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Please be patient to read the long story,and thanks for giving your advice~~~~~~~~~~~|
I have falled in love with this boy since I was in senior middle school.At that time,
althought he knows I like him,he pretend to be not knowing anything and be my
friends.We help each other in the study and encourge each other in the hardest
days before the college entrance test.
As time goes by,we have shared so much happy and upset time together
and I love hime more.But he was not sure ehether the kind of feeling he has about
was love.We contact with each other every day by phone and messages,often hang
out when we have nothing to do.Sometimes I believed he loved me too.but
sometimes I thought it was just because I cared him too much and he can't bear to
lose my love for him,and that was far away from love.So we are just friends until we
goto the college in september 2003.
I suffered enough feeling so unsure about what kind of feeling about me.He
didn't admit his love for me as mine for him.He dared not to give me a definite
answer but he accept my love,my care,my emotional pay for him. So,I deleted the
phone number of his in my way to my college,deciding to give him up and start a
without him.As I was in Zhuhai and he was in Guangzhou at thet first year of
Just in the first day of Military training beore school started,he send me a message
which said that he found he can't stop thinking of me all the time and he believed
it was love,he asked me whether I still want to be his girlfriend.I was too happy to
say anything but yes.
Two months later, we broke up.After those many times he was reluctant to talk
with me in the phone,after those days he was not willing to answer my messages
and letters. After all,he wrote a letter to tell me the truth as I required:
maybe it was just because I was so unfamiliar with the new enviroment in
college and had no friend here,maybe it is because I was too lonely when I first
came here,so I missed you more and though that I loved you.But I have got used
to the life here and maked some friends, at the same time I havee thinked of you
less and less.These days I felt so impatient when you called me,I even can't wait
until you say goodbye and let me free.I want my life to be more colourful.
Isn't that clear enough?He had regreted about saying he loved me.With a
broken heart,I called him and told him we are over,I won't missed him any more,
tears came down from my eyes.He was silent,I can heard his sob over the other
side.How I hoped that he ask me not to leave he.Only if he said no at that moment,
I will take back my words.But he said nothing,I hanged without saying bye.I get out
from sadness after a few months.Athought I hated him at the begining,I forgot the
hurt he caused on me,and only missed him more and more.I still loved him.I even
regreted that I broke up with him without trying to save the relationship.I believed we
are strangers from that on but I was wrong.
Finally,I called him and said we can still be friends althought we can't be lovers.
He said he felt guilty everytime he thought about me.I knew I was cheat myself when
I said he can be my friend.I called him only because I can't stand lose him totally.A
year after that,when I moved to Guangzhou in the second year as the school's arrange,
we were in the same campus and met everyday.Without any sign,we made up.This
time,it lasted for 9 months.At last, at last I decided to break up with him because I
wondered whether he loved me at all. I have to giove up everything to him everytime
we have different oppions,and without exceptions.And I can't feel the care and
affection on me.He even can't tell which day was my birthday . I didn't get the love and
care from him enough as any other girl from their boyfriend.Everytime I complained,
he got angery and the discussion can't go on at all.He was spoiled up by me after all.
Enough.Feared that he will say the same thing as the last time when we were lovers,
I broke up with him,very suddenly.Even at that time,I loved him,no less than before.
He cried,beg me to give him another chance. He said he didn't mean to treat me like
that,but he has got used to be spoiled by me,whatever and whenever he said no,I will
definitely not to say yes."It is too late,I have given you too many chances,and I am
too tired to go on living like these days as your girlfriend" So we broke up,he said he
loved me and of course I stii loved him,deep in my heart.
After that,unfortunately,we had kept a relationship more than friends and less
than lovers.Maybe closer to lovers,as we even kissed and touched each other like
lovers.Even in this relationship,he still do no better than he was my boyfriend.So I
didn't agree to makeup again with him several time when he asked me to.All my
friends suggested me to stop having such a vague relationship with him,some of
them nearly got crazy about me.I just can't make up my mind to leave him thorough.
Day after day,I finally found out the truth that we are not fit to each other.Most
important,I believed he didn't love me enough.So I tried to keep a distance with him,
and tried not to do anything friends won't do with him.
He sensed my change in attitude and actions,but he said nothing and did
nothing.Until one day,when he saw I took part in an item of the intersting games
with a boy in my class,hand in hand.He was angery and crazy about this incident,
so he began to pursuit me a week later.I decide to insist my decision at the begining
and refused him.This time,he seemed to be so serious and not going to give up.I
even said something vicious to turn him down.But he kept doing things that I would
like him to do when we are lovers,which he didn't do when he was my boyfriend.I
say no and say no,again and again,to his beautiful promises about our future,about
how he will cherish me if given a last chance.Saying no to him and myselfe,never tried
again after those sad days,I have to confess to my heart,I was moved,and I want to
believe him.A month later,I answer his call,and we talked a lot that day.I didn't promise
him anything but he thought I have finally given him another chance.I don't know,I was
scared.In the following three months,I treated him cold sometimes and warm
sometimes.Sometimes saying we can be friends and tried to find a way to be lovers
if possible.Sometimes saying I wan't to give up and we are not fit at all.sometimes I
said we can keep in touch but sometimes saying we should not contact at all.He
couldn't understand why I can eat my words again and again and again,and he was
hurt,frustrated everytime I regreted what I had promised.Even I myself don't
understand too. Maybe I am not loving him as deep as I used to.Maybe I am not so
sure I can believe in his love as I used to.Maybe I am not confident about living happily
with him.Maybe,things have changed after these 5 byears,I really don't know.
After summer vocation began,be did't call me or send message to me any more.
Now I began to miss him.Feeling regret why I have treated him in that way in the past
few months.I also feared that he had given up and won't love me anymore.I don't know
what to do.Maybe he was giving me enough time to figue out what exactly do I want,
love him,or not.I was in confusion,I missed him.I want him to call me and be good to
me,but I don't want to be his girlfriend.I still love him,but I can not allow myself to
sacrifice anything to him though I was willing to give everything I had to him.
I called him and asked him what he was thinking about or what he had decided.
He said he was too tired to think anything more,he said he had tried everything in the
past few months but they didn't work.He said he can't understand why I was so
changable and not considering his feeling.he said it is time for him to calm down and
stop doing anything blindly.I don't know what to say.He was right,we have to calm
down and stop doing those stupid things hurting each other.
Now the holiday is approaching the end, and I still have no decision.Make up with
him?What if we hurt each other more and end up unhappily again?Stop contacting
each other and be strangers from now on?But,I think I still love him and I don't want
to lose him,at least,not now.
I have to make up my decision as soon as possible,it is not good to keep on the
odd relationship like now.What should I do? I really don't know.
I am looking forward to your advices~~~~~~~~~~
[ Last edited by crabcrab at 2006-8-14 09:15 AM ]