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The “hidden messages” in relationships

Popularity 5Viewed 4730 times 2016-11-28 06:57 |System category:News| hidden

There’s one dude hasn’t had a girl for almost 3 years complaining his ex-girlfriend : “ She’s very selfish, she asked me to buy her gift, I did, I prepared flowered bed, candles… you know buy gifts cost me a lot of money I kept doing it for a while but she didn’t give anything back so I stopped and see what will happen. “ 


I lifted my eyelids had a glance at his standard single-for-ever face and asked “ what happened then?” 

 “ She didn’t buy me anything and then we broke up “ 

 “ Because?” 

 “ She moved house, it’s too far from mine, so I fed up spending 30 mins on the way to pick her up everyday.”    

 “Hmm.. good point, damn right you are single.”


As soon as he opened his mouth I wanted to say this man doesn’t know woman, or in a precise way to say: This man doesn’t have a feeling for his ex-girlfriend. 


Some times men use the excuses like “ oh women are so complicated, we are so simple, we’re so easy to be pleased.”  “ Women just keep throwing those hidden messages to us, are we mind-readers?” “ oh god she’s asking too much!” “ She were raised in the castle? such a drama queen! She thinks she’s a princess?!”


People become a pair - this behavior is fully self-volunteered, please ask yourself, in the mirror — just in case you won’t remember your face when you hear the truth. “ Are you volunteered to be her boyfriend/girlfriend? or you are doing this for some kind of trade? do you wanted to get something from it? “


Sex, is not “something”.  Sex is one of the humans basic instincts. Same as love. But do people still possess the desire to love? or just got pushed along by life, didn’t even have a minute to look into the other half’s feeling? 


Back to the dude from the beginning, look what he got when his woman especially asked for a gift, in his mind, “gift” means something to enhance the quality of sex, perhaps in his ex-girlfriend’s eyes gift probably mean that hair clip she pointed out in the shop the other day.


Does distance really tearing the couples apart? Answer definitely will be yes in some way if they’re in two cities or two countries. But a distance like 30 mins definitely not long enough for a broke-up reason. 


Yet the distance between people’s heart could be far enough to be apart. 


So called hidden messages they were never meant to be hidden, you will get it if you want to receive it. Or a wrong number will never get the message. Simple. 

(Opinions of the writer in this blog don't represent those of China Daily.)

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Reply Report voice_cd 2016-11-28 09:22
thanks for sharing here, we have highlighted your blog.
Reply Report Dracarys 2016-11-28 16:04
Especially in China .. you would be told there is no fairness in a relationship mainly because women is less and if you care too much about fairness problems .. you would end up single and the last thing your parents wanna see is you being single ..
Reply Report BlondeAmber 2016-11-28 19:43
When someone equates gifts with love, then there is a problem - the relationship is weighed, measured and valued in terms of money and nothing more.

Michael M wrote a great blog on 'the important things in life are free'
http://blog.chinadaily.com.cn/blog-787069-37293.html

ask yourself, when you do something good for a friend or family member, do you expect something in return at some point?
A parent in China seems to expect obedience and care in their old age from the child they 'invested' money in (education), so they are looking for a return later in life and get angry when they don't get it.
Reply Report bex 2016-11-28 22:06
BlondeAmber: When someone equates gifts with love, then there is a problem - the relationship is weighed, measured and valued in terms of money and nothing more.

...
in my post the girlfriend asked for gift is just one single example, what I'm trying to imply is  - some couples doesn't really "care" what her/his other half's feelings but just wanted the relationship to be perfect "automatically".  but in most healthy relationships, people look after each other, not for the sake of gifts or anything, it's the care to each other bond them together, in this case the couple must be know each other very well, how come you can say 'I don't know what the hell he/she wants?"

"ask yourself, when you do something good for a friend or family member, do you expect something in return at some point? "

----- I hope when people do good is only for the sake of your are kind inside , not because you wanted something back. It's kinda sad if this 'trading' is your initial intention of making friends. They aren't really your friends are they?  As for family members, of course not. why??????  

