Author: xiphoid

Screw it. Maybe it would help somone. [Copy link] 中文

Rank: 4

Post time 2005-4-10 18:48:08 |Display all floors

the end.

You know what?  I’ll probably feel stupid or posting this.

But screw it.  All of you who are desperate for love might find salvation in this.

I have loved, and I did my best to live up to what I thought it should be.

But at the age of 29, I’m collapsing under my own expectations.

I’m Chinese.  I’m American.  I’m a confused soul.

Or maybe I’m the bridge that most of you need.

The Chinese ideal of sacrifices and selflessness, plus the American sense of individual and freedom.

Perhaps, I’m the worst of the combination.

I can’t free myself like most Americans would, nor can I free myself like most Chinese could.

I’m doomed.

Tomorrow, when I wake up from all this hang over, I’ll go visit my wife again.

Maybe I’ll beseech the nurses for any signs of hope.

Maybe I’ll argue with the doctors because I don’t like their realistic views.

Maybe I’ll resign to fate, and crumble.

What am I?  Am I Chinese?  Am I American?

Am I suffering this because I’m a masochist or am I a good man?

Regrets.  Fate.  Love.  Life.  I have spent too much time thinking.

But in the end, there is no real answer.  I’m confused as ever.

You can’t help me.  Nobody can.

I’ll have to do this alone.  Make a decision.

But what would fate have in store for me this time?

Go down with the ship as a good man?

Or be logical as my teachings taught me?

Do I owe her my life?

The decision is always impossible to make, even if everyone tells you one thing.

I’m sorry, I need to vent.

You don’t know me.

I’m a stranger in a strange world.

I just needed to be drunk and vent…

I think I’ll feel better tomorrow.  Good night.  6:46 am.

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Rank: 4

Post time 2005-4-10 19:08:12 |Display all floors

freedom from the known

People can tell you something what is the true love, but they can not tell what is your true love like, for that is your own thing. We should begin somewhere from knowing ourselves.

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Rank: 4

Post time 2005-4-10 19:12:15 |Display all floors


7:12 am.  The sun is coming up.

Looking into my backyard.

Peaceful farm that goes uncultivated.

How many hours of sleep would I get?

I’m drunk.  Forgive me.

I’m not usually like this.

But every man has his breaking point…

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Rank: 4

Post time 2005-4-10 21:07:24 |Display all floors

hold on

it must be hard...but remember that for every door that closes on your way, there has to be a window that could be open.

and God, the one you're questioning so much, can never give you a problem bigger than what you can take.

so, just ...breathe, man, breathe. and think calmly. nobody can make a decision for you.

and once you make it, don't regret .
i pray that you may find peace in your soul.

i like you, you deserve  to be happy. remember, that happiness is a state of mind. life's been really hard on you.

hold on.

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Rank: 4

Post time 2005-4-10 22:54:28 |Display all floors

perk up!! man

i don't know what to say,just give you my hands,you're not alone,

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Rank: 6Rank: 6

Post time 2005-4-10 23:43:33 |Display all floors

Xiphoid, You are NOT alone. Let me tell you my personal story...................

I was only 14 years old and my only older brother returned back from America to CHINA and married his sweatheart. The most beautiful Chinese woman on earth, my brother also went to Texas to school and then went to Hartford University for MBA after he finished his Master of Education at Springfield University, Springfield, Mass.

They got married and stayed in CHINA for two years before returning back to N.America.

My sister-in-law gave birth to her first daughter, Joanne, a beautiful 7 lb

healthy baby. Three days after her childbirth, my sister-in-law, Suzanne

developed acute onset undifferentiated schizophrenia at age 23 years

old. She was immediately hospitalized in the mental hospital and

imagined the mental institution in southern CHINA. My older brother took

me several times to visit her and finally she recovered...............The sage

continued. I was only 14 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(At least at University of Michigan Medical Center, you did not have to bribe the doctors and nurses, but back in 1970 in southeern CHINA, my brother had to "bribe" the doctors and nurses to give the best care to my sister-in-law)

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Rank: 6Rank: 6

Post time 2005-4-10 23:58:20 |Display all floors

I stayed with them and saw the most happiest time they had......................

They were the happiest couple on earth and my brother was very successful and her family was very supportive of them.

Eventually my brother and my sister-in-law returned back to N.America and started a new life.

I also embarked my own journey to America in early 1970 and visited them during the Christmas.

It was hell ! It was exactly what Xiphoid experienced !!!!!!!!!!!!

My sister-in-law was in relapse, she was up all night, praying to GOD saying her daughter is "Jesus Christ", pre-occupied with religious tone and until today 40 years later, the schizophrenia never burn out instead remained the most  deadly  disease.

She was delusional, hallucinating and agitated !

Instead of poor poverty of thought and content of speech, she exhibited tangential thought, apathy, anhedonia, and singing the Bible.

My brother became an alcoholics, left the house and worked 16 hours a day and met "another woman" but the Chinese culture bounded he and my sister-in-law together for life. (Despite we have lived in America for four generations, our Chinese roots remain strong !!!)

My brother would hide the beer, liquor in the back of the car, and ready to bring to the office to drink (He had his own accounting firm).

He had frequent fights with my sister-in-law when she relapsed and refused to go to the hospital and the police were called in due to fights.

How embarrassing was when the police were called in hundreds of times to their house for disturbance---it was hell  !!  HELL !!!!!!

She was recently hospitalized again for 6 weeks and returned home.

There was NO marriage !!!!!!!

They did have another son ten years later after a very careful medical check-up !

The son is finishing university this year but an X-generation young man , lost in America !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Was this the  University of Michigan Medical Center fault ? No !!

Was this the doctor's fault ? No !!

Was this anyone's fault  ?  No !!

Is life unfair ? Yes

The saga continued ...............................

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