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The People Of Japan Reply:
From: The People of Japan|
Dear Mr Wu,
We have followed this thread closely on the matter of two of our countrymen punching a Chinese lady. We express immense disgust at their repugnant action and equal remorse for their animal behaviour.
You must believe us when we say we can exercise collective guilt because we are a homogeneous nation; Mr Wu, if you don't believe us, see how we berated our three citizens who were released from Iraq recently? They had shamed us by not following our national order even though they had gone there with humanitarian reasons. Because they shamed us, we scolded them on their return. Now for these two countrymen and also for those from one of our construction companies who had gone to your country and conducted an orgy, please believe us when we say now that they will definitely be punished. And severely too! No more slap on the wrist, no more amused saki sessions and banzai backslapping.
We know all the punishment methods. Ah, we regret again that we experimented and developed and refined them in Harbin. Our kempetai force were equally ingenious. Why President Bush didn't recruit our kempetai services in Iraq we still cannot understand that man! Just think, those Iraqi republican guards, how they will tremble when we tell them how our illustrious doctors and surgeons of our Unit 731 of Harbin dissected a poor Chinese peasant. Alive. That's why, Mr Wu, we have built a shrine for this distinguished unit who have advanced medical science for the next 100 years! Those patients? Oh, sacrifices must be made in the interest of mankind. We only regret we could not honour them more than expected of our tradition. Just freedom courtesy of the US military, some high posts in our companies, and respectful bows when they walked on our streets. Regret they have all passed away. May they rest in peace!
Asoh, talking about honouring our dead. Our dear prime minister every year makes a personal pilgrimage to honour our dead military who had sacrificed their lives for our great chrysanthemum throne. When he visits the yasakuni shrine, he arrives in the official motorcade, signs in as prime minister of japan and then he clasps his hands and faces all the spirits still staying there. All wait for him every year! Even tojo! But, but, we realise the act is somehow, erh, insensitive. He said it was personal but signing as..chauffeured in.. asoh something not right there for us.. we must check with him before the next time. Please, Mr Wu, allow us to also ask him this question: dr Prime Minister, are you doing because of elements in your political party??
We are also aware of some other disturbing occurences. Our famous Toshiba laptops failed in the US; of course as customer service, we compensated those in the country who nuked us (twice). Sigh, the same model failed in China (the country who asked for no war booty). Our Toshiba board of directors, we realize, must have had too much saki that morning. They decided not to honour complaints from Chinese customers. Tsk tsk. Let us ask them whether they're really a global company. But wait a minute, China doesn't have a consumer rights law卻o asoh, maybe no need卌an save some money..competition is stiff nowadays.
We also heard rumours that our Mitsubishi 4WD, some anyway, failed on Chinese roads. Maybe it抯 your country抯 roads and poor driving, not the superior quality of our products, one of which our chests heave with pride and we抣l like to remind you..was the Mitsubishi Zero fighter plane! Better than the Mustang, Messerschmidtt and Spitfire! Don抰 believe us? Just check the number of civilians we mowed down. Anyway, we cannot compensate. It was the war, you know and thank you for not making claims after we had lost. You can抰 make claims anymore. It抯 legally binding. What? 33 million? Ah, indeed that抯 more than three HUNDRED times lost than in the great kanto earthquake. You must however thank us for doing better with human hands than wrought by natural disaster.
Asoh.. that incident where your countrymen complained they were ignored on one of our All Nippon Airways flights. So solly, our cabin clew no know Mandalin. Of course we have corrected the small problem by hiring Chinese-speaking crew nowadays. We wish we can hire more of your people so that we can pay less卲lease help.
Hummm, what抯 next? Asoh?that regrettable incident when the nerve gas bomb went off in your countryside. See, we compensated this time! We calculated the value of a Chinese peasant life based on your exchange rate, his worth as a human being, how much he would make if he was not so stupid as to disturb the bombs.. We cannot pay as if he抯 a japanese, because it抯 a FACT he was not! Anyway his family was happy to receive such a bounteous amount so case closed!
