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夫妻之道——共同爱好成就永恒爱情 [Copy link] 中文

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Post time 2013-8-4 15:23:30 |Display all floors

Roland Nelson remembers receiving a slim, rectangular Father's Day present from his wife a few years ago. He was hoping for a circular saw and figured it was a gift certificate.
罗兰•纳尔逊(Roland Nelson)记得,几年前他从妻子那儿收到了一份父亲节礼物,那是个薄薄的、长方形的东西。他原本希望能收到一个圆盘锯,但收到礼物后,他觉得那应该是一张礼品券。
Wrong. It was a book, 'The Backyard Beekeeper,' and tucked inside was a note his wife had written: 'Take some time and read this and see what you think.' Mr. Nelson stared in disbelief. 'Why won't she drop this?' he thought.Julie K. Nelson had been interested in bees since childhood. For about a year─ever since she'd seen a backyard hive on a garden tour─she had been badgering her husband to take up beekeeping with her. She explained how healthy honey is and how bees would pollinate their fruit trees. She also told him how the bees would spark up their marriage. 'You have to take new opportunities to create memories and have things to talk and laugh about,' she says.
他猜错了。那是一本书,书名叫《后院养蜂人》(The Backyard Beekeeper)。书中还夹了一张纸条,是他妻子写的:“花点儿时间读一读这本书,看看你有什么想法。”纳尔逊盯着这些字,觉得难以置信,“她为什么还不肯罢休?”朱莉•k•纳尔逊(Julie K. Nelson)从孩童时期就对蜜蜂着迷。大约有一年时间──自从她在一次花园之旅中看见一个后院蜂房后──她就一直在纠缠丈夫,让他和自己一起着手养蜂。朱莉解释说蜂蜜有多健康、蜜蜂会如何给他们的果树传授花粉。她还告诉他,蜜蜂将如何点燃两人婚姻的激情。她说:“你得抓住新的机会来创造我们共同的回忆,日后我们才会拥有可以边聊边笑的往昔。”
Mr. Nelson's response? 'Bees sting,' he said. 'Why on earth would I want to bring thousands of them into my backyard?'
纳尔逊的反应呢? “蜜蜂会蜇人”,他说,“到底为什么我要把成千上万的蜜蜂带进自己的后院儿?”
Relationship researchers have long believed that couples who try new interests and recreational pursuits together─especially active ones─are happier. Shared experiences bring novelty to a relationship and help prevent boredom and complacency. New experiences also can activate the brain's reward system, flooding it with powerful neurochemicals related to pleasure and bonding─the same circuits triggered when a person first falls in love
男女关系研究者长期以来都认为,那些试着一起培养新的兴趣爱好、共同参与新鲜娱乐活动的夫妻──尤其是那些主动这样做的伴侣──会更幸福。共同的经历会给一段感情带来新鲜感,还有助于避免无聊和自满。全新的体验还能激发大脑的奖励系统,让大脑充满与乐趣和依恋相关的强大的神经化学物质──当一个人第一次坠入爱河的时候,大脑中同样的回路会被激活。

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There is a big caveat, though: To give your relationship a boost with a new hobby, both of you will need to enjoy it.
但有一点要特别注意:想要通过培养一个新的爱好来增进你们之间的感情,两个人都需能乐在其中
You could start from scratch, and try something brand new to both of you. But if your partner has a passion, don't you at least want to try to share it? You'll see a new side of your beloved. (Competence is sexy!) And you'll have your own private teacher. At the very least, you'll get bonus points for the effort.
你们可以从零开始,尝试一些对两个人而言都是完全陌生的东西。但如果你的伴侣对此饱含激情,你是不是起码也该想着尝试去分享它?你将会发现自己心爱的人的全新的一面。 (有一身本领的人是性感的!)。你们还将拥有专属于自己的私人老师。最不济的话,你起码也会因为这份努力而有所收获。
If this sounds easy, then you probably haven't ever been on a sailboat, ski slope, hiking trail or golf course with a perfectly outfitted, exceedingly proficient and overly gung-ho spouse.
