Author: jennyx

Invitation from Ex-boyfriend [Copy link] 中文

Rank: 4

Post time 2006-4-4 21:38:13 |Display all floors
Dude, I know you think of yourself as some kind of high authority on this board, but you need to go back and look at the rubbish you posted originally.  I generally respect your views, so don't want to pick a fight over this.  

I said 'not exactly easy to plaese'.  They're not.  You know that as well as I do.  You've been here a long time so you've figured it out better than most.  Well done on your more recent successes.

Again, I'll spell it out for you.  This girl has said NOTHING for you to jump to the conclusion that this guy is an 'arsehole'.  Makes me wonder whgat your motives are for going off on one like that.

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Rank: 4

Post time 2006-4-4 22:08:43 |Display all floors
The "rubbish" I posted originally was written tongue-in-cheek, simply to present an alternative opinion.  I enjoy playing devil's advocate.

And I have personally seen the damage done to Chinese women who get stuck in on-again, off-again relationships with foreign guys.  Not only does it hurt them personally, but it damages their reputation and relationship with their family and friends.  I'd consider it a serious issue, and I DO have issue with foreign guys who come waltzing into China, doing whatever they want with Chinese girls, and then taking off and leaving the girls to handle the fallout all by themselves.  I DO consider such guys @ssholes.  If they weren't, they'd make more effort to understand the impact they were having on the woman's life.

And I find Chinese women easy to please, IF you understand what their expectations are.  It is simple.  In ANY situation, if you understand what a person's expectations are, you will be much more able to meet their expectations.  If you are consistently failing to "please" them, it is a clear indication that YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THEIR EXPECTATIONS.

Now, if you're a guy who's just looking for no-commitment quickie relationships, then yeah, I'd agree...Chinese women are hard to please.  Because most of 'em aren't looking for that (although that is changing somewhat with the younger generation).  For most Chinese women, having a boyfriend is supposed to lead inevitably to marriage; if you don't fulfill that expectation, and just want an easy relationship with no commitment, then yeah, you're going to have problems.

When I came to China, yes, I had problems "pleasing" Chinese women.  But it wasn't THEIR fault.  It was MINE.  I'm in their country; it is MY responsibility to make the effort to understand their culture, and adjust my own expectations and methods accordingly.

You said, "I said 'not exactly easy to plaese'.  They're not.  You know that as well as I do."

Nope.  Quite the opposite.  I find them quite easy to please now.  I have great relationships with my gf, AND my many female Chinese friends.  It was difficult for ME to change...but seems rather grossly egocentric to blame THEM for what problems I had originally.

And my motives?  Sometimes I like to just stir up the sh*t a little.  And...I DO have a thing about foreign guys coming here, not understanding sh*t about the culture, and screwing up Chinese girls' lives.  I've seen too many of my female friends here go through these situations.  I've seen how it affects their relationships with their families,  with their friends.  I've seen how it affects their reputation.  Long after the foreign guy is gone and forgotten about it, she's still dealing with it.

And too many of those guys have exactly the same attitude as you -- that somehow its the fault of the Chinese women, that they are just "too hard to please".  That by some bizarre form of logic, the Chinese women -- living in their OWN country, their OWN culture -- are supposed to do all the changing to "understand" and "accept" the foreigner's point of view; while the foreigner can continue to act however the hell he likes, without any regard to how it is affecting this woman.

Tell ya' what.  Try sitting down with Chinese women who've had bad relationships with this kind of guy.  Women whose parents consider them sluts because they had sex with a foreign man, who then left them high and dry.  Women who now find it almost impossible to find a decent Chinese husband, because almost no Chinese man will marry a woman who's had a sexual relationship with a foreigner.  Women who have lost their reputation in their community because they carried on an open relationship with a foreigner, who subsequently dumped them and left them with nothing.

No, not all cross cultural relationships are wrong.  I have a great relationship with my gf.  I have many friends who have married Chinese women, or have great relationships with their Chinese gfs.  But EVERY ONE of these guys has made an effort to understand the impact their relationship has on the woman's life, and to adjust their own expectations and attitudes appropriately.

And not ONE of them, if asked, would agree with your statement that "Chinese women are not easy to please".  THEIR women are very pleased.  And all it took was a little effort to understand, and to change.

