Author: voice_cd

Translation Contest Series NO 2   [Copy link] 中文

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Post time 2012-12-22 11:27:25 |Display all floors
This post was edited by LoneAcorn at 2012-12-23 22:10

fabulous_carr Post time: 2012-12-19 12:03


左书函今年7岁,除了光光的小脑袋和苍白的面孔,她和正常女孩一样,喜欢跳舞,喜欢唱歌,喜欢玩耍,有着自 ...


fabulous_carr:


Zuo Shuhan is seven years old this year①, except ②her bald head and pale face, she is no difference③ with other normal gilrs④ who love danceing⑤, singing, playing arond⑥ and having their own dreams. However, she is suffering from neuroblastoma and still needs radiotherapy.


Zuo Shuhan lives in a small house which is less than 5 square meters with her parents. She loves Snow White the most, and always imagines herself wearing a princess derss⑦ and a tiara. She wishes badly⑧ that her illness could be cured, then she can go back to her hometown and wear a pricess ⑨dress.


Zuo Xiaolong and Jiang Xue are her parents, and this coulpe⑩ have made a great decision, which is to cure little shuhan's ⑪ illness no matter what.  Therefore, they take shuhan⑫ to Beijng⑬ and seek for⑭ good treatments, leaving their younger daughter at home in Shanxi, taken care by their aged parents.


The lively and cherrful⑮ shuhan⑯ loves dancing very much. When in hospital, she always bounces up and down on the bed and gives her performance to other patients who share the same room with her. Different from other kids who are always terrified to to⑰ go see the doctor, shuhan⑱ is always happy every time she goes to see the doctor. " This can make my illness be cured sonner⑲, then I can go back home, go to kindergarden, and sing, dance and play with my younger sister."


Zuo Shuhan stands in fornt⑳ of the door of her small house. She and her parents live in a house which is less than 5 square meters. This is a cottage area, and people who live here are all immigrant workers.


Zuo Shuhan is photographing for her parents. Shuhan's father is only 36 years old, but he already has grey hairs on his temples. The light green T-shirt of her mother is given by their neighbours. In order to cure their daughter's illness, this couple haven't bought any new clothes for two years.


My comments and suggestions:

① you can omit 'this year' as 'is' is present tense

② except for her

③ no different

④ girls (spelling)

⑤ dancing, drop 'e' (spelling)

⑥ around (spelling), just the word 'playing' is sufficient

⑦ dress (spelling)

⑧ wrong collocation, I suggest using 'Her greatest wish'

⑨ princess' (spelling), should also be in possessive form

⑩ couple (spelling)

⑪ Little Shuhan (proper noun capitalise the first letter) ; same for ⑫, ⑯, ⑱

⑬ Beijing (spelling)

⑭ to seek, drop 'for'

⑮ cheerful (spelling)

⑰ just one 'to'

⑲ sooner (spelling)

⑳ front (spelling)

neighbour (singular)

to save money


Good job!

Pay more attention to correct spelling.


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Medal of honor September's Best Writer 2012

Post time 2012-12-22 11:30:38 |Display all floors
This post was edited by LoneAcorn at 2012-12-23 22:12

rainyweather Post time: 2012-12-19 15:31


Zuo Shuhan is 7 years old now. She loves dancing, singing and playing with other children and has he ...


rainyweather:


Zuo Shuhan is 7 years old now. She loves dancing, singing and playing with other children and has her own dream. She loves life as ①same as other little girls do in her age. The only difference between her and other girls is her bald head and pale face. She is suffering from neuroblastoma and receiving chemotherapy②.


Shuhan and her parents are living in a small house less than 5 square meters. Her favorite fairytale character is Snow White. She always pictures herself dressing③ in a princess dress④ and wearing a  tiara. She wishes she could recover soon so that she can come back to her hometown and wear princess dress.


Zuo xiaolong and Jiang Xue, Shuhan’s parents, are taking her to Beijing and doing their best to save their daughter. They left another daughter who is looked after by her⑤ elderly grandparents⑥ at the⑦ hometown in Shaanxi province.


Shuhan loves dancing so much that she could even give dancing⑧ performance on her bed to other patients in the hospital. Compared with other children who are scared of going⑨ hospital, Shuhan is quite happy every time she gets treatment in the hospital. “After receiving medical treatment, I could recover soon, and I could go back to kindergarden, sing and dance, and play with my sister.” ⑩She said.


Shuhan is standing at the door of their small house.  Most people living in this neighborhood⑪ are migrant workers.


