Author: freebaby

freebaby seeking your opinion [Copy link] 中文

Rank: 1

Post time 2005-3-30 10:48:22 |Display all floors

I'm in college

It is the most respected university in our region (Fudan) and unfortunately we live only 3 km away from the university and my parents say I have no reasons to live on campus where many girls have share a tiny dorm room.  In the beginning of the university life I asked to live on campus but my parents said that it would take 10 minutes to come home everyday by bike so my only purpose to live on campus is to date boys.  Then I had to shut up.

I wanted to apply for Beijing University but my father killed that intention by saying that all the majors the Beijing Uni. exist in Fudan, and Fudan is not less recognized than Beijing Uni. and my purpose to go to BJ is to avoid their care and to date boys.  

Tell you an episode of my life.  I studied Ballet in Shanghai Dancing school and the career path was clear and I was going to become a ballerina.  I loved Ballet so much that I trained and went on diet and diciplined myself very hard for my age.  My teachers liked me and said I would have a future in the career.  Unfortunately, when I was 13 (3 years after I studied ballet) my father visited my course and decided that I shouldn't dance anymore.  His reason was that girls wear leotards and tights and short skirts are not good, the worse thing is that he saw us studying pas de deux (dancing in male/female pairs) and he was shocked.  Then I started my normal schooling education like other kids and I went to high school and now in a very good university.   I did not like to stop dancing but I am also happy that I have a chance to study a lot of other subjects which I would not have a chance to touch if I kept on dancing.

I feel they do not trust me, no matter how much efforts I make.  I have always been a top student in a top high school, I have been to Olymic math competition and English competition and have never dated anyone.  I don't know what more I can do to win their trust.

Another thing that bothers me is that I think I have to be economically independent before fighting for my freedom.  I feel that I have no rights for freedom if I cannot support myself.  Is it normal that I think this way?  I mean after I finish university and have a job, I'm afraid I won't be able to fight anyways as I'm afraid to hurt their feelings as I'm the only child of the family and I guess they do what they can for my well-being.  But what the heck should I do?

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Rank: 8Rank: 8

Post time 2005-3-30 10:58:47 |Display all floors

you need to learn

How to address your parents in an adult way.

If you have been responsible enough to study hard and get in such a reputable Uni, it is your right to decide how you're going to plan your future.

Your problem is that you care too much about your parent's thinking. Just do you life and forget about them. Make them understand, even if it is the hard way, that their time for "directing" your life has finished. Now they have to find a different entertainment.

And you, get your own life. First of all go to college and STAY there. As somebody has told you before, you will never experience anything as living on campus. BTW most of the best friends for life come out from our campus days. Just ask around and you'll see.

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Rank: 4

Post time 2005-3-30 10:59:07 |Display all floors

freebaby, you are a new comer right?

I just read your story and felt quite sympathetic.
I just wonder how you have obtained such big ability of the English language if you are not a native English speaker, you are 18, right?or maybe you have spent time abroad? but that dosn't sound like in your story.
If the story is true, I firmly believe it.

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Rank: 1

Post time 2005-3-30 11:21:25 |Display all floors

I need courage

Thank you for all your advice.  I need courage to ask to live on campus.  

Yeah, my English is quite impressive among my peers.  I never left home, let alone living abroad, I'd like to, one day, though, to see new things.

You see, under my parent's close supervision, I spent little time going out with friends, watching TV or other activities related to entertainment.  I've been a good child and I have read a lot, in English and in Chinese.  I have read Harry Poter, Da Vinci Code, and all John Gresham books in English.  I read China Daily, Wall Street Journal (online), some books about economics and Ballet in English.  I think reading contributes a lot to my English and I plan to learn another language soon (maybe French, I don't know).  I don't really know how good is my spoken English is and we are expecting to have a native speaker as our English teacher during the next semester.  

Nice to meet you all here and I'm really glad that I have made so many friends.

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Rank: 4

Post time 2005-3-30 13:54:33 |Display all floors

Re: freebaby

First let me say, I’m impressed, and I’m not one to be impressed easily.  Your English skill is definitely a cut above the rest.  And if what you said were true, then you certainly would have gotten an approving nod from me if we met in real life.  Well done!  ^^

In some ways, you remind me of myself 10 years ago, young, smart, with a healthy sense of pride that was warranted by my abilities.  But while I had the intelligence, I couldn’t say the same for wisdom.  I did grow out of it eventually, but looking back I see lots of things I had done right, but so are many things that laid in ruin because of me.  Regret is the one feeling that never eases over time.

I was rebellious when I was young.  Even though I understood the benevolent reasons behind my parents’ actions, I just couldn’t accept them.  I fought them so often that when I was 16, I almost came to blows with my father in the dining room – I was too headstrong, and too much in love.  And my parents objected, just like yours.  Logical?  Yes.  Compassionate?  Yes, but not in the way I wanted.  Of course, like every teenager, I felt that I was more grown up than my parents gave me credit for.  I used all sorts of tricks to go out behind their backs.  Of course, just as they predicted, the relationship didn’t work out in the end.  Fortunately, it only cost me a heartbreak and a gash in my left palm.  But it could have been worse.  Just a cautionary tale.  Your parents are extreme, but it’s out of good intensions.

