This post was edited by LoneAcorn at 2012-12-23 21:56|
dolphinivy Post time: 2012-12-18 11:29
A Sick Girl's Dream
Zuo Shuohan is seven years old. In addition to her b ...
A Sick Girl's Dream
Zuo Shuohan is seven years old. In addition to① her bare head and pale face, she looks just like the normal girl②, liking③ dancing, singing, playing and having her own little dream. But she is a neuroblastoma patient and is still in the stage of④ radiotherapy.
Zuo Shuhan lives in a small house⑤ less than 5 square meters with his parents. She likes Snow White best⑥ and always imagine⑦ herself wearing⑧ princess⑨ dress with a little crown. She keenly hopes her disease is⑩ cured. Thus, ⑪she can go back to their hometowm⑫, putting⑬ on the princess skirt⑭.
The couple, Zuo Xiaolong and Jiang Xue, are determined to cure the disease of little Shuhan. Thus, their younger daughter is left in the⑮ hometown of⑯ Shanxi province and is taken care of by their elderly parents. They will bring Shuhan to Beijing for treatment.
Shuhan, who is lively and lovely, likes dance⑰ very much. In the hospital, she would bounce up and down in⑱ the bed, performing to the wardmate⑲. Each time hospitalization⑳, Shuhan is very happy. While other children are afraid to go to the hospital.㉑ " For this purpose I can get well soon. I can go to kindergarten in my hometown. I can sing, dance and play with my sister."㉒
Zuo Shuhan is standing at the door, all three of her family㉓ living in the house within㉔ 5 square meters. Here is a cottage area, the home of migrant workers.
Zuo Shuhan is taking photos of her parents. Her father, only ㉕at the age of 36, is already full of grey hair on the temples. Her mother, Jiang Xue, is in a light green T-shirt which is given by neighbours. In order to cure the disease of Shuhan, the couple haven't bought new clothes for two years.
My comments and suggestions:
① 'Apart from' would be better
② normal girls her age (girls, plural)
④ 'in the stage of' in this context is not correct, suggest using 'is still undergoing'
⑤ that is (adverb, to explain why the house is small)
⑥ the most
⑨ princess' (use possessive form)
⑩ will be
⑫ hometown (spelling mistake)
⑬ (can remove the comma) and put on
⑭ princess' gown
⑮ their (who's hometown)
⑱ on the bed (use 'on' - surface of sth)
⑲ must be plural
⑳ Every time she goes to the hospital
㉑ sentence structure
㉒ too many 'I can'
㉓ are (auxiliary verb)
㉔ that's less than
㉕ His father is 36 years old
Pay attention to correct usage of adverbs, prepositions, conjunctions, present/past tense, etc and sentence structure.