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A white trash confession
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+ Posts: 831
self pity thread
This week ended slow but quiet. The weather is just making me depressed. Clouds, rain, clouds, rain, clouds... taste of sun and then RAIN and oh, the HUMIDITY，then sunny again...what is it with Shenzhen?
I think things will get better, but it's just the uncertainty and waiting around for something to happen that kills me. I should be doing something, ANYTHING, and I just am so crapped out all the time, I have all I can do to leave my house.
I suppose that whining and crying here isn't doing me any good other than letting me get some shit out of my head. My family does NOT want to hear and my friends are NOT equipped to talk me out of my shit. I am 28... most of my friends are younger than I.
Creeps me out. Every day I wake up and think to myself, "Jesus Christ in a sidecar! What the fuck have I done with my life?" That's what bothers me. By 30, you should have a career picked out, be driving a sedan and looking at houses to live in for the next 40 years. Here I am, 28, working dead end jobs for shit wages, living in China.. Fuck! I thought I was so fucking smart back when I was 18. I quit college thinking I was so much smarter than everyone. I defaulted on my student loan, dodging it for 13 years now. So now I can never go back to school. All the friends I had that are my age all have families and careers. I don't fit in. I hang around with people that for the most part are a decade younger than me. I am like some time-traveling weirdo to them.
I just don't know anymore. Does it ever seem like your life is on hold... permanently? I am morbidly aware of the fact that my body is falling apart, my hair is going, I have more Chins than a Chinese telephone book, having a crap is a two or three part affair and it generally is not pleasant, I have to get up two times a night to take a piss. I've been single for over a decade so all you guys and girls bitching and moaning about breaking up with your significant other, try being alone for ten years. That will change your attitudes about affection.
If this is 28... what the fuck is 48 or 58 going to be like?
Sorry for the whining and crying and the shameless self-pity... I do feel better after these little rants. That's one good thing.