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Why did you choose to leave the world?

Popularity 6Viewed 4378 times 2016-6-16 00:32 |Personal category:News review|System category:News| death, note

Is this a beautiful world for all of us to live in? Is leaving the world the strong will of someone who has lost hope? Have you already been tortured so much by some who gave you life? Or is the current education something you cannot tolerate? 

Although sometimes we may complain about the cruelty of survival and living, most of us can also feel the beauty, love, warmth and care of the world and then return to the path that leads to the future which only belongs to each one of us. And we survive and live a life with mixed living experiences. However, just most of us, which means the rest will choose to leave the world.


A recent hit news story on Chinese websites reports a high school student from China’s Sichuan province who committed suicide, but what has shocked all our readers is not his death itself but the suicide note he wrote himself before he jumped into a river and drowned. 

He was a high school student who had just experienced the College Entrance Examination or Gaokao as Chinese name it. After the examination, he didn’t choose to “relax” himself for a while and then continue his new life journey, instead he wrote a suicide note and was ready to leave the world and end his miserable life. His note is long and he must have spent a lot of time writing down his battered life stories in the world, most of them cruelly and closely connected with his biological parents, especially his father, a man of bad temper and of little school knowledge. Yet, he wished his son to become the top student at school.

At the beginning of his education, his learning gift was activated, initially by the prize from his grandparents who promised to award him one yuan if he got 100 points. However, when he was in grade 3 and needed to write compositions, he failed to get 100 points since he hated composing articles according to his death note. His father frequently scolded him or even gave him physical punishment such as beating and standing, although his marks were still very high. He said his father went through sufferings in his youth and thought him a little mentally ill. When he heard his father’s phone call each time, he tried his best to stay away from the ringing telephone to avoid hearing his father’s voice.

After enrolling in middle school and in his second semester of his first year, he had an extremely outstanding performance in his study: math: full mark, politics: full mark, geography: full mark, English: 99 points, other subjects: 90 points or so. I had never got so high marks that time. If I had got such marks, my parents, especially my father would have bought me anything they could if I had asked them or spread my success story to their friends and other people they knew. I was so lucky, but this boy’s father looked horrible: his father still thought he was too proud and never gave a word of praise. The boy’s heart was deeply dampened by his father. According to what he wrote, he felt himself inferior not proud at all. 

He also said he played computer games, but his intent largely differed from others’. What others usually want are joy and excitement and relaxation, while what he sought was but “self-existence”. Maybe he thought he could find existence in games. Later he thought his existence in the world was meaningless.

Some sentences he wrote shocked me from the deepest part of my heart, and I translated them as follows: 
 
Chinese: 

“When I was 10, I predicted I would never live longer than 18. What then, it comes true! I don’t know whether I should cry or laugh.”

“Now I think everything in this world is predestined, including what I am writing now. Some may suggest, ‘your ideas can change these’, but where did your ideas come from? They came from the world, and the formation of your ideas is affected by the surrounding environment, people and other factors. Yeah, existence is the truth.” 

“So what, if I didn’t think too much, in fact I could still commonly exist in the world as a person by adhering to the rules of the world. But I don’t want so, since I am not happy, I am frustrated.”

At the end of his note, he clearly stated that this note was not prepared for his parents, for they didn’t really understand him at all. He also stressed his corpse shouldn’t be buried. It was okay to throw it anywhere, but finally said it must not be carried back home. His soul would feel disturbed. 

From the last sentence he wrote, we can easily feel his hatred toward his family and parents. He ended his unhappy young life and probably his mind can stay in peace forever in the world the living will never know. 

Some may think this boy was too weak in his mind or anything of this sort (I partially agree). And I have even read a comment that fiercely attacked the dead boy. Yes, most readers have shown their sympathy and scolded his parents especially his father. Some readers have shared a similar story: many students in China face too much pressure from their parents who are not better than this father and a few have brewed the idea of suicide many times before but admitted that it is painful to die. Now the boy’s father and mother must be in grave grief but their son (a good boy in my view) will never return. And what should other parents do to their children now? 