"A parent in China seems to expect obedience and care in their old age from the child they 'invested' money in (education), so they are looking for a return later in life and get angry when they don't get it."

-----oooh this one yes I wanted to write about this too, because there's a HUGH difference between Chinese and Western way of raising up a child.

In China, parents paid too much efforts on a child, not all parents are expecting children giving anything back, instead, if you are around any Chinese yourself, Most parents, they buy houses for their children too! of course they won't ask for anything back.  (not saying this is right or wrong just yet)

You said "invest" money for their children's education, Most parents don't think this is an investment, but it's the best they can do for their children's future coz no way parents can be with children for all his/her life, but a good education can benefit the children for all his/her life.

Likewise, if someone(even not parents) treated you like this, will you not wanted to treat them better?  this is why -- Chinese even got married still going back to visit their parents with gifts, or even money.  This bond is not an "obligation" it's from people's heart, that Chinese think this is how family members should be treating each other.
Reply Report bex 2016-11-28 22:10
Dracarys: Especially in China .. you would be told there is no fairness in a relationship mainly because women is less and if you care too much about fairness p ...
yeah theres basically no such a word equality in relationships, the only way hold the relationship or a marriage together is " willing to do" :)
Reply Report BlondeAmber 2016-11-29 17:12
bex: in my post the girlfriend asked for gift is just one single example, what I'm trying to imply is  - some couples doesn't really "care" what  ...
'Likewise, if someone(even not parents) treated you like this, will you not wanted to treat them better?  this is why -- Chinese even got married still going back to visit their parents with gifts, or even money.  This bond is not an "obligation" it's from people's heart, that Chinese think this is how family members should be treating each other'

non-Chinese give parents money and gifts too, but it is not considered a 'filial duty' or cultural expectation - it is given though love.

why is China the only country that has passed a law obliging children to visit their parents if it is something they willingly do?
why is there an increased suicide rate amongst the elderly in rural china if their families care for them so much, especially if the parents are ill?

'traditional' family values in china are breaking down when relationships are based more on the exchange of money and gifts between people as against time.

at home, no one is forced or obliged to visit or phone family, but it is done very regularly.
Reply Report bex 2016-11-30 18:30
BlondeAmber: 'Likewise, if someone(even not parents) treated you like this, will you not wanted to treat them better?  this is why -- Chinese even got married stil ...
here's the post about this > http://blog.chinadaily.com.cn/blog-1391772-37504.html

from where about you get the info "traditional" family values in China are breaking down?

No offense just simply curious.

What's the "traditional" family values in China? in your eyes?
Reply Report AndrewHLi 2016-12-4 15:36
BlondeAmber: 'Likewise, if someone(even not parents) treated you like this, will you not wanted to treat them better?  this is why -- Chinese even got married stil ...
I think to a certain extent what you said is right. China has an old saying raise a son in order to get attended when you are old.

However, you can't deny there are some Chinese parents having their children through pure love.
Reply Report BlondeAmber 2016-12-7 07:18
bex: here's the post about this > http://blog.chinadaily.com.cn/blog-1391772-37504.html

from where about you get the info "traditional" family v ...
non-Chinese are constantly told that caring for elderly relatives is part of Chinese culture and 'traditional', and that 'westerners' are 'unfilial' as they allow their parents to live their own lives and vice versa.

Yet is honestly don't know ANY country that has to induce children to visit their parents through laws and/or bribery.

http://bbs.chinadaily.com.cn/forum.php?mod=viewthread&tid=1876646
Reply Report bex 2016-12-10 06:51
BlondeAmber: non-Chinese are constantly told that caring for elderly relatives is part of Chinese culture and 'traditional', and that 'westerners' are 'unfilial' a ...
read the thread you sent, that situation is totally absurd - I mean who came up with that idea??

to be honest when people became Adults there's no way can be controlled by something else or someone else unless you wanted to

“unfilial” son or daughters could be anywhere and they are everywhere.

what I don't like is people just kept going on about China blah blah,  I agree with you on people have to do this under the reinforcement of the law is silly but here we are talking about - when things go wrong, there's a boundary to stop you messing around.

