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Help me! [Copy link] 中文

Rank: 6Rank: 6

Post time 2004-10-20 14:58:39 |Display all floors
First, let me tell my story. I am a Chinese woman in her early thirties. I went to US 10 years ago to study. I met my husband, who is an American, at school. Despite disproval of our both families, we have been married for more than 5 years. But for the past a few years, I have been more & more wanting to move back to China. But my husband is a type of person does not take adventures. He strongly disagrees with my plan. Sometimes I even think about leaving him & go back by myself.
& I did just that last year. I didn't mean to really leave him. I thought if I found a good job & built a good life in China, he would have been willing to move to China. I did find a good job. But everybody around us wanted us to be divorced especially both of our families. Meanwhile I found myself have be westernized in many ways even though I didn't realize before I went back. Lots of things in China became very difficult for me to readjust. I started to miss him & America. One day, he called my & cried to tell me how much he had missed me, my heart was broken; I packed my luggage & flew back to US. I told him I would never mention going back to China again.
In fact, I have never stopped wanting to go back to China. I force myself not to think about it. But I always dream about it. I become more & more depressed everyday. I looked into the mirror; I saw a face without any life & spirit. I remember I used to love to look at myself. I was eager to face the days. But now, I feel my life is over. To be alive is just because I have to. I don't know what has gone wrong in my life. I do love my husband. But something must have gone wrong in our marriage.
I know I cannot expect people here to fix my life & marriage. I just need some fresh look & different opinions. I am really desperate.

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Rank: 4

Post time 2004-10-20 15:29:33 |Display all floors

..hmmm

if your husband moved to china with you,you think he will not miss his homeland as you do now to China? step in his shoes when you thinking of your life, 'coz your two lives now are bonded together. either of you's life is imcomplete....

I had a bf . we had discussed where to settle down our own family, in china or in his country, at the beginning I insist letting him move over to China.he asked me why, i said because i'm used to live in China, only in China, i will be feeling free,while i realised: it will be hard for him to get along with china, just as hard for me to get along with his country.

however, i believe girls are more flexible with new environment. if now i have to choose to live with my beloved in another place, i will move with him. at least, i can be with my loved there.

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Rank: 4

Post time 2004-10-20 20:39:57 |Display all floors

Big problem!

Maybe Africa is ur best choice for you 4 since neither China Nor America seems suit u!

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Rank: 4

Post time 2004-10-20 20:40:47 |Display all floors

...forget that "4" in the sentence......

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Rank: 8Rank: 8

Post time 2004-10-20 21:14:28 |Display all floors

why...

people are really different.

sigh*

I don't know whether i can truly understand you.

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Rank: 4

Post time 2004-10-20 22:16:37 |Display all floors

think twice

I believe it's a common problem for people living in another country, good you speak it out.

If you do love your husband and vice versa, then you have to put him to the highest priority. Love and responsibility always come in pair, don't make any unilateral decision without communicating with your husband. I'm sure your family, I mean parents and siblings, miss you a lot. But their love to you is unconditional and generous, they will feel happy as long as you are happy. If your marriage does have more serious crisis than what you described, then don't let it affect your decision that much.

I understand your feeling that at certain point, people start to tire of many things, looked as though only the things in memory are sweet. Forget the illusion, is China still the same China like ten years ago? Are you friends still the same people like before? Yes, you can go back to the past places, but never able to go back to the past times. They are long gone with the wind.

We are lucky that communications become more and more convenient. If you can't persuade your husband move back to China, at least you can spend more of your holiday in China, with family, doing sort of things you dream about. It's not a big deal, a plane can take you across the ocean within half day.

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Rank: 4

Post time 2004-10-21 00:38:09 |Display all floors

Analysis is not possible here---a good marital counselor might be useful

For most of us,  people are more important than places. You miss something about your life in China---but not the place per se. My guess is you miss the feeling of the culture as experienced through important relationships. Think about parents ,sisters, brothers your relatives and friends.
At one time you left, and then there was a resurgance of memories and you returned. What was really behind the move? Had you long ago proclaimed your independence, moved off with your new husband and then did courtship wane? Were you in fact quite dependent on him as the intensity of emotion became less and less in the early years? Some depression emerged.  Did you long to return home to your to that other place where you in fact had been dependent for most of your young life. Husbands and wives are like that --they hurt and dissapoint us. Your husbands lack of adventure suggests you are frustrated and do not get what you need because of his stabllity, rigidity, and fears. You might crave excitment, newness and most importantly,  intense emotional involvement. When he clearly had intense emotion about you you wished to return to him.. I do not think you are as independent as  you believe. Get some help, together, and begin to learn who you really are ,and begin to learn to love each other in new ways. I detect a number of unresolved issues frm childhood but these require care and exploration in a therapy. I am essentially using intuition from limited data and may easily be incorrect. I tried to offer new perspective and areas for exploration.   Tif

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