Finally, I still have some confusions: why do some parents treat their children like this? Why do they think their children should always be top students? Where did they get the idea that their children must be top ones? Is our education problematic on the whole? I am still thinking about all these, but I already know why the boy chose to leave the world. 


(Opinions of the writer in this blog don't represent those of China Daily.)


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Comment Comment (10 comments)

Reply Report seneca 2016-6-18 19:58
Dear Ampraxu,

thanks for a compassionate narration of a true story gone wrong. You have your heart in the right place and you write eloquently and beautifully.
Reply Report cmknight 2016-6-18 22:43
Too many people spend too much time feeling that it is necessary to prove themselves to others. Sadly, many learn the hard way that you don't have to prove yourself to your parents, your co-workers, or anyone. The only person you have to prove anything to, is yourself. Many young people go through life thinking that they have to impress their parents, or live up to their parents' standards. That only leads to sorrow, as in this case.
Reply Report teamkrejados 2016-6-19 10:19
Child abuse is difficult to overcome, especially abuse from parents, so systemic and so thorough. Our parents are our first connection, our first teachers, and the first lessons they should teach is trust and love. When the person (people) who supposedly loves you, whom you are supposed to trust, break that trust so irrevocably, it becomes impossible to trust anyone or anything.
When your early lessons on love come with fists, yelling and anger, love becomes a perverted, undesirable emotion.
And thus, abuse becomes a vicious cycle: you can't trust and you don't want love as you know it, you seek hate and aloneness. In the depth of that aloneness, there is usually no light or comfort. That poor child most likely felt he had no choice but to end his life rather than continue to live, battered and alone. I cry for him, and others like him.
Thank you, my friend for writing about this boy. This is a difficult subject to talk about, but we must talk about it in order to make child abuse stop.
Reply Report ampraxu123 2016-6-19 16:01
seneca: Dear Ampraxu,

thanks for a compassionate narration of a true story gone wrong. You have your heart in the right place and you write eloquently and be ...
The first time I wrote the news, I was deeply shocked and moved. I was at the verge of crying for the passing a pool soul which shouldn't have left us.
Thanks for your praise. I am just learning to write.
Reply Report ampraxu123 2016-6-19 16:03
cmknight: Too many people spend too much time feeling that it is necessary to prove themselves to others. Sadly, many learn the hard way that you don't have to  ...
Yes, I agree. But I also found that the boy said he wanted to find his own way of living in the world, but he failed sadly.
Reply Report ampraxu123 2016-6-19 16:09
teamkrejados: Child abuse is difficult to overcome, especially abuse from parents, so systemic and so thorough. Our parents are our first connection, our first teac ...
I read through every word you wrote as a comment, and I can feel your care for the case and a good heart for a poor soul that shouldn't have left the world. But to be honest, I haven't really thought about child abuse until after I have read your comment. I focused on wrong education and ignored the thing you said here. One thing you said is very true: if someone's heart is hurt deeply in his childhood, it will be very difficult for his scars to recover in the future. This will lead to sad stories like this.
Thanks for your comment and your care of Chinese children in your way.
Reply Report cmknight 2016-6-19 22:10
He failed because he had no support. In the whole of China, there is nothing in place to help people who suffer from depression.
Reply Report ColinSpeakman 2016-6-20 05:08
Sadly suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem - so tragic.
Reply Report ampraxu123 2016-6-21 00:46
cmknight: He failed because he had no support. In the whole of China, there is nothing in place to help people who suffer from depression.
I agree to the first sentence you have written here, but for the second, I haven't really touched what you might have. According to my personal sensible judgement, it can be correct to some extent.
Reply Report ampraxu123 2016-6-21 00:47
ColinSpeakman: Sadly suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem - so tragic.
Indeed.

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