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Well, often the boss asks his trusted lieutenant, someone with no marketing experience, to do a write-up on the company, and this is what he gets.|
The English translation is not the only thing that is wrong with this introduction. I read through the entire paragraph a few times and still can’t figure out what this company does, apart from the clue that they became a member of the textile import/export association in 2003. I don’t know if they are in industrial or consumer textile, synthetic or natural fiber, or whatever. For all I know they could be in textile machinery and supplies business.
One point to keep in mind is that the first paragraph of a write-up, whether it is your CV or a company introduction, is the most important part of the entire document. Readers have limited attention span, so they will likely just read the first couple of paragraphs and skip through the rest of the document quickly. Therefore you should put the most important information at the beginning – who you are, what you do, and why you should be considered. Anything less important should not occupy this important space.
In this example given by mdoinit, there are a lot of things that can be deleted without sacrificing anything. For example:
至今已有23年历史 – There is no need for this because it is already stated that the company was established in 1981, so it has been around for 25 years, not 23 years as the introduction claims. Someone must have forgotten to update the Web page. You might as well delete this part, this way the information is never outdated.
2000年获得自营进出口权 – As a buyer I don’t care WHEN you got the import/export permit, all I care is that you have one. In fact, even this is not important, as long as the product is good and the price I have to pay is right; it doesn’t matter to me whether you go through a trading company or use your own import/export permit.
1999年荣获中国十一届博览会新产品新技术金奖 – Is this still relevant? The technology for which they were given recognition in 1999 is probably outdated today anyway. What have they done since 1999?
2003年被批准为中国纺织品进出口商会会员 – Is this a big deal? Even if it is, do I care in what year they became a member?
As a potential buyer visiting the Web site I care more about what they do, e.g., their product line; I care about their capability, e.g., their size and product quality; I care more about who their customers are, because the quality of their customers tells me a lot about the quality of their management and products. I see none of this information in the paragraph, however.
Another thing I see in more than 60% of Chinese company profiles, usually in the first paragraph, is description on the location of the company - how beautiful the town is, how there is a river nearby, a mountain with some sort of legend, etc. Do these factors improve the quality of your products and reduce your cost? Do I care otherwise?
And that awful translation… well, I’ll leave that to the capable hands of mdoinit.
BTW, mdoinit, I think Shaoxing is in Zhejiang, not Guangdong.