Same as marriage law. If two people are in love, the law is totally useless (let's not talk about is marriage have any point or why people getting married just yet coz that'd be a book)  

So what I'm emphasizing is China is 'old' but people are 'new', “unfilial”  bastards are international creatures, I've seen in real life, I've seen on TV, definitely not only in China.  I still don't see anything wrong with China having this law, it's pretty useful for those people.

If without this law, you just let those guys do whatever they want? the elderly parents can do nothing about it?

That'd be SAD.
Reply Report BlondeAmber 2016-12-12 00:10
bex: read the thread you sent, that situation is totally absurd - I mean who came up with that idea??

to be honest when people became Adults there's no w ...
TV is not real life.

Yes, the thread i sent is totally absurd, and IT IS FROM CHINA (China Daily), happening IN China, not another country.

Having to have a law OBLIGING or FORCING people to visit their parents is a worrying trend that indicates there is something wrong with social relationships between family members.
And i don't know ANY other country that does this, and this is why it should be of concern to Chinese people and precipitate some sort of reflection on why this is.

As it is many people feel obliged to lie to family members about being in relationships when they are not (especially at Spring Festival).
Who does this in a healthy relationship between adults?

In many other countries  i know (Europe) there is social welfare to ensure that every old person has a home, food and warmth, regardless of whether or not they have children. More often than not the children will be around to check on them, as they still want independent lives, or ensure they have the best medical attention available - which is supplemented by the state if needed.

When my late grandmother was alive, my father and uncles - her sons - visited her in her home every day, and all the grandchildren, myself included, visited regularly.
We were not under any obligation to do so, but did so out of love, even when our homes were outside the country.

I am not sure what you mean by:
'there's a boundary to stop you messing around.'

This is a Chinese forum, and this is a Chinese topic that you have opened for discussion, so i don't see what the problem is when people comment.
If someone says something i don't like or agree with, i don't insult them.
Reply Report bex 2016-12-13 19:50
BlondeAmber: TV is not real life.

Yes, the thread i sent is totally absurd, and IT IS FROM CHINA (China Daily), happening IN China, not another country.

Having t ...
hey there's a misunderstanding. No insult involved at all.  I'm open for discussion for sure I don't get annoyed because you commented on my blog, I like hearing other people's views. :)

'there's a boundary to stop you messing around.'
-- not mean you. mean to those people are rude to their parents.
boundary means the elderly protection Law that China carried out.

sorry for misunderstanding

To be honest I don't know what exactly happened to those people's life but there sure been dark indeed perhaps that's the cause you were looking for. also there's a massive gap between the wealthy and the poor here in China, as well as a tremendous change happened and happening still in this country

Whilst catching up with each other in this keen competitive social environment here, if you live in London or New York you might smell the similar -- Money&survive.  In my view some people in China were still put "survive" in their priorities not " live".

The cause of being unkind are varies, too much to explain when this happening in a complex country like China. China is a country possess a over 5000 years history but now got effected greatly by other developed countries which accelerated the development of its own as well. (just think the process from a cave man develop into justin bieber-no offense)

I spoke to my friends from your area (around Europe) Yes I heard elders are being taking care of by the states but --basically waiting to die there..Also there's some very bad news about how the nurses were treating the elders in the caring house. there's always a loose end you can find in the social system.

In my view - China is just trying to get things done. some people you couldn't talk through, so they need to be sorted out in a harsh way.. that's it.
Reply Report BlondeAmber 2016-12-14 13:53
bex: hey there's a misunderstanding. No insult involved at all.  I'm open for discussion for sure I don't get annoyed because you commented on my blog, I l ...
Care homes in Europe generally have people who need 24 hour medical care, the sort a family can not give due to the family member having Alzheimer's or a similar medical condition, whereas there are many active retired who are not 'waiting to die', but can take part in or organise activities.
At home, retired people are an active political and social group responsible for many aspects of life (by their own choice).