Now, now Mr Wu, you mustn抰 point at our history books. It抯 not fair! We are a great nation. If we choose to cover up our dark past from our children and their children, it抯 our right. We have done a bit more actually and reported it as a dark period during which many died in Asia through our invasion to liberate them from the yolks of the westerners and also to create our, erh we mean, everyone抯 Greater Co-Prosperity Sphere. But how to expect those Asians to be so stupid as to rebel against us. This shameful behavior we must hide from our future generations. Otherwise they抣l have no confidence in us their elders, in our great country, in so many things. They may also become weaklings. That抯 no good for the tradition of Japan as a strong nation. Correction, superstrong. Maybe..come to think of it.. since we can imagine ourselves as supermen, creator of the greatest economic miracle in all of the world, it抯 not such a good idea to punish our two countrymen?after all, what抯 a punch or two so that future Ms Zhangs will not disturb their sexual activities which are necessary for rejuvenation and procreation.
Lastly (phew, it抯 tiring to go over so many unnecessary details), our kangaroo courts. Yes, yes, we know your countrymen now and then make claims. Including from those comfort women. But Mr Wu, you抮e not a Korean or Taiwanese so why you bother so much? Most of them were Koreans, anyway. Pretenders to the great japanese tradition. But we must admit, during the war time, we had to pile in permanently some steel rods into the Korean grounds in one place. Just to make sure their country抯 qi dies, so that they will not progress. They had us worried for a while but we overcame that problem. Anyway, to come back to the matter, ALL claims are not valid. Already agreed after the war. Your country was too kind to let us go, considering we lost and were nuked. We want to make sure there will never be any claims met because if we meet them, who knows how many more will be filed? What, you want to bankrupt us so that we can no longer help your country with soft loans and grants that have conditions you must buy japanese and be more quiet about our past and present intransigences? Please, we treat you as our humble friend, so return to show your gratitude. It is only right. Women? Pah! Mere distractions for occasional fun and as stress relief. By the way, your country has been exporting too many of those cheap machine massagers. Why not send some real life hot poor peasant girls. Don抰 worry, our yasuka distribution system is worldclass. No evidence will be left behind to complicate matters. No, of course, we cannot lob a grenade into a cave when our men are done. In the first place, there are no caves in Japan. Secondly, there will be a national outcry why a grenade has gone off. May cause collateral damage to our buildings. Possibly shrapnels may hit our beloved citizens.
Mr Wu, why are you suddenly so quiet? Is it because we don抰 prove enough our sincerity? What more proof do you want? See for yourself how many people support us in the blog thread of this topic?! There are two threads on the same topic! See the beauty of their logic! From derogatory slangs to how many sheep there are in New Zealand! Mr Wu, please accept our national logic ?we are a homogeneous race but if our countrymen continue to insult and degrade Chinese people, what can we do? They are only a fringe part of our society. Yes, it抯 our tradition to flex our muscles sometimes. Otherwise how will people psychologically accept our genetic superiority? Fascist? Mr Wu, what is fascism to you is nationalism to us. This great nationalism we know is our birthright. Otherwise how does one explain that our belated emperor抯 uncle who was one of the commanders in that unfortunate Nanjing incident lived to a ripe old age, a free man playing golf every day at the imperial grounds in our Tokyo? See, it must be true then!
Ah, many of our supporters have skirted around the question what if Ms Zhang was not Chinese. They抮e right, of course. If after you have read everything above and still think they抮e wrong, then you抳e wasted our time. Yes, yes, yes, the works of a few cannot be blamed upon the entire country. Why so? Because you simple-minded man, we can continue to have the best of both worlds, collective guilt kept at a distance and the freedom to continue the way we have always been doing after the war - entice and degrade.
Now, after all this, what can you say, Mr Wu?
Mr Wu抯 reply: two questions and one statement only:
- will anyone from your government punch both of them in public when they return to Japan or will they be quietly let in, unlike the three returning from Iraq? and,
- where抯 my spittoon?
The statement is: I salute Inquisition, Yummi, Hongtea, Canchin and millions others. I have no space for gtnbia, tekvicious, hedan and those others; they know who they really are.