如果这一点听起来很简单的话,那很可能是因为你从未同整装待发、技能纯熟且劲头十足的伴侣一起坐上过帆船、站上滑雪坡、踏上远足小径或进入过高尔夫球场。
Just ask my mom, who loves to paint and sew and whose idea of the perfect outdoor activity is a convertible drive to the frozen yogurt store. To spend time with my dad during their 49 years of marriage, she has camped, canoed, fished, sailed, skied and scuba dived. My family gets a big kick out of a home movie she took years ago while shivering in a duck blind on a pond in Minnesota. Dressed head-to-toe in camouflage, Mom is whispering into the camera: '5 a.m. and we're waiting for ducks.' You can hear dad's duck call, then Mom is back: '6 a.m. No ducks. . . . 8 a.m. still no ducks.' By 10, Mom is trying to stop giggling and Dad is glum and grumpy. You can imagine the canoe trip back to shore.
这方面的事就问问我妈妈吧,她热衷于绘画和针线活儿,她头脑中最完美的户外活动就是开着敞篷车去那家冷冻酸奶店。在和我爸爸49年的婚姻生活中,她参加过露营、划过独木舟、扬帆出过海、钓过鱼、滑过雪,也潜过水。我们一家子从她多年前拍的家庭录影中获得了极大的乐趣。当时,妈妈是在明尼苏达州一个池塘上的鸭舍里摇晃着拍下了这部片子。从头到脚穿着迷彩服的她对着摄像机小声说:“现在是凌晨五点,我们都在等鸭子。”你能听到爸爸的鸭鸣器响,然后妈妈回到镜头前说:“现在是早上六点,没看到鸭子……八点了,还是没有鸭子。”到了10点,妈妈试着忍住不要再笑出声,爸爸却阴沉着脸、发着脾气。你能想象来那次独木舟回岸之旅的情形。
So how can couples enjoy doing something together that only one partner is passionate about?
所以当只有一方对活动饱含激情时,如何让夫妻二人都乐在其中呢?
et's start with the newbie. First of all, don't do it if you are going to act like a martyr, says Diana Kirschner, a New York psychologist and author of the book 'Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor's Guide to Lasting Love.' 'You are going to kill the joy for the person who is into the activity,' she says. Keep an open mind and push back your ego. Take direction.
让我们从入门级的新手说起吧。纽约的一位心理学家、《一切搞定:爱情导师教你长久相爱》一书的作者戴安娜•科斯切纳(Diana Kirschner)说,首先,如果你打算把自己扮成一个殉道者的角色,那就干脆不要做。她说:“那样的话,对于全身心投入到活动中的那个人来说,你将会抹杀他(她)的乐趣。”所以要保持开放的心态,让你的自我退后一步,然后再上路。



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Now for the proficient partner. Dr. Kirschner says this person has the harder job─making the activity pleasurable for the other person. She suggests 'rewarding' (also known as bribing) the newbie─'just as you would a child.' So repeat after me: 'I brought along your special chips.' 'Later we can have a nice dinner at that romantic restaurant near the ski slope.' 'The boat club serves an awesome rum cocktail called The Painkiller.'
再说说已经掌握了技能的那一方伴侣。科斯切纳说,这个人身负更艰巨的任务──即让对方也能享受到活动的乐趣。她建议要“奖励”(也被称为贿赂)新手──“就像对你的孩子一样。”跟着我重复一遍:“我给你带了特别的薯片。”“一会儿我们就能在滑雪坡附近那家有情调的餐厅享受美味佳肴了。”“那家船艇俱乐部有一种特别好喝的朗姆鸡尾酒,名叫疗伤者。”
The proficient partner needs to be patient and focus on the long-term goal─which is to introduce your loved one to your pastime so that he or she will want to do it again. In other words, the hike today might not be as demanding as you would like. 'You want to have a vision of a future where you are going to have a fantastic time together and will get even closer,' Dr. Kirschner says.
