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Many of you on here think that mixing races is a great idea. I'll tell you my story, and you can decide for yourself. I just finally had it walking around here in Beijing and I just need to vent about how my life has been so far and how my life will probably eventually end.|
When I was born, my mother required a C-section birth because my father (of course) was a tall white man (around 190cm). When she gave birth, she received a bad blood transfusion that made her sick with Hepatitis C and she was given around 10 years to live. I watched her die very slowly. Towards the end of her life she was told that she could live, but she did not want to; she started to be very violent with my father and abusive, and my uncle told me that she had just given up on life because my father was too "beta" and too poor... being a devout Christian he thought that his Chinese woman was a great alternative to a white woman, who he thought were all sluts, and that God had sent my mother to him, when she was just a woman looking for a tall white guy, like many other Chinese women. She eventually, in essence, willed herself to die. She suffered from really deep depression.
After that my brother, who was really under her control, and who looks very Chinese, went insane, locked himself in a room for one year, never left the apartment, and dosed himself on so many drugs that it permanently destroyed his brain. He spent $100,000 on medical treatment that did nothing. I myself was in so much trouble with the law and in school and I did not cry when my mother died. I actually never cried since I was 14, the day she died, and I am 28 years old now.
I grew up as a "white boy," but I deep down knew I was not. This was a source of confusion for me as I would be seen as a white boy walking around with my Chinese family. At that time I didn't possibly believe that race meant anything; I was completely colorblind. However over time people would say that I was clearly mixed, or that I looked a "little Asian," and this again was a bit confusing to me, but not much of an issue since I grew up in New York City which is very mixed and there are little issues regarding this. When I went to college, and was surrounded by really blue blooded white people, is when I started to feel insecure, and I denied my Chinese heritage and just said I was Russian. However several girls that I liked turned me down once they found out that I was Chinese and this devastated me; even Asian girls did this. Being half Chinese I am also genetically very conservative (as Chinese people tend to be more reserved) and I was disheartened with the hook up culture in the US and firmly believed that God would send me a good girl eventually. I should also, at this point, say that I am very good looking. Some weird combination of genes made me look, very, very handsome - probably more so than your average White guy or Asian guy; but again I used this to my advantage in having a relatively easy life and assuming that the world was perfect and colorblind and that people fell in love based on character, rather than color. I remained a virgin until I was 22 even though women consistently called me gorgeous, beautiful, stunning, dapper, etc.
So around 23 years old after I graduated school, I was still rather disheartened by the state of relationships in the US. I had a number of relationships with good looking women but they made no effort to stay around for more than a few weeks. They wanted to sleep with other guys, I'm guessing. So, when my uncle invited me to come to China to work for him I took the opportunity to do so just because I thought it would be a nice change of pace, and honestly because I had, at that time, commit a bit of a spiritual suicide and frankly did not want to live anymore. At one point a woman that I liked very much turned me down because she did not like Asian men, and this might have set me over the edge because as my mother had died I suffered from a dire need for female approval. I also think it's worth noting that because my father has some kind of strange religious gene and because my mother suffered from clinical depression and suicidal thoughts throughout her whole life I got a very bad dose of depression from both of them and have been suicidal my entire life.
Coming to China has taken its toll on me. In a way I feel happy that I am away from a culture that I feel has gone way too far in terms of moral disintegration, but on the other hand the fact that I feel unwanted and a foreigner to both cultures is driving me insane. I am very very familiar with Chinese culture and have long felt in a way more Chinese than I did American; I don't even like to talk to Americans because I find them to be hackneyed, obsessed with sports, and frankly I don't like their accents. But here in China people still stare at me and it is driving me insane on a daily basis, even though I feel like I can relate so much to them.
I have always been fiercely proud to be Chinese, and it never occured to me why my mother wanted a white man. It still offends me to see this pairing because there are so many elements of power to it, to money, to some apparent preference for physical features that disregards any personality traits of Asian men in favor of white men, to the racist stereotypes of Asian men being smaller and having smaller penises. In fact, I always noticed that I was a bit less athletic and thinner than my white friends, but I never chalked this up to anything - surely my own mother wasn't superficial enough to think white men were better than Asian men. Right?
But maybe it was true - I don't know. I have always been stuck between two worlds. Whites look at me with curiosity and I feel like I am emulating them, lying to them, though I could never be one of them - and I want to shout from the rooftops that I am Chinese just to make them stop saying awful things about Chinese people. On the other hand when I came to China I have come to be disappointed with the pollution, the lack of care that people have for the most basic things; even the staring is beyond rude and has begun to make me not want to go outside, especially since my wife is Chinese. I am proud to be Chinese, proud of the history that it has, but at the same time ashamed that my mother was one of those women. But then I see that men here are fat, take little care of their appearance, nerdy, poorly dressed, and I feel ashamed, at the same time.
It is too late for me now; I met my wife in 2012 and we married this year. She is very swell and had I not met her I think I might have killed myself, but she was also the first woman to actually treat me like a human being. I feel worried about the fate of this country, and it doesn't occur to me that she thinks I'm better because I have a white (or whitish) face, but I am coming to realize the great privilege I had as being both white in appearance and attractive. Just walking outside earlier today, with the glimpses from both men and women, I can't help but wonder what they're thinking about - if I am enviable because I look white, while they will treat me poorly if I looked like my brother. To be frank, I am goddamn confused and always have been, but I just went where the wind took me and wound up here.
I love my wife a lot but I am suddenly aware, very aware, that love is not colorblind. I worry about my children. I feel that sometimes I made a mistake coming here - because I assumed that I wasn't part of either side and would do better here. I really don't know. At times I just want to disappear from the earth.
Anyways, this is just my thoughts. Hope that brings some insight into who I am.