这样的认可妓女往往当我们什么都由着别人以换取一丝赞美的时候认为自己在做好人(圣人!天使!)
而那些我们生活中的人们往往会把我们的这种病态增强,因为我们我们会做一切事情来愉悦他们。还有什么不让人们去喜爱的呢?

Here's what: Being dependent on approval—so dependent that we barter away all our time, energy, and personal preferences to get it—ruins lives.

问题:依赖于认可--相当依赖以至于我们用自己所有的时间、精力和个人喜好作为交换条件来获得它---这会毁掉生活。

This is a good time of year to see what I'm talking about, because during the holidays even the most upstanding citizens are pressured to act a little slutty, approval-wise. You know the story: You coo in false delight while gnawing Aunt Wanda's petrified fruitcake or simulate ecstasy over a hand-knitted sweater that makes you look like an Amish land whale. Don't be ashamed; a little social prostitution during the holidays is virtually universal. However, if you are an approval whore year-round, this season may deepen your dysfunction to the point where your efforts to please become truly exhausting and other people's appreciation is less and less rewarding. If you feel drained or angry as the season progresses, it's time to get off the street. Learn to respect yourself. Give yourself the gift of the real you, clean and sober.

此时,正好是一个观察我讲的东西的很好时机。由于在节日里,即便那些最直来直去的公民们要不得已去在认可方面表现得像一点“妓女”。
你是知道的:在品尝你姨妈做的硬得像石头般的水果蛋糕时表现出假惺惺地喜悦心情;或试穿让你看上去肥得像陆地鲸鱼的一件手织毛衣时装出的兴奋。
别害臊;这个节日里,扮演一点社交妓女是家常便饭。 不过,如果你一年到头都是一个认可妓女,也许此时会让你的不良习惯加深;取悦会变得疲惫不堪,
而别人做出的欣赏会回报度会逐渐缩小。 如果节日进行时,你产生精疲力尽或生气的感觉,那么,是该”弃妓从良“的时候了。学会尊重自己。把做一个真实的、干净的、头脑清醒的自己当成是今年给自己的礼物。


Pleasing others is like sex: When we do it because we really want to, it's a wonderfully life-affirming way to strengthen a relationship, but when it's motivated by obligation, powerlessness, or calculated advantage, it's the very definition of degrading. The key to an authentic emotional life, like the key to an authentic sex life, is to follow your real desires.

取悦就像是性:当做爱是因为自己真正希望去做,那么那就是一种用于强化关系的精彩宣言方式,但当做爱的动机成为义务、无力或谋求好处,那么做爱就降级。
真实感情生活的关键--如同真实性生活的关键--就是最求你真正的渴望。

Suppose that every morning of this holiday season, you asked yourself what you really, truly wanted to do that day, and then did just that. Would you spend time you don't have buying things you can't afford for people you don't like? I didn't think so. Would you bake goodies, decorate, light the menorah or the Kwanzaa candles? Maybe. Would you engage in activities you love, in the places you love, with the people you love? Oh, yeah. That would be terrific!

假设节期每天早上,你自问你真正在那天想做什么,然后,当天就做那些事。
你会去花时间为你不喜欢的人购买无法承担的礼物吗?我认为不会。
你会去烤出好吃的东西、去装饰房间、点亮烛台吗? 我认为也许会。
你会从事你所喜爱的活动,呆在你喜爱的地方,和你喜爱的人在一起吗? 哇塞!那太好了!

So do it.
好吧,那么就去做把


[ Last edited by hly_2009 at 2008-10-29 09:10 PM ]

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Post time 2008-10-29 21:40:35 |Display all floors
(continued)

Clarify Your Own Morality
明确自己的道德标准


In our world of commingled cultures and traditions, we may confront innumerable moral codes, all different from one another. There is simply no way to gain approval from each of these disparate sources; trying to do so will make you feel even worse. Instead, clearly define your own moral code and then stick to it whether or not others approve. Right now think of something you plan to do during this holiday that you don't want to do: host a boorish guest, send greeting cards to folks you barely know, overspend to the point of serious financial strain.Then pretend that your best friend, rather than you, is the one contemplating this action. What would you say is her moral obligation? Don't think manners; think ethics. Would it be truly immoral for your friend to invite only guests she likes, or send no greeting cards, or buy fewer presents? Take some time figuring out your real beliefs.

  在混合着不同文化、习俗的世界,我们也许会遇到无数道德标准--它们彼此都不同。根本没有没有可能从每个这些异类中都获得认可;要那么做只会让你感觉更糟糕。相反,而是清晰地定义自己的道德准则,然后不论别人是否认可都坚持。现在,想出一个你打算这个假期要去做可不愿意做的事情:招待粗鲁的客人、把贺卡发个几乎不认识的人们、过度开销让经济紧张。然后,假装你是自己的最要好的朋友(而不是你)正在深思熟虑这个行为。那么你会说她的道德义务是什么?不要考虑礼节,而是道德。让你的“朋友”邀请只是她喜欢的客人、或不发贺卡、买少一些礼物真地会不道德吗?花点时间发现自己真正的想法。

If you decide your unpleasant plans aren't moral requirements, but you do them anyway, you're pimping yourself out. Anything we do solely to please others, in the absence of either real desire or moral necessity is a way of selling ourselves, our lives, our energy.Ask yourself whether the dose of approval you expect to gain from this behavior is worth losing a piece of the real you. I'd be the last one to judge you if the answer is yes. All I ask is that you be aware that this is prostitution, not virtue.