熟悉活动的那一方需要有耐心,并且要专注于长期目标──那就是将爱人引入你的兴趣爱好中,让他或她以后还想再参与进来。换言之,今天的徒步旅行可能不及你想要的那样尽如人意。科斯切纳说,“对于未来,你想要的是这样一幅光景:你们俩将共享美好时光,二人的关系也更为亲密。”
When one partner is outside his or her comfort zone, arguments can heat up quickly. This person might be terrified─and, really, is there anyone less empathetic than a spouse who doesn't share your sense of danger? 'The other person feels inept and less-than,' Dr. Kirschner says. 'This kind of negative thinking spills into conflict and distance in the relationship.'
当一方处于他或她的舒适区外时,争吵很快就会升温。他或她可能会觉得惊恐──确实如此,当你的配偶不能分担你的危机感时,世上还有比这位伴侣更不善解人意的人吗?科斯切纳说:“另一方则会认为自己无能为力。这种负面想法会渗透到两者关系中,造成冲突和距离。”
Luckily, there's an easy solution: Applause. The proficient partner needs to heap praise on the newbie for his or her effort. ('What a fantastic partner you are to come along. I really appreciate it.') The newbie, meanwhile, needs to amp up the admiration for the proficient partner's skill. ('The way you skied that black diamond was amazing!')
幸运地是,有一种简便易行的解决办法:夸奖。身为老手的这一方需要向新手那方所付出的努力大加赞赏。(“你是多么棒的一个搭档啊,我很感激你的参与和陪伴。”)与此同时,新手这边则需加倍夸赞老手娴熟的技能。(“你用黑钻滑板滑雪的样子太惊艳了!”)
'Those words mean a lot,' Dr. Kirschner says. 'Men, because they are so achievement-oriented, seem to respond to them even more than women.' There's no predicting, though, whether men or women are better at being the newbie.
基施纳说:“那些话非常有意义,因为它们是成就导向型语言,所以男性对它们的反应似乎比女性更多。”尽管如此,目前还没有预测说到底是男性还是女性在新手阶段会表现得更好。
Stanley Bernstein, a 56-year-old securities litigator living in New Rochelle, N.Y., did something drastic a few years ago to spend more time with his wife. He laced up a pair of ice skates.
为了多陪陪妻子,现居纽约州新罗谢尔市(New Rochelle)、今年56岁的证券诉讼律师斯坦利•伯恩斯坦(Stanley Bernstein)曾在几年前做了一些极端的事。他穿上了一双溜冰鞋。
Vivian Bernstein, an interior designer in her late 40s, had taken up figure skating as an adult and was skating five days a week. Mr. Bernstein thought he might have skated once when he was 10. 'We were taking separate but equal vacations,' Mr. Bernstein says. 'She would skate, and I would play golf.' He asked his wife to golf with him. She gave him a pair of skates.