Yes it is true that some of the medical staff in care homes don't do their job, but regular inspections and undercover investigations are constant. They are the exception as against the rule.

Equally i have friends who care full time for family members who have Alzheimer's, with the support of family and state.

no offence, but the 'China is a country possess a over 5000 years history' is a nonsense answer trotted out as if to either justify some tradition, a failure to apply common sense,  an excuse not to apply some recognized standards, or an attempt to stop a conversation - i have heard this comment once too often in China.
I could say 'my country has over 8000 years of history' to avoid an acknowledgement of failure of personal or social responsibility.

The problem with the elderly in China is a direct result of the 'one child policy' where there will be an increasing number. This should be dealt with by the state, because after all, these people lived, worked and contributed to a very difficult time in China's history and for the state to expect the family to bear the burden is clearly an abdication of responsibility on their part/
After all, the sacrifices made by these people, and this could have been through a sacrifice in their education and opportunities, made China what it is today.
Reply Report bex 2016-12-19 04:38
BlondeAmber: Care homes in Europe generally have people who need 24 hour medical care, the sort a family can not give due to the family member having Alzheimer's o ...
here's an interesting + educational thread on Quora https://www.quora.com/China-often-notes-it-has-5000-years-of-history-On-what-basis-Is-this-an-internationally-agreed-claim-and-could-the-same-be-said-of-other-places-on-Earth  

this is about China have 5000 years history thing -- As you can see : 5000 years is based on recognized research and its common sense that people should be updated from time to time .  if you say UK(just for example) possess 8000 years history, I'd really laughed out.

“attempt to end a conversation" is correct - coz I don't want to started on talking history with you, it has nothing to do with avoid any responsibility?

hmm yes aging is a thing, definitely. But do you know China allow more than 1 child now?  Those -- contributed to old China's development for example soldiers, Intellectuals they are taking care of by government they live quite comfortably.

I think the problem is people tend to believe things from media, media is something they want you to know, perhaps it's not the truth :)
Reply Report BlondeAmber 2016-12-19 14:00
LOL
I come from a country where there are large buildings and evidence of complex engineering that are dating from well; over 6000  years ago, yet i don't feel the need to mention this when i don't want like the way a conversation is going.

Yes I do know that China allows more than 1 child now, but this will do nothing to help those retiring in the next 10-15 years (or longer) as they will still all be children and unable to contribute to society in a meaningful way and care for the elderly as they still need care themselves.

At the same time the elderly population will peak and there won't be the hospital resources to cope for this, or maybe even the financial resources within families as they will be focused on the child's education.
I predict there will be a surge in elderly death from unnatural causes as either poverty or family pressure will make them think they are a 'burden'.

Having lived and worked in China for a number of years, i have observed much that Chinese tv would not like people outside to see.
Whereas at home, exposing all the darker sides of life is seen as an attempt to address it and find a solution.

By sticking it's head in the sand about many things or pretending it is not happening won't make things go away.
Take the example of reclassifying smog and polluted air (a man made problem) as a 'natural disaster' in Beijing and Tianjin officials seem to be pretending there is nothing they can do.

I for one don't believe tv because certainly in China it is not unbiased.
For the rest of the world, you can access multiple points of view on the same topic you can make up your own mind.
Reply Report bex 2016-12-21 08:42
BlondeAmber: LOL
I come from a country where there are large buildings and evidence of complex engineering that are dating from well; over 6000  years ago, yet i d ...
it does gives me a hard time to locate you from your description:)

Anyways, aging it is a problem to China definitely I agree with you. But it also a global problem, countries like Japan, Germany, Italy are all seeking a solution to solve this problem.  for China, the topic " China has stepped into an aging society" has listed in the news long way before we started. several years ago I've read that on paper.

