Author: Smaug

Trying to understand my Chinese girlfriend. HELP!   [Copy link] 中文

Rank: 4

Post time 2013-3-9 23:18:17 |Display all floors
Dawn_Chen Post time: 2013-2-15 23:02
hey, how is everything going there?  did my suggestion help?

Thanks for following up, Dawn. I was sure everyone had forgotten this thread, but I saw in an Alert that you replied! It has been a while, I had to re-read the thread and find your original suggestion:

This is not a cultural thing at all.  
I am a native Chinese girl and had such experience before, i am pretty sure there's no culture difference on this point.
She seems matural than you, it will be a bit challenge to you.
I suggest that you just be a good listener when she talks about that, don't take that too serious,( at least pretend that you don't care at all).
cause if she really didn't take you serious, being jealous can never help your relationship.
So, just listen and smile, when she find you don't care at all, she will become curious and worrying, she will start to ask you if you really love her or not, but she can never blame you that you don't trust her. And finially make she care about you more.( of course this is under the condition that she really loves you.)

If she doesn't love you, being a pacient listener can never be a bad choice, either. What is more, this can finially make sure where exactly you are in this relationship.
Yes, trying to stay emotionally cool is hard for me. But I'm getting better at it.
I am chatting with her now, typing here as I await her replies. We're still "together". My divorce is still pending, looks like we might settle soon, instead of going to trial, so that is good news. Then, I will fly to China to spend some more time for her this spring.

For Women's Day yesterday, she made a date with four of her old coworkers. Told them all about me and showed them our vacation pictures, that made me very happy.

Things are still moving forward, albeit slowly. No more fights on jealousy issues. We chat every day, usually twice a day. Talk on the phone every week or two. We're growing closer, despite the distance that separates us. Now, it is just the waiting that is hard.

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Post time 2013-3-10 19:54:12 |Display all floors
caihong Post time: 2013-1-25 08:28
Sorry to tell you but actually your gf can't be called "leftover" woman in China. Leftover is only u ...

not every divorced lady is guilty,ok?

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Post time 2013-4-18 16:11:25 |Display all floors
i think the most problem is you are not with her right now, and that's why she cannot tell anybody that she has a boyfriend but never show to others.
i think that's why she's worried about, you should consider this situation.

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Post time 2013-4-18 20:24:58 |Display all floors
This post was edited by ElinaT at 2013-4-18 20:35

Jealousy is your worst enemy. If you can't trust someone, do not get involved and give them hope for a life together.
Do you trust her? Do you think that if an opportunity presents itself she will take it? Answer those questions in your mind and the answers will provide clarity.
What I shall suggest is do not rush things. You have one failed marriage already, which is a good indicator that may be you should keep emotions aside and get to know the person next to you better, before making any big steps forward. Spending time together can show you the right way. If she has no eyes for anyone is true love, go on and make a commitment. Time together is the key to the problems you are facing. May be the long distance is feeding your jealousy or may be your gut is telling you that there is something to be concerned about. Trust your gut feeling, mine has never been wrong!
There is no right answer here, it is a matter of trust, time together and a gut feeling! Good luck to you both! :)
P.S. She is simply keeping her options open in case you disappoint her! There is nothing wrong with that, but it shows disbelieve in your intentions. If she thinks you are serious, she would concentrate on your relationship and make it public. So you are both uncertain if this is going to work, as you lack time together, experience, joyful moments, etc. Many doubts are creeping in your minds, which are only distracting you from the correct path. Get to know each other better, show serious intentions, make some sort of commitment and see where this experience takes you. Only time will tell if this is going to work, but unless you both want it to work, you stand no chance. Godspeed and good luck!

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Post time 2013-4-19 11:41:16 |Display all floors
ElinaT: Thanks for your thoughtful reply. This was 3 months ago. She has communication problems, in that sometimes, she just decides not to communicate. We both agree she needs to work on that. As someone said earlier in this thread, "in a relationship, there's no room to hold one's silence."  She also has occasional problems at work at home because of it.

I will go to visit her again some time this spring, as soon as I can manage it. She will come with her son to visit me again in July. Then? We'll see. By then, I think we will both be good and tired of waiting.

The divorce will be settled next week, and I will move out within two weeks after that. Then, only able to see my little girl a couple nights per week and one weekend day. However, it will be quality time, without my ex coming in and taking her.

It is tricky. If she were here already, we could live together, see how our daily lives work together. Move in together, live together, make sure. Then, get married if all is well. But, since she is not a citizen nor green card holder, we can only see each other on vacations, which are not representative of real life. We have to take a leap of faith. Now, we have not seen each other for 6 months. We feel our lives ticking away. We are deciding how to proceed now. We want to be sensible and careful, but don't want to waste

We are chatting as I type this. We decided that, unless something goes terribly wrong in the next few months, we will get married and she will move here as soon as possible after her visit this summer.

So ElinaT, I guess we are following our guts, right? ;)

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Post time 2013-4-19 14:36:41 |Display all floors
Smaug Post time: 2013-4-19 11:41
ElinaT: Thanks for your thoughtful reply. This was 3 months ago. She has communication problems, in  ...

Good news,
Wish you happy marriage

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Post time 2013-4-20 21:32:53 |Display all floors
greentea-song Post time: 2013-4-18 16:11
i think the most problem is you are not with her right now, and that's why she cannot tell anybody t ...

This is a good point, greentea. Also, she may not want to say it to me, but maybe she is concerned if she tells everyone about me, then it doesn't work out between us, she will lose face?  Maybe not though, because everyone in her personal life has met me already.

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