  如果你决定不令人愉快的计划并不是道德必要条件,可是你还是去做,那么你就在做自己的皮条客。任何仅仅为了取悦别人,而没有真正渴求或道德必要的行为就是一种出售自我、生活、精力的方式。问一问自己这一剂你希望从行为中得到的"赞许"值不值得你失去一部分真正的自我(为代价)呢。如果你的回答是肯定,那么我永远都不会评价你。我要求的一切只是说你应该意识到这是卖淫,不是美德。

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Post time 2008-10-29 21:45:17 |Display all floors
Get Approval for Getting Disapproval
获得“不被认可”的认可


One of the best ways to break your dependency on approval is to set up a situation in which the only way to get approval is to get disapproval. When I taught college-level sociology, I used to assign students to choose a social norm they thought was wrong or just plain silly, then deliberately violate it. The more disapproval they got, the higher their grade.

  要打破你对认可的依赖最好的一个方法就是搭建一个环境。在这个环境中唯一让你获得认可的方式就是去获得不认可。 在教授大学社会学时,我常常会布置让学生去选择一个他们认为错误或根本就是愚蠢的社会规范,然后去蓄意地违反它。他们获得的”不认可“量越多,得到的分数就越高。

Once they were pursuing my approval (not to mention that of 90 classmates), some of my most people-pleasing students became embodiments of civil disobedience. One coed brought a homeless woman to lunch at her sorority house. A popular football player wore his grandfather's lederhosen to a nightclub. Another student went to church with "Resist religious intolerance" written on each forearm in magic marker. They all succeeded in garnering high levels of disapproval, which meant high levels of approval in my class. The realization that they could tolerate social censure was a major liberation; suddenly, these students felt free to be true to themselves, even when others condemned their actions.

  一旦在努力获得我的认可(更别说90位同班同学的认可了),我的最会“讨好"的学生们中一些就成为了"文明行为不服从"的化身。一个学生把一位流浪女士请到了她的女士宿舍吃午饭;一个受欢迎的足球运动员穿上他爷爷的吊裤去夜总会;另一个学生在两只前胳膊上用粗水笔协商了“抵制宗教无容忍度”后去教堂。他们都赢得了很高的“不认可”度,而这意味着在我班上会有很高的认可度。发现自己能容忍社会的谴责是一个很大的解放。突然地,这些学生感到有了做自己的自由,即便同时别人在谴责他们的行为。

To use this strategy, call a friend, tell her you're going out to get some disapproval, and ask her to lavish you with praise afterward. It works even better if you have several people—your best buddies, your therapy group, your sewing circle—waiting to hear the tale of your rebellion.The genius of the technique is that whether or not you carry through with your intentions, someone is going to disapprove. Learning to deal with that could prevent a lifetime of selling out.

  要运用这一策略,你可以打电话给一个朋友,告诉她你要出去获得一些”不认可“,再让她在事后对你大加认可。如果有一个以上的人-- 他们是你的最好的朋友们、你的治疗小组、织衣小组--会等着来听你叛逆的故事,那么这个策略效果就更好了。这个技巧的聪明之处在于不论你是否完成了你的计划,总有人会不认可。学会应对这一点能帮助你预防一生的出卖自我。

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Post time 2008-10-29 21:49:10 |Display all floors
Agree to Disagree
同意意见不同


When approval whores disagree with others, we react by not reacting. Instead of voicing our real position, we smile, nod, make cheerful mumbling sounds. As a result, everyone from the John Birch Society to the Hells Angels may think we agree with them. Some of us fear that if we begin voicing disagreement, we'll lose our friends and family. If this is true for you—if these people accept you only because you agree with everything they say—they're not friends or family, they're just customers from whom you regularly obtain your favorite drug. This is a thoroughly unhealthy situation.

  在认可妓女和别人意见不同,我们用不做出反应来应对。我们不是说出真正的立场,而是微笑、点头、发出一些愉快地含糊不清的话语。结果,每个来自约翰·伯奇协会的地狱天使们都可能认为我们在认同他们。我们有些人担心如果我们开始表达意见不同,我们就将会失去朋友、家人。如果你的情况是这样--如果这些人接纳你仅仅因为你同意了他们所说的一切--那么他们不是朋友或家人,而仅仅是你的顾客--从他们那里你经常地获得了你最喜爱毒品。这是一个完全不健康的处境。

Next time someone voices an opinion that contradicts your own, don't play dumb. Voice your thoughts and see what happens. At worst, you'll weaken a bond that wasn't authentic. At best, you'll find that you can disagree with someone and still be loved. This is the way to build genuine relationships instead of tentative, bartered alliances based on the currency of compliance.

   下一次,当有人的观点和你矛盾,不要装聋作哑。说出你的想法,看看会发生什么,最糟糕地情况是你将会减弱一个本不真实的关系程度;最好的情况是你将会发现你将能和某个人意见不同而依然可以获得爱。 这才是建立一个真正的关系,而不是一个试探性的、以物换物、基于以“服从”作为货币的联盟关系。

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