Conclusion is China has aware of this problem and solution towards it would be consider new young immigrations as well as create more related job opportunities.

As China is now in an economic transition period - also several years ago it pointed out its moving towards technology creation direction. the economic structure will change GDP will have a fall in between the junction. But what we can't predict is,  it might raise afterwards.

The good hearted kids still will be taking care of their elderly parents and the baddies will continue not taking care of their elderly parents. I've emphasized many times, this situation is not for everyone in China. It did happen, many times in those weird places. which I reckon is a neglect during the fast developing of the economy.

The China media... they do block a lot of information but it doesn't really block the ones wanted to see more :)  actually most media do the same, other countries media also relatively only report the bad side of other countries of course sometimes themselves.  You also can see a lot of negative news about other countries in China and vice versa.

no..pollution is not a natural disaster... but it was controlled by government, somehow it improved for a couple of months then it become bad again (I saw people posted in my wechat group) well -- i'm not in China at the moment I don't have a say here I 'll go home "experience" it by myself ...not quite looking forward to it on this point as I saw the pictures

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  • The “hidden messages” in relationships 2016-12-21 08:42

    BlondeAmber: LOL
    I come from a country where there are large buildings and evidence of complex engineering that are dating from well; over 6000  years ago, yet i d ...
    it does gives me a hard time to locate you from your description:)

    Anyways, aging it is a problem to China definitely I agree with you. But it also a global problem, countries like Japan, Germany, Italy are all seeking a solution to solve this problem.  for China, the topic " China has stepped into an aging society" has listed in the news long way before we started. several years ago I've read that on paper.

    Conclusion is China has aware of this problem and solution towards it would be consider new young immigrations as well as create more related job opportunities.

    As China is now in an economic transition period - also several years ago it pointed out its moving towards technology creation direction. the economic structure will change GDP will have a fall in between the junction. But what we can't predict is,  it might raise afterwards.

    The good hearted kids still will be taking care of their elderly parents and the baddies will continue not taking care of their elderly parents. I've emphasized many times, this situation is not for everyone in China. It did happen, many times in those weird places. which I reckon is a neglect during the fast developing of the economy.

    The China media... they do block a lot of information but it doesn't really block the ones wanted to see more :)  actually most media do the same, other countries media also relatively only report the bad side of other countries of course sometimes themselves.  You also can see a lot of negative news about other countries in China and vice versa.

    no..pollution is not a natural disaster... but it was controlled by government, somehow it improved for a couple of months then it become bad again (I saw people posted in my wechat group) well -- i'm not in China at the moment I don't have a say here I 'll go home "experience" it by myself ...not quite looking forward to it on this point as I saw the pictures

  • The “hidden messages” in relationships 2016-12-19 14:00

    LOL
    I come from a country where there are large buildings and evidence of complex engineering that are dating from well; over 6000  years ago, yet i don't feel the need to mention this when i don't want like the way a conversation is going.

    Yes I do know that China allows more than 1 child now, but this will do nothing to help those retiring in the next 10-15 years (or longer) as they will still all be children and unable to contribute to society in a meaningful way and care for the elderly as they still need care themselves.

    At the same time the elderly population will peak and there won't be the hospital resources to cope for this, or maybe even the financial resources within families as they will be focused on the child's education.
    I predict there will be a surge in elderly death from unnatural causes as either poverty or family pressure will make them think they are a 'burden'.

    Having lived and worked in China for a number of years, i have observed much that Chinese tv would not like people outside to see.
    Whereas at home, exposing all the darker sides of life is seen as an attempt to address it and find a solution.

    By sticking it's head in the sand about many things or pretending it is not happening won't make things go away.
    Take the example of reclassifying smog and polluted air (a man made problem) as a 'natural disaster' in Beijing and Tianjin officials seem to be pretending there is nothing they can do.

    I for one don't believe tv because certainly in China it is not unbiased.
    For the rest of the world, you can access multiple points of view on the same topic you can make up your own mind.

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