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I dunno what to do...with this LDR(long distance relationship) [Copy link] 中文

Rank: 1

Post time 2007-4-16 15:22:52 |Display all floors
Hi all
I'm chinese, and he is...american.

actually things would be whole lot easier if he is not, but...he is.

He helped me alot... when I was in college, he even helped me with my thesis, and I really appreciated it. And I have to admit that I like him too, but the point is, I dont think I like  him as much as he loves me.

He wants to marry me...he even told me that I was actually the one hes looking for.

Problems are: my family is kinda against it. My mom wouldnt really want me to marry an american cuz she thinks all american guys are bad in the first place, and considering the high divorce rate in the US, she wouldnt really want me to go for an american.
I have this grandpa whos chinese american, and he always come back to china n tells me that the US is no good and american guys are even worse...blah blah blah

My bf...he has a disease which is going to take him life time to deal with. And everyday his stomach bothers him so much. He is in pain everyday. But if it is not for that reason, I probably wont like him in the first place, cuz I am more attracted to guys who are depressing, but my bf always holds a happy attitude towards life, and I always have a thing for guys who has some thoughts once in a while, but my bf, he doesnt read books much, he just likes playing video games. After knowing that he has that diease, I got to like him, cuz I think a person like him, should bear some hatred for life and all, but he is not depressing at all.

Then I think prolly I should change myself, maybe I worried too much about life and all, I should just live my life like him. And for some reason, I think I am kind of girl who always have some "superman" fondness in mind, I tend to think if someone is not happy, or someone is not living a happy life, I am willing to help that person, so I think about my bf for a while, he was not happy when he was young, he lost his dad at the age of 8, and he got a disease at the age of 8 and it keeps bothering him till now and it just wont go away till the day he dies...I suddenly get to like him, I want him to be happy, and I think if being with him can make his life better, then I am willing to do it.

And yeah, my bf loves me alot, but its just too hard for both of us...I mean there's a godamn distance between us, we couldnt really get to anywhere if we could not meet in person. He doesnt have a college degree, and he earns very little in the states. Even though he could afford the ticket, he prolly couldnt really afford the life here, besides he doesnt have a degree and it would be pretty hard for him to get a job here.

My mom is very superficial, and she always wants me to date some one whos very rich, she kept introducing rich guys to me, but I am not really interested in going out with anyone here. I know that pissed my mom alot, but I really dont want to do anything to hurt my bf.

Sometimes I feel that I do care about him alot, but it seems that both of us have bad temples. I mean we argue alot. We havent met eachother in person yet, but we were on the break lots of times. I know I am such a meanie sometimes, but deep inside I often question myself if I do love him or not. I knew some words can hurt him so bad, and I said those words anyway.

He is saving money for china now, and I dont know if I should be happy for that, but all I know about is, he has to spend all he has to come to china, and he really wants me to marry him or be sure about our relationship after that... we've seen eachother alot through the cam online, but I am not sure if I like him in person, I mean it is not his looks that attracts me, but his diease...and I get to realize everytime we argue , and after that he would appologize that it was because of his diease that gave him the anger. But I really dont think it should be the excuse to get mad at me so easily.

Lots of my co-workers told me that I actually, could find someone so much better than him, and my mom wouldnt really want her daughter to marry someone foreign...cuz we already had two family memebers married foreigners and neither of them is happy.  My bf wants to move out of the US some day, and I dont have any interest in living in his country either. the point is if he has a degree, then it would be easy for him to get a teaching job in china, but too bad that he doesnt. And he promised to get his degree and he would go back to school for me, but he wanted me to move to the US first that way I dont have to wait all four years till he finally gets his degree, and besides I always want to get my masters in the US, so during the wait, I can move there and get my masters too. But I think since he is sooo poor that he couldnt really afford the tuition, and I cant afford my master tuition either, it seems that he's too optimistic about the future. He told me that we could apply students' loans and stuff, but I dont think it can work.

What should I do? We agrued again the other day, and now I'm not talking to him. He tried to call me several times and I didnt pick up the phone. Should I break up or should I keep being with him?

[ Last edited by dead_end at 2007-4-16 04:11 PM ]

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Rank: 4

Post time 2007-4-16 15:34:41 |Display all floors
"cuz I am more attracted to guys who are depressing, but my bf always holds a happy attitude towards life''  什么逻辑?难道他非要DEPRESSED 你就喜欢?!

.帮你看了半天,总结出你不知道你喜欢他还是不喜欢的原因.
NO1. 他穷.
NO,2.他有病
NO3.他脾气不太好.
NO4.他很乐观(这难道不好吗??)

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Post time 2007-4-16 16:13:28 |Display all floors
NO.5 He doesnt have a degree.

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Post time 2007-4-16 16:47:59 |Display all floors
im confused,do you really love him,or only have a sympathy on his misfortune?it's a dilemma,i can understand you.the distance is really a problem,if he come to China,he cann't  find a job,and if you go to U.S ,you may not be able to afford the tuition,so it seems impossible for you to live together.i sincerely hope i could help you,but......
good luck,i hope both of you will be happy.

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Post time 2007-4-17 03:01:32 |Display all floors
i am really confused about your view
what you really want?

i better tell you to do a SWOT analysis about it

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Post time 2007-4-17 03:44:33 |Display all floors
I think you're making some good points about the situation by yourself.
I belive that you're liking this guy for the wrong reason. We appreciate your honesty about it though, but I do not belive that pity is a strong enough reason to make a life's decision on it. What would you do if he was cured from this disease all of a sudden?
Suffering is attracting and it pulls us human closer to each other but I do not believe that it should be the sole factor. Consider some of the points you mentioned:
- He's not educated.
- He does not have enough money to travel and meet you (nothing bad in this one by the way).
- Even if he makes it to China and decides that he wants to be with you there and not go back to the US then what is he going to do? What kind of job will he find, if any?
- If he is saving up to come to China to visit you that means it'll be immensly difficult to get you the tuition which is required to go through a masters program.

I am not saying that you should cave in to your mom and just be happy with a rich man she's trying to fix you up with. That's not good either. Be true to yourself.

I think once you figure out what you want to do you'll find it easier to make the decision.

Good luck with whichever way you choose.... or neither of the options!
"You do not have a second chance at making a first impression"

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Post time 2007-4-17 09:25:59 |Display all floors
just move on and be happy, time will tell......

either you will grow up or he will stop being dishonest

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