You asked what you could do to win their trust.  You could win their trust by showing understanding and willingness to work with them.  When two sides adopt uncompromising positions, arguments achieve nothing other than making both sides more extreme, leaving no hopes to a reasonable solution.

When I and two other teammates won medals in the 1993 Science Olympiad, my high school held a little ceremony one evening.  When I was given the opportunity to stand and be recognized, I acknowledge in front of everyone what my parents had done for me.  I thanked them for all the extra homework, all the weekend classes, and the sacrifices they made so I could have this day.  I saw my mother crying, and my father was also watery eyed.  And for that gesture of understanding and maturity, my father later gave me the keys to his car.  It was an 8 years old Chevy Nova but still it was my first car.  Yay!  ^^  I was allowed to go out as long I got back by 11 PM.  And he never stonewalled me like he used to any more.  We still argued, but usually he gave me some room to choose.  For example, he didn’t pick universities for me, and let me drive across the country to attend UT-Austin.

When was the last time you sat down and had a serious talk with your parents, one that didn’t end up arguing?  To address their concerns, first you need a good understanding why they are doing this.  Next time, ask them why they so afraid of you seeing guys?  Why do they have so little confidence in your ability to make the right choice?  Whatever they say, don’t get mad, keep on reminding yourself that they are just trying to help/protect you.  You don’t have to agree, and you probably won’t, but getting mad and start arguing only reinforce their mistrust of you.

Don’t present your answers and arguments right away.  Go back to your room, and think about it.  Write down the issues, what you think is a good solution, then back it up with logic and good reasons.  When your parents are in a good mood, present your proposal.  If the talk stalemates, don’t push it.  Go back and come up with an alternative proposal.  Like you said, before you achieved financial independence, you do not have the advantage in term of power.  At best, a heated exchange leaves you stuck with the same problems, but even less hopes of resolving them.  At worst, you break with your parents or run away from home, only to find out just how cruel the real world can be.  Don’t get me wrong, you have the right to be independent and free, but every right comes with a cost.  To exercise your right, you must be willing to pay that cost.  And mortgaging your future is rarely a smart move.

Now, after reading all that, you might think that I’m a stuffy old dinosaur.  LOL, I hope not, I’m only 29.  ^^  So don’t get me wrong, I agree with you.  I do think that your parents are too strict, and they should give you more freedom to grow on more than just an academic level.  You have my respect for your ability to do well in school, so I think you can manage school and a light relationship or two.  Just no more fantasies about having sex with a bunch of guys or being a prostitute, please, that kind of freaks me out.  ^^  Anyway, I think the burden of proof, to demonstrate maturity and the abilities to make the right decisions, lies with you.  Just be diplomatic and flexible when you talk about it with your parents.  ^^  I’m sure they are not heartless.  They probably just need to be convinced in the right way.  Show some understanding, work with them, and be willing to make some compromises.  I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.  :)

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Rank: 4

Post time 2005-3-30 13:57:08 |Display all floors

It is not easy

Freebaby, I understand your situation.  It is difficult.  I wouldn't be surprised to learn that your parents are kind of close-minded people who do not have many friends or other activities apart from paying all attention to you.  Because otherwise they would be discussing about you with their friends and will realize that they have been over-protective with you.

It is not nice to hurt them because I believe they love you very much and as you said, they do everything for your well-being.

I believe that you are a nice girl who has many talents (ballet, Olympic math competition, language and so so) and self-disciplined.  To be frank, I would be very happy if my daughter was like you and in this sense, your parents have been successful in some aspects of their education on you.  Nobody is perfect,neither are your parents.

Now try one thing.  Find an occasion and talk to them by opening like this " Dad and Mom, I want to discuss with you about my life and future career", then you can make your argument on how important it is to develop people skills, apart from academic achievements, to be successful in career; then you can tell them that you would like to participate to more extra-curriculum activities, such as charity events, environment-protection events, forums, and etc., to build up your people skills.  You can assure them that for yourself, it does not make a difference if you live on campus or live at home, however, if such extra-curriculum activities would require your evening time, maybe it is safer to live on campus rather than coming home by bike in the evening.

You may start to stay some nights on campus while most of the time at home, then little by little, you can spend more time at school than at home.  It is less drastic for your parents than you moving out completely at one go, and on the other hand, you yourself can gradually adapt to the new life without your parents watching over your shoulders all the time.

It is just being a little tactic, rather than being fake with your parents.

Just some personal advice.

Anyways, good luck in your studies and wish you success.

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Rank: 1

Post time 2005-3-30 14:10:52 |Display all floors

hi baby, i know you wanna be free

dont miss judge your parents, i think they are just oriental-cultured persons who dont feel free talk about sex with their own children, but in fact maybe they're pretty good at it. there are multipul reasons(other than sex) for them to expect you being at home before 9:00pm, for instance security. and i think they of course knows, if you want to, you can have sex during day time.
regarding boyfriends, i think you might start building friendships with males first and then see how much you can handle your shyness.
i kinda feel you're a gal who has 2 opposite sides like a coin, but you have to think about not doing sth. you'll regret later. having sex with few or a few males are exciting to think, but have you thought about the feelings coming later? very few women can have sex freely without their mental feelings involved, either guilty or fall in love with someone, but man can separate them totally. it will be completely sad if you fall into someone after having sex with him, but he himself regard you only as a sexual partner.


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