Author: crcr2003

dating a chinese girl, help!! [Copy link] 中文

Rank: 1

Post time 2005-8-12 14:46:15 |Display all floors

cmon...

cmon dude  i already apologized for my "white guy" mistake. but anyway, here again, sorry i reacted stupidly to the racist comments i receive in this forum.

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Rank: 1

Post time 2005-8-12 14:59:26 |Display all floors

crcr2003

haha...understand you, crcr2003, cross culture relatonship is painful sometimes, and of course it's beautiful most of the time as long as you love each other.

You two have to meet somewhere in middle to move forward, otherwise, either you or she will be too frustrated so as to give up. Even chinese girls are different and have different philosophy when they are from different part of the country. So I'm not sure if what we tell you here work for you or not.

Having read your story, I can imagine how serious the girl's parents would be when they know their daugther dating a westner. All questions will raise in their mind: Is this guy serious or just want to have fun with my girl? Is this guy reliable and accountable? Is this guy ah honest and faithful person? Is he going to to cheat on our girl? ...... I can tell you, most of the parents, (that generation), do not quite accept multinational marriage in their mind, at least they don't believe in it. they believe it's going to be problem because of culture shock and language barrier. You have to take it, and understant parents always worry abou their kids.

What's most important is that how your gf thinks, how she feels about dating with you, if she likes and loves you, then love matters, everything will be cool if you two fight for your love, but be prepared.

Talking about how to treat Chinese girl, haha...sweet words with ACTION is important. Westners are very good at sweet words, which is very good, and all girls should love that, but what's equally important is "action".  Let her know you love and care her from what you do, not just from what you say.

Flowers, 9 or 12 is not big deal to me, as long as I get flowers, I'm happy. so I'm not sure how your gf likes more.

Jewelry, well, of course I think most of girls like to recieve jewelry. but i believe you should give jewelry on right occasion.  Giving valuable jewelries too casually might blind you to see what she really loves you for. However, it all depends, different girls react differently due to age, experience, philosophy and values system. You have to see and understand her with your heart.

Taking her on a trip, mmmm...that's a cool idea, whether she likes it or not, it all depends on how serious she take your relationship. and her family will be likely to disencourage her to go due to security concern.

To be direct or not, it depends on topic and specific situation, and also depends on her belief system and personality, you have to find out by yourself. But it's true that we Chinese girls are far not as direct as western girls, which does not mean good or bad, just a culture thing. So you have to observ her reaction and feedback to adjust your way of treating her. You have to give more specific examples for us to comment and suggest.

As a 22 Chinese girl, she should be shy and doesn't have much experience on relationships (esp sex), but maybe I'm wrong, younger generations have changed and they have more experience than what we had at their age..haha...anyway, you got to find out.

Having saying all above, the most important thing in a cross culture relationship is COMMUNICATION!! You need communication, communication and communication. Differences and conflicts can be communicated, learned, understood, so as to be accepted! So talk and ask her, and get her to ask and tell, when you communicate more, you will understand more....

Good Luck!

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Rank: 4

Post time 2005-8-12 15:08:36 |Display all floors

First move

is taken by man mostly in China. So just do it.

Learning chinese is to bribe her parants. Sorry here we use bribe, which just means her parants would have the feeling you are kinda safe.

BTW, this space is free to spit, and sometimes there may be personal attack conducted around. Just let go, focus on the stuff you wanna get, not their being, and God will save you.

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Rank: 1

Post time 2005-8-12 15:21:27 |Display all floors

mmm..you got a point~

u r right, "bribe" the parents, haha..good word, this seems to be a somehow effective practice in this culture. When the family accept the guy and give him green light, the relationship seems to work out with less issues as long as they are in love and committed.

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Post time 2005-8-12 16:37:00 |Display all floors

life is complicated everywhere!!

Hi! Thanks a lot for your heartfelt advices! I’m indebted to your kindness.

About “bribes”, please tell me what kind of small actions I can do or small presents I can give to earn their trust? I don't want to be considered an arrogant.

The problem is that in China, sometimes even when they don't like so much the idea of a westerner as a son-in-law, I feel awkward about the fact they overvalue so much many western things. For instance, if I talk about the places I have lived or traveled, languages I speak or stuff I have, etc, etc. people begin to think I m petulant or worse.

I learnt 3 languages in my high school, from Barcelona is less than 6 hours in train to visit 5 countries. In fact the distance from Beijing to Shanghai is bigger than Paris to Barcelona. So it isn't a big deal. I don't want people to think is something extraordinary when it is not. Normal questions that I have to lie all the time, Is this your first time in Asia? How many languages do u speak? Is this bag or whatever thing I carry original? (my father is Italian, so brands that in Asia are expensive, i buy them very cheap there) how much costs this or that? What does ur family do? Or where do they live? (I tend to say unknown cities so they don't come with the stereotype that anyone in that city have a fancy life) Etc. etc. I feel so bad about lying but I prefer it than if they are gonna begin to think I m boasting because they overvalue things that they should not.

Should I continue lying about financial stuff or what? Because if I m HONEST, people think I m ARROGANT, and if I LIE then they also get angry that I m not honest and I say lies.   Life is complicated!

Anyway, thanks guys! U r helping a lot to understand this girl and to treat her according to the way she deserves. I do like her so much that's why I m doing everything possible to make things work. ; )

And cmon please stop the inappropriate comments just because I m not chinese.

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Rank: 4

Post time 2005-8-12 17:32:05 |Display all floors

The bribe is only a kind of comparison here.

Right now, no real present  needed  for papa or mama at all,  and on the contrary, her parants would not probably like it.
You know why, crcr2003, here' s the deal:

Why the chinese girls' parants think you westerners are so unreliable?
You are different, the looking, the language, the food, the dress, the way you think and conduct, and deep inside, sexual issue of course is the very sensitive one that make the parants freak out. First impressions were strongest that the westerners are so open towards sex at the very beginning when China opened her door to the world. Even up to now, many chinese think you guys go out with a lot of chinese girls just for having all the sex.

"Does he really care about my daughter? Why is he doing that? He could probably be seeing someone else out there. He is too mysterious to get along.'

See? When all the worries come out of their mind, the key reason is: They dont know you much because you know chinese little and you behave to too kind of of western style to be understood appropriately.

So, be the man wishing to really care about the girl, the family, the future inside, and let her parants know. How to? ---Do learn chinese habits and customs, know some traditional chinese love stories. Do get to know the chinese history and figure out yourself why aged people have such feelings and attitudes, even manners on you. Show all the understandings and efforts you've done to her, her friends, her parants, and get support.

You could be tall,  handsome, rich to look unreliable seemingly, it doesn't matter as long as you are truely  wonderful TO THE CHINESE GIRL AND HER PARANTS INSIDE.

Tough work but totally worth if you mean it from the bottom of your heart.

Good luck anyway.

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Rank: 1

Post time 2005-8-13 11:17:19 |Display all floors

always be true to urself

you don't have to lie, when they find out about that you will loose their respect and all the effort you put will gone in a second. just be true to urself but be humble, like yes i can speak many languages but its not a big deal cause until this point i still can't speak chinese.. and i think chinese language is the most complicated of them all, and i need your help to learn it, will you practice it with me... things like that.. be diplomatic a bit. and you have to be sensitive on whom u talked to.
know the key of telling truth but in a way people don't feel you are bragging or being arrogant. tell the truth, then say it was not a big deal because.. (i know you can fill in the blank) and ask help from them.
there are thin line between being modest and arrogant, so u have to practice... good luck.

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