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Trying to understand my Chinese Girlfriend PartII   [Copy link] 中文

Rank: 3Rank: 3

Post time 2013-3-23 03:22:26 |Display all floors
Okay, I have been with my Chinese Girlfriend for a month now. I have learned that her culture has no problem not telling the truth if she thinks it will keep from hurting your feelings. I, on the other hand, being a typical American have no problem being direct and to the point. (See the tension this creates???)
Things have been good, In China she had an easy life and wealth. long story short she came to the United States and has done a very good job of making money and supporting herself. Every since I have known her she tells me how independent she is and how she does not need anything.
So here is the issue:
We are moving closer to living together. She will go to Asian market about once a month and I go with her.  The one time I went she paid for it all, bill was around $300.00 which is peanuts. I would pay this in a second.
Since she is always telling me how she needs nothing from me, and only wants to make me happy, I gingerly told her that I wanted to pay at least half the food bill when we get together and go to the market. OMG you would have though that China and the United states just broke out in WWIII!!
She wants to break up with me cause I hurt her deeply and I have no idea what I did?? Her English is okay but not good enough when she becomes upset. I would pay for 100% of everything so i'm not sure if she is offended I offered to pay or offended I offered to pay only 1/2.
I need help because I love this woman so much. When I met her I was not looking for an Chinese woman, just happened. HELP! PLEASE.

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Post time 2013-3-23 04:38:30 |Display all floors
This post was edited by huaren2323 at 2013-3-23 04:41

Hi Danybrit ( since you asked my help, I shall try). Buy her something nice like a box of chocolate or take her to an authentic Chinese restaurant that she can taste food from home. You do not have to argue like an accountant in every entry...Work like a businessman and treat this like a balance sheet...it is after all the same pocket as you say you love her so much and willingtp ay for 100%...so do not go where WW3 can happen. Buy her soemthing she likes. You will know if she keeps on going to the store window and look at the item many times but would not buy it...surpirse her and makelove to her with all your tenderness....<hey this will cost you 15 minutes of this time. You were the same guy that ask for help becaseu you wer enot sure you will marry her but you have tried living with her in her aprtment for some time? Right? well..if this works again...Donate it instead to a Chinese church or temple near you..OK? She must be from Hunan or Sichuan..You got a spirited one...It is good dont worry..better than the quiet type that will get you silently.

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Post time 2013-3-23 05:04:00 |Display all floors
Since you're asking for advice...

Have you considered explaining to her that your misunderstanding seems to stem from a cultural difference and you would like her to help you understand why she's upset so you will not offend her again in the same way?

In many western cultures, a proper gentleman is expected to take care of his lady. Your offer to pay would be seen in western cultures as the proper thing to do given what you have implied about the extent of your relationship with this lady. Explain to her that in your eyes, what you were doing was something that was intended to show her respect and show her that you care about her and want to take care of her.

I suspect that she was offended by the (unintentional) implication that she could not take care of her own needs and that you needed to bail her out, so to speak. I realize that was most likely NOT your intention, but given her pride in her independence (inferred from what you wrote), I could see a Chinese lady being offended by what you did. Your heart is in the right place, mate. It's a cultural difference that lead to an emotional misunderstanding. Trust me. This won't be the last one.

I've been working with the same people in China since 2007 and it seems that somehow, on every trip, I manage to upset my best friend. Something always happens, and it is invariably a cultural difference, that ends up offending her somehow. We always work through it and everything is fine afterward, but it's bound to happen when two cultures that are SO different meet.

Something that I have told my Chinese colleagues is something like this: "I know that our cultures are different, and our languages are different. I want you to know that I would never INTENTIONALLY do anything to offend you or make you look bad. If I ever do, please remember that I would never intend to offend you or make you look bad, so please tell me what I did and why it was wrong so I can be sure not to make the same mistake again."

You know the old phrase "It's the thought that counts", right? Just be open with her about this and work through it. There are thousands of mixed-culture couples that are doing just fine. They find a way to work through the cultural differences and they learn to understand and forgive.

I wish you well with your sweetheart.

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Post time 2013-3-23 10:43:46 |Display all floors
A woman who pays for everything and only wants to make you happy.
Yeah, I can see how that would .... WHAT???

You're the one who has the big problem.
If capitalism promotes innovation and creativity then why aren't scientists and artists the richest people in a capitalist nation?

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Post time 2013-3-23 13:32:12 |Display all floors
Never ask
Never offer

Just do it when the ocassion comes, that´s it.

What i found weird she all the times teling you she will pay, that´s not independent, that´s weird
If both love each other, both should share the expenses
unless.......you are broke and she loves you even like that, you lucky
Denial, according the psychoanalysts, is one of the most primary mechanisms of defense. It consists in the attitude of denying or minimizing obvious facts of reality with which the individual can´t  cope or whose irresponsibility is unable to meet.

And I agree.

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Post time 2013-3-23 13:49:16 |Display all floors
don't try :p You will never understand .. LOL

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Post time 2013-3-24 01:04:50 |Display all floors
In addition to the excellent idea of treating her to authentic Chinese cuisine, or admired gifts, perhaps a carefully worded le In addition to the excellent idea of treating her to authentic Chinese cuisine, or admired gifts, perhaps a carefully worded letter explaining your appreciation of her and your offer to assist with the expenses might be able to clear up any misunderstanding.

One thing that I have learned during my stay in China is that some Chinese that speak excellent English and comprehend most spoken English will sometimes misunderstand oral English. A friend told me just last month that sometimes I speak English too fast,.  When I do a lot of Chinese people will let on they understand what I am saying rather than interrupt or ask me to speak slower.  A second Chinese person in the conversation confirmed that he does the same when I speak too fast.

Back in Canada when I was the team lead, I had a guy who had just emigrated from Beijing join my project.  He quickly became a valued member of my team with excellent English reading and writing skills even though his spoken English was weak.   After two years he switched employers and left my team without even telling me where he was going or why he left the project about three months before it ended.

Three years later I ran into him in a restaurant when I was on Jury duty.  He thanked me and explained the reason he did not confide, he felt guilty for leaving my project before his part of the project  was completed.  He told me that I was the best project lead he had had and he was very grateful to me.

The reason we were able to communicate effectively, was whenever I communicated with him, in person or via a phone call, I followed it up with an email to clarify what we had discussed, thereby avoiding confusion or misunderstanding.

Perhaps a carefully worded letter explaining your appreciation of her and your offer to assist with the expenses might be able to clear up any misunderstanding.

Attitude : Life is 10 percent what happens to you,  and 90 percent how you react to it.

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