Author: Smaug

Trying to understand my Chinese girlfriend. HELP!   [Copy link] 中文

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Post time 2013-5-4 10:11:57 |Display all floors
Smuag, just my personal opinion but I think you may be a little too sensitive.  I really didn’t see anything wrong with the “Then offered to help find her a boyfriend. She laughed and said "OK." Not taking it seriously.” comment.  This wouldn’t even be uncommon in the States but surely is very common in China.  People here are always trying to find you boyfriends, even if you already have one. {:soso_e128:}  I have lived here in China for about 14 months now, how much do I understand Chinese culture - zero.  I met my girlfriend about 2 weeks after getting here.  Before she became my “steady” girlfriend I had a couple others.  All three of them think nothing of going to a mixed company party unaccompanied (a get together, not a drunk New Year’s Eve type party).  Sometimes they tell people they have a boyfriend other times they don’t.  Don’t know why.  But girls here can be very private about their boyfriends sometimes.  Maybe they aren’t sure about the boyfriend and want to make sure he’ll still be around for some time before announcing to the world they have him.  Don’t know.  I associate with several girls at the office.  Pant, pant, pant. {:soso_e102:} Oops, sorry, my mind wandered a bit there.  Where were we, oh yeah, the office.  The girls there are pretty much the same.  Getting together with others without their boyfriend or husband doesn’t seem to bother them.  To say the least, boyfriend-girlfriend relationships and dating in China can be rather strange at times (most of the time actually, lol).  That is, strange to us foreigners anyway.  Well, there’s my 2 cents worth, take it for what’s it worth. {:soso_e160:}

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Post time 2013-5-7 15:24:41 |Display all floors
Hi Smuag,

I hope all is going well for you. In my opinion, it shouldn't be a big concern if she doesn't announce that she  is seeing someone. Sometimes, women just like to feel attractive and wanted. Actually, we all do. Think about how good it feels when a pretty girl hits on you (even when you're seeing someone). How you act upon that advance is an entirely different story. My fiancée is Chinese but she grew up in Canada (I am Indian, now living in Canada). So my story or perspective may not be culturally relevant. However, I think between two adults their understanding matters more than the cultural background. You mentioned that when you were with her in China, there was perfect harmony. That's a good sign. The fact that you both are putting all this effort in keeping a long distance relationship going is an even better sign. It is very important to trust each other, specially in a long distance relationship. She is putting all this effort to keep you up with her life everyday, that's enough to say she is committed to you. In my case, my fiancée and I trust each other enough that we don't care if the other flirts with someone else. But that is just our trust and tolerance and that is entirely subjective. It has taken us time to get to this level of trust however. You love this woman and she loves you. If you have concerns, talk it out very clearly. Don't hypothesize. Talk about reality. Set some ground rules that you both can agree on and then trust each other. I hope it all works out for you.


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Post time 2013-5-8 02:56:35 |Display all floors
Laowai2? Post time: 2013-5-3 18:29
I already have a Chinese wife whom I met by chance in China and not through any kind of agency. Sh ...

Thanks for the good advice. Let me respond line by line:

If she has a good job in China why does she want to leave her family and move to another country?

She doesn't particularly want to. We just decided it is more practical for her to move here than vice versa. Cleaner air, better medicine, more open-minded education, she speaks English while I don't speak Mandarin, etc.

Did she introduce you to her parents (Chinese equivalent of getting engaged)?

No. Her dad is dead, and her mom is a leech, who lives halfway across the country.

Will she easily be able to find work in your country (maybe within the same company)?

Yes, I think so. We are going to look into her just transferring, and whether that is doable.

Had you considered moving to China?

Yes, but it would mean abandoning my daughter. My ex-wife has sole custody, and I have visitation. I lose that if I go to China, and will not know my own child.

Have you looked into the issues of income required by you when considering her immigration?

You mean, to pay immigration fees and lawyer fees? Yes, that is going to be a challenge, but I don't think it costs as much as divorce lawyers. ;)

Have you looked into how you will bring her over (fianceé visa?) and how long you have before you must marry?

Kind of. My ex-wife and I looked into that before we got married, and the fiancee visa is kind of a dicey proposition. It seems like it gets denied a lot more often, and takes a lot longer to get through the system. I will ask the immigration lawyer's advice.

Have you looked for information and advice from fellow Americans on  THIS Forum

I haven't, but I will! Thanks for the reference!

BTW you can ignore "advice" from some in this thread as anything to do with laowai is going to be bad

Well, I try to stay open-minded and consider all advice that is constructive. The people who chime in that we're doomed based on the assumption that she is a gold-digger and have obviously ignored what I posted, I ignore those people. Some people here have been burned by a Chinese woman, and extend their bitterness to ALL Chinese women. I won't let that influence me very much either. My ex is a Polish woman, and I won't consider that all Poles are bad just because she is.

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Post time 2013-5-8 02:59:35 |Display all floors
zombiezparadize Post time: 2013-5-7 15:24
Hi Smuag,

I hope all is going well for you. In my opinion, it shouldn't be a big concern if she doe ...

Thanks for the thoughtful reply, zombiezparadize.

Regarding the flirting thing, I'm not sure I understand how that would be acceptable, but that is YOUR thing. To me, it seems disrespectful for me to flirt with someone else, and vice versa. But if it works for you, then OK!

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Post time 2013-5-8 17:14:58 |Display all floors
Smaug Post time: 2013-5-8 02:56
Thanks for the good advice. Let me respond line by line:

I'm not American so not completely au fait with all the ramifications of importing a wife/fianceé to the US, but from what I gather the fianceé visa seems to be the preferred route, although it takes several months for the approval. In other countries it is easier to marry in China then apply to bring over your wife (although this isn't always approved). What you need to do now is gather as much evidence of the relationship as you can. Photos together and with family/friends, copies of emails and chat records (possibly censored or selective) {:soso_e117:}, hotel receipts, in fact anything that proves you have met and have a viable and sustainable relationship. If you stayed with her you should have a temporary residence permit, useful to keep. You might find that owing to the burgeoning "marriage of convenience" industry, rules have been tightened.

I understand that you need a minimum income after alimony/child support etc. to support your new wife. She cannot initially work. This will probably be higher if you also bring in her child. I think you will find that you need the child's father's permission to bring over the child. Not sure what happens if you cannot trace him.

The whole process is a nightmare and requires resolution and a strong constitution from both parties, but the forum I gave you has many members who have been through this or are in the process of doing so. A valuable source of information and advice.

Lastly, if you have made the right choice you will be a very happy man. In my experience Chinese wives dedicate themselves to taking care of and supporting their man. After eight years I still think I'm dreaming {:soso_e102:}

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Post time 2013-5-8 17:39:40 |Display all floors
It is not cultural thing actually , I guess if you ask some one in China about there partner they will not hesitate to mention his name . So I wonder why she said 'OK" to her boss. Perhaps it is more of professional thing then cultural, if she is successful in her Job and not to mention that she had a difficult experience in past so this time she is playing safe to disclose only when she is sure about everything.
On a positive note - she is really cherishing you which is why she is being protective until she marry you and you guys start family. It is human nature to not to disclose something valuable to everyone unless you are very much sure it is Yours. ..
best of luck for your future life....

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Post time 2013-5-12 10:26:34 |Display all floors
Smaug Post time: 2013-3-9 23:18
Thanks for following up, Dawn. I was sure everyone had forgotten this thread, but I saw in an Aler ...

sorry, late reply. have been busy lately. anyways, i am happy for you. cos i got the white fever and i support guys like you who have yellow fever, lol. wish the asian- caucasion formed couples would be happlily ever after.

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