I just want to thank you for your replies it really makes me feel better. Its a bit uncomfortable to talk to about this to people you know as they have links.
Just a comment or two . We had our baby outside of marriage. It wasn't planned however at the time I was aware it could happen. She was keen to be a mum before she reached the age of 30, I was not as keen at the time as we were not married and I was thinking we should settle down first do our sums and then go for it. Anyway it happened and at the time I thought our relationship was meant to be. I thought, she really wanted me to father her child and her wish came true even though it wasn't planned.
Recently she said she didn't want to marry me, she wanted her daughter to have "legal" parents now we can get divorced. It doesn't sound logical but this is her reasoning. She doesn't want the house or anything from me of a financial nature just to be free again. Apparently here in Australia you need to take b e 12 months separated to get divorced. I said she can file for it but I don't agree. If this is the case she said if I don't sign she will go to court. She believe our daughter will be happy as she will see both of us even though separately.
She wants to save her money as she has only just started a business and then find somewhere else to live. Her business she hopes will her earn her money not for herself but for our daughter. This is her aim. I think this is good as its not just about materials. Also she hopes to find a new partner who speaks her language (not necessarily chinese but her way of thinking with money etc).
Despite this I know that Hunan ladies are firy and she is type to say things that rub people up the wrong way. I can accept this. Perhaps she doesn't mean what she says. Her words are pretty blunt. The more I say I love her or want to stay with her the more angry she gets.
My aim is now to back off .I don't things to get too messy. Let her have some time and maybe she may wake up. I really appreciate people replies . It does make me feel better. I think now it is not about chinese culture or chinese people just the one I married. Perhaps an understanding of chinese culture might help.
Its very hard to speak to chinese couples openly about this to know if this more normal or not (the wife wanting better things from husband in this way) so it of some comfort this is not the norm.
Originally posted by outaphase at 2006-9-21 10:30
It sounds like she’s trying to brow beat you into earning more money.
People who leave their home country are often more ambitious.
Is there anyway you can help out with her business?
If its ...
Very ambitous she is . Good on her too is my opinion. I am not as ambituous as her but I don't think its a bad personality trait.
I handed out brochures to my colleagues at work. I have got some business for her through a friend. My grandma has helped out has lent some money to her. My parent have help us with some money too which indirectly helps her business. Now I only give advice if she asks, sometime my advise I give or plans she dislikes and can just cause more friction.
It's usually hard to keep balance especially in the first two years of marriage. Misunderstanding happen easily and frequently. BUt the most important thing is that both of you still love each other. From your words, we can see she is an ambitious and independent woman. She hopes to develop her business and struggles for a better life. That's not bad. And you also give as much support as you can. I think now you'd better calm down and give both of you sometime. Then talk to her and try to reach an mutual understanding. If she still loves you, i think she will come back to you. women need love but most women want to be more independent financially . So her career means a lot for her.
With love in heart, a couple will learn to be more tolerate with each other's shortcomings.
It appears that your wife is a far-thinking, capable, independent and determined woman. I believe she knows exactly what she is doing. I don't think she is the emotional type. On the contrary, you are the feeling type of person. Love, intimacy and togetherness are very important to you. This current situation is definitely taking a toll on you. I hope you would accept the expected outcome and live your life according to your dream. That's all I can say at the moment. Bless you.
[ Last edited by thunderbird at 2006-9-22 05:26 AM ]
Thunderbird thanks for your words. Its quite amazing you describe exactly what she is like from just what I typed. Sounds like you know people who are similar. Are you from china?
One issue thats confusing is should we pretend to be a couple outside with friends etc or should we see our friends without each other and explain to people we are having troubles or make an excuse saying she's busy. I have colleagues at work asking me we should go out together my wife is chinese they will get along well. This is because I speak to people at work sometimes on how good she is being well qualified wanting to do business etc. Hmmm tough one....