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Rank: 4

Post time 2006-4-4 22:50:27 |Display all floors
You make some good points.  However, you are far too keen to side with the women all the time.  You need to look at both angles.  I've had a lot of 'girlfriends' in almost three years here.  I know how to play things now, but I still don't find Chinese girls easy to please.  The thing that gets me the most is the unwillingness to discuss anything.  How can I have a serious relationship with a girl who tells me she loves me after two weeks, yet isn't mature enough to tell me if she has a problem with something?  

Now I assume I'm a fair bit younger than you are, and admittedly tend to date younger (immature if you like) girls so that is probably the crux of the problem.  I honestly can't be bothered trying to understand Chinese girls at the moment, because they don't make any effort to see my side of things.  My last gf would often say 'I'm angry' without ever telling me why.  I'm expected to be a mind-reader.  Maybe I'm generalising a little.  Maybe I go for the wrong girls.  Half the time I feel like a trophy.  You can laugh at that but it's the way I see it.  

Anyway, I've been out a couple of times with a korean girl lately.  Hoping for a bit of normality.  

Back to the original point.  You don't know anything about this girl.  What makes you think she's so easy to get along with.  How do you know she doesn't play the same kind of mind games I've had to endure from some girls?  Can you blame the guy for having some reservations? I'm sure you've read visa-whore horror stories.  I'm not suggesting this girl is anything like that but there's a lot of them on the prowl, and more than a few unsuspecting laowai 'prey'.

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Rank: 4

Post time 2006-4-5 10:40:37 |Display all floors

Author! Where are you?

Hhaha.... this place will be on fire!
Dear author, pls appear and say something about your bf. And see who is right on discussing your bf's personality.

Your two are all right in some aspects. But for i am a Chinese girl, so i am gald to hear the words canadianguy said. Year, Chinese girls are also different types, but the common thing they have will never change.  So here, i should say thank you to canadianguy . you know more about Chinese girls and care about them. Including their expectations.

I wrote a post named"help you know more about girls.",yeah, grils sometimes are not easy to please. You guys never know their expectations and make them disappointed. It is a good title to discuss how to make girls happy. hehe....

[ Last edited by cooldaney at 2006-4-5 10:43 AM ]

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Rank: 1

Post time 2006-4-5 13:56:26 |Display all floors

i am here. and thank you very much.

hey my dear all, thanks alot for advice from all of you.

first, i believe none of you would really suggest me to take the invitation and go to ireland for a trip with him.

second, about me and my bf and international relationship....hmmm....

well, i did cry when i read Canadianguy's msg. both of you made good points.

i agree, i am not easy to please sometimes. almost everytime i felt bad i would let him know immediately and normally after a while i gave it out to him. i am not a very gentle woman as our chinese women are supposed to be. i could be very ridicoulas, childish, irritating....not lovely at all as you all can imagine.

i love him. i am so sure that i do. but i think i am not a person knows how to love others.

my bf, he likes me alot. i believe that. he is nice person. i trust him. but more and more i feel that he does behave like those foreign guys like Canadianguy mentioned.

we should not blame each other. just as you two should not blame each other.

you two are both lovely, just one of you has seen or experienced those things and one of you is still having the experience.

me and my bf are just standing in different culture and tradition. either of us want to be changed. that's something we called destiny i think.

love tells you where to go. love will find a way.

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Rank: 4

Post time 2006-4-5 14:06:16 |Display all floors
love itself wont tell you the direction.
its you and him who should find a way...and love is in between...

everyone here SHOULD disagree to go to that invitation.
you love him, but he is not worth you love (anymore). simple because of his actions (back and forth) and doubting ... actually it just feels he is just having fun and enjoying being with you BUT never thought of marriage, future etc etc..

so my advise for you is; try to '拿的起放得下' yeah not only mentioned for men but also for women...  the ONLY person who loves you the most and the longest is YOURSELF....pls bear that in mind.
life goes further, you will forget him, have new aims to strife for, new life, and eventually also new friends and a new bf...   not that you didnt love him, but that love will vague away and you will put your love and energy onto someone else sooner or later..

be strong and sensible :)

cheers

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Rank: 4

Post time 2006-4-6 20:40:54 |Display all floors

hey! auchengyu

i didn't realise that you are so kind and considerate and ......

Dear author, i think after reading his post, you will feel better and know what to do next.

i agree with him a lot, let bygones be bygones. Let the most beautiful memories left in your mind. Sing the song"甩啦甩啦" and go on your own way immediately.

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