Views: 1737|Replies: 3

a passage ,who can correct it for me?3QQ [Copy link] 中文

Rank: 1

Post time 2004-10-6 12:09:13 |Display all floors
Nowadays, there are increasing people have their own cars. This, in brief, past conditions of life have been conditionally speeding up. In a recent survey, more people want to buy a private car in the future. Having a car bring more convenient. Firstly, city life is becoming noisy and crowded,
         if one has a private car that he can drive out to countryside or somewhere and enjoy the beautiful scenes and peace. On the other hand, he can do more outdoor activities and be away from cities freely. Apart from this, owing a private car can give you more surprise and new experiences. For example, one can drop off his children at school on the way.
             
        Yet the private car get fame from many person, no doubt the attacks on the private car are many and come from various angles, opponents said: owing a car that bring about the pollution for the air and harmful to the human health. In addition, that result in a lot of accidents and traffic jams since the hundreds and thousands cars speed up on the express way .
        However , If properly handled, it maybe solved. In my opinion, private car is very comfortable and convenient to compared with bus and train. Anyway, that may have more to do with the present situation.
Ø        We can expect the development in the science technology, so, we can drive a friendly , harmless car .
>
>

Use magic tools Report

Rank: 1

Post time 2004-10-6 13:55:17 |Display all floors

我的修改

Nowadays, there are increasing people having their own cars. This, in brief, past conditions of life have been conditionally speeding up. In a recent survey, more people want to buy a private car in the future. Having a car brings more convenient. Firstly, city life is becoming noisy and crowded,
if one has a private car that he can drive out to countryside or somewhere and enjoy the beautiful scenes and peace. On the other hand, he can do more outdoor activities and be away from cities freely. Apart from this, owing a private car can give you more surprises and new experiences. For example, one can drop off his children at school on the way.

Yet the private car get fame from many person, no doubt the attacks on the private car are many and come from various angles, opponents said: owing a car that bring about the pollution for the air and harmful to the human health. In addition, that result in a lot of accidents and traffic jams since the hundreds and thousands cars speed up on the express way .
However , If properly handled, it maybe solved. In my opinion, private car is very comfortable and convenient to compared with bus and train. Anyway, that may have more to do with the present situation.
Ø We can expect the development in the science technology, so, we can drive a friendly , harmless car .
>

Use magic tools Report

Rank: 4

Post time 2004-10-6 16:52:14 |Display all floors

Some corrections and changes

You have a number of corrections that are needed. The difficulty lies in the ideas you are trying to get across, with the grammar structure of the sentence. I will do a few changes and some comments on a few of them

"Having a car bring more convenient."
The word you want here is probably "convenience".

"Firstly, city life is becoming noisy and crowded,
if one has a private car that he can drive out to countryside or somewhere and enjoy the beautiful scenes and peace. On the other hand, he can do more outdoor activities and be away from cities freely."
When you use the word "firstly" the assumption is given that there will be at least a second sentence or idea to explain the previous sentence, why a car is convenient. Your second sentence tries to do this, but is really just another version of the first idea. It needs to be a different idea.
When you started the second sentence, you wrote "On the other hand", which is a way of providing the context of what you are writing about as a comparison or contrast between two ideas. I will provide an example of the usage of "on the other hand".
"If I take the bus to go shopping, I won't have to worry about parking. On the other hand, if I take my car, I can carry a lot of things home easily."
I will also provide a possible new version of this section. We can skip the word firstly, and make it simpler. Often, simpler is easier for the reader, and easier for you to get your ideas across to the reader.
"City life is becoming noisy and crowded. If one has a private car, you can drive out to countryside to enjoy the beautiful scenery and peace."

This brings us to your next sentence. "Apart from this, owing a private car can give you more surprise and new experiences. For example, one can drop off his children at school on the way."
Again, you have a used a common sentence structure "Apart from this", but it is not correct for what your idea is for this sentence.  This structure is often used as after describing something that might be considered as a detraction. For example, "When I drive the car to work, sometimes it is difficult to find parking. Apart from this, driving the car takes less time than waiting for the bus to get to work."
Also I would suggest changing the word "surprise" to "freedom", meaning in this case, freedom of choices.
Here is a possible rewrite. "Owning a private car can give you new experiences and more freedom. For example, one can drop off his children at school on the way to work."

The next part could use some more sentence separation and simplification. Also the use of the word "fame" does not fit the idea. You could try "detractors" or change the structure. Also the part where you are quoting opponents, instead of "opponents said" it should be "opponents say" because you are giving us a quoted type of example.
"Yet the private car get fame from many person, no doubt the attacks on the private car are many and come from various angles, opponents said: owing a car that bring about the pollution for the air and harmful to the human health. In addition, that result in a lot of accidents and traffic jams since the hundreds and thousands cars speed up on the express way."

Here are some possible changes with other grammar changes.
"rivate car ownership has its detractors. Attacks on private cars are many and come from various angles. Opponents say: owning a car increases the pollution of the air and is harmful to human health. In addition, this results in  traffic jams and accidents from the hundreds and thousands of cars speeding on the express way."
This last part of your sentence I changed the order, because you are talking about trafffic jams and accidents, the causes of these two things should be in the same relational order as well, so that the reader naturally matches the first with the first, the second with the second; "traffic jams" with  "hundreds and thousand of cars"; "accidents" with "speeding".

I have run out of time, hope this helps you. There is more that I think needs correction. An additional tip is that when you are using words you are not sure of, or writing a complex idea or sentence, it is useful to check a thesaurus to make sure the concept is still making sense, by comparing words that are similar in meaning. I am an English speaker, and I use the thesaurus to help me when writing by doing this. For example you used the word "angles". A quick check in the thesaurus tells us that this can also mean "viewpoint". the decisions you make for which words you choose to use, is what gives your writing a certain style.  We can see that either word explains the sentence idea, so we can be fairly certain that your sentence meaning is making sense.

Use magic tools Report

Rank: 1

Post time 2004-10-6 20:43:10 |Display all floors

pokikiko, u r really a kind man/'woman!!!!!!!!!!!!!

pokikikopokikikopokikikopokikikopokikiko


pokikikopokikikopokikikopokikikopokikiko



pokikikopokikikopokikikopokikikopokikiko


thank u for ur saaistance..........!!!!!!!!!

Use magic tools Report

You can't reply post until you log in Log in | register

BACK TO THE TOP
Contact us:Tel: (86)010-84883548, Email: blog@chinadaily.com.cn
Blog announcement:| We reserve the right, and you authorize us, to use content, including words, photos and videos, which you provide to our blog
platform, for non-profit purposes on China Daily media, comprising newspaper, website, iPad and other social media accounts.