室内设计师维维安•伯恩斯坦(Vivian Bernstein)在40多岁时以成人学员的身份开始学习花样滑冰,她一周有五天会去滑冰。而斯坦利记得自己好像在10岁的时候曾滑过一次冰。他说:“我们过去都是各自分开休假,但假期性质差不多。她会去滑冰,而我去打高尔夫球。”斯坦利曾要妻子和他一道去打高尔夫,妻子却回赠了他一双溜冰鞋。

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Mr. Bernstein admitted he was scared. Ms. Bernstein took him to a rink where he would be unlikely to see anyone he knew. She taught him to 'walk like a duck' with a side-to-side glide. He was practicing in a corner of the rink─'crouched down, my heart racing, petrified of falling,' he recalls─and a 10-year-old boy skated up and said, 'Hey, Mr. Bernstein. You wanna race?' Behind him was his snickering father, an attorney Mr. Bernstein knows from a rival firm
斯坦利承认自己当时被吓到了。维维安带他去了一家室内溜冰场──他不太可能在那里碰到任何熟人。维维安教他要“像鸭子一样走路”,左边滑一下、右边滑一下。斯坦利便躲到滑冰场的角落里去练习──他回忆说:“我蹲了下来,我的心脏狂跳,因为害怕摔倒而僵在那里。”──然后有一个10岁的男孩儿朝他滑来说: “嘿,伯恩斯坦先生,你想跟我比试一下吗?”站在男孩儿身后的是他窃笑的父亲──斯坦利对手公司的一位律师,斯坦利认识他。
Mr. Bernstein stuck with it, and now the couple travels to national competitions, goes on Saturday night skate dates and takes their young grandchildren to the rink. 'I'm never going to play for the Rangers, but it's a fun thing to do together,' Mr. Bernstein says. 'It keeps things from getting boring,' Ms. Bernstein says.
斯坦利还是坚持了下来,现在他们夫妇二人前往各地参加国家级的比赛,共赴周六晚间的滑冰会,还会带上年幼的孙子孙女去滑冰场。斯坦利说:“我这一辈子也不可能为纽约巡游者冰球队(Rangers)效力,但和维维安一起去滑冰还是挺有意思的。”维维安则说:“这样事情就不至于变得无聊了。”
Mr. Nelson, meanwhile, read the beekeeping book. 'I thought, maybe this isn't so bad,' says the 49-year-old university purchasing agent in Orem, Utah. He agreed to go with his wife to a beekeepers meeting, then to classes. Three years ago, they bought two hives, two bee suits and 24,000 honeybees.
而另一边,犹他州奥勒姆市的一位大学采购代理、现年49岁的纳尔逊先生正在读着养蜂的书。他说:“我觉得,可能这也没那么糟吧。”他同意和妻子一道去参加一次养蜂人大会,然后再去上课。三年前,他们买下了两个蜂房、两套养蜂服和24,000只蜜蜂。
On the way home from the bee distributor, with the honeybees buzzing in boxes in the back of their station wagon, Ms. Nelson, a 49-year-old author and professor of education and behavioral science, felt elated. Her husband was sweating and planning his escape route. 'I thought I'd made a big mistake,' he says. But after they'd set up the hives, Mr. Nelson watched the bees fly in and out and was amazed at what the two had accomplished.
在从蜜蜂经销商那儿往家走的路上,纳尔逊夫妇用旅行车后备箱载了两厢嗡嗡叫的蜜蜂。49岁的作家、教育和行为科学教授纳尔逊太太当时觉得很兴奋。她的丈夫却出了一身冷汗,正计划盘算着自己的逃跑路线。他说:“当时我就觉得自己犯了一个大错。”但当他们把蜂房都安置好以后,纳尔逊先生看着那些蜜蜂飞进飞出,惊叹于自己和妻子的成果。
The first time they extracted honey, the bees swarmed them and somehow got inside Mr. Nelson's pants. He promptly stripped them off, neighbors be damned.
在纳尔逊夫妇第一次采蜂蜜时,那些蜜蜂爬满了他们的全身,还不知怎地钻进了纳尔逊先生的裤子。他立马脱掉了裤子,邻居们都看呆了。
Now, though, the couple is a beekeeping team, dividing responsibilities and communicating carefully about who will do which tasks.
而现在,夫妻二人则形成了一个养蜂小组,他们分工明确、各司其职,两人还就谁做什么进行了认真的交流。
'If you create fun, enriching experiences together, you reinvent yourself and your marriage,' Ms. Nelson says. 'You look at your partner in awe.'
纳尔逊太太说:“如果你们共同创造丰富有趣的经历,你们就重塑了自我,也重新谱写了你们的婚姻。在注视自己伴侣的时候,你们就会心生敬意。”


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