Shuhan is taking photograph of her parents. Though her father is only 36 years old now, he has already got much gray temples⑫. Jiang Xue, Shuhan’s mother, is wearing a light green T-shirt which was given away by her neighbor. In order to pay Suhan’s medical bills, they haven’t bought any new clothes for themselves in two years.



My comments and suggestions:

① same as girls her age  

② should be radiotherapy, chemotherapy is 化疗

③ dressed in

④ "princess' gown" would be better

⑤ their (the couple is the subject of this paragraph)

⑥ parents

⑦ their

⑧ It's awkward to use the verb 'dancing' twice in a sentence. Try: … she could even perform on her bed …

⑨ going to the hospital

⑩ "…. with my sister," she said. (use a comma instead of a period before end of quote punctuation if the words 'she said' is to be added in the last part of a sentence; do not capitalise 's' in 'she')

⑪ What type of houses are in the neighbourhood?

⑫ greying at the temples


Minor mistakes. Good job!


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Post time 2012-12-22 11:33:11 |Display all floors
DSseeing Post time: 2012-12-20 05:27
本文节选自《大病儿童和他们的小小梦想》
The script is taken from "Seriously ill children and their sw ...

DSeeing:



The script is taken from "Seriously ill children and their sweet little dreams "

Zuo Shuhan  is 7 years old. Apart from the bald head and the pale-looking face, she's the same with every other girl who enjoys dancing, singing, playing and having little innocent dreams. However she's carrying①  Neuroblastoma② who's still under③ Radiotherapy④.


Zui⑤ Shuhan's family of three are dwelling in a small house of less than 5 square meters. She likes Snow White so much that she always pictures herself wearing the same dress and little crown as the princess'.  The very wish⑥ she has is to go back her hometown and put on the princess dress after her disease is cured.  


The couple, Zuo Xiaolong and Jiang Xue, are determined to give little Shuhan 's disease the full treatment. While they took Shuhan⑦ to Beijing for treatments, they let their elderly parents look after the younger daughter back in hometown of  Sha'an Xi ⑧ province.


Lively and cute Shuhan likes dancing very much. When she was in hospital, she would joyfully show her dance to other fellow patients, bouncing up and down on her bed. Children are generally afraid of going to hospitals, but Shuhan looks happy whenever she's hospitalized. "In this way, I can recover sooner, so I can go home to attend the kindergarten, where I can sing and dance, and play with my sister."


Zuo Shuhan is standing at the door of the little house of 5 square meters, where her family of three are living. This is a neighborhood of one-story houses that shelter migrant workers.


Zuo Shuhan is holding a camera and taking a picture of her parents. Shuhan's⑨ father has already had grey sideburns at the age of only 36 this year, while her mother Jiang Xue is wearing a pea⑩ green T-shirt given by a neighbor. To save money for Shuhan's treatments, the couple haven't bought new clothes for two years.


My comments and suggestions:

① suffering from neuroblastoma or has neuroblastoma

②, ④  neuroblastoma and radiotherapy are not proper nouns, no need to capitalize

③ undergoing

⑤ Zuo

⑥ Suggest 'she very much wish' instead of 'very wish' ("very" can function only as a premodifier of an adjective or another adverb, and not as an adverbial)

⑦ can use pronoun 'her' instead

⑧ Shaanxi, not Shan'an Xi

⑨ Her (can use pronoun as her name is already mentioned at the start of this paragraph)

⑩ 淡绿色 is 'pale green', pea green is 豆绿色

⑪ no character in the title 小小梦想 that translates to 'sweet'


Minor mistakes. Good job!




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Post time 2012-12-22 11:35:31 |Display all floors
This post was edited by LoneAcorn at 2012-12-23 22:14

linda_sun Post time: 2012-12-20 13:23


本文节选自《大病儿童和他们的小小梦想》


Excerpts from Seriously ill children and their small dreams


...


linda_sun:


Excerpts from Seriously ill children and their small dreams


Zuo Shuhan is 7 years old. Apart from the bald head and the pale-looking face, she's no different from an ordinary girl of her age who likes dancing, singing, playing and dreaming. However she suffers from neuroblastoma and still receives radiation therapy.


Her family of three lives in a small house of less than 5 square meters. She loves Snow White and always dreams of wearing the princess' dress and little crown.  What she desires most is to go back to her hometown and wear the princess dress after her disease is cured.  


Zuo Xiaolong and his wife Jiang Xue are determined to make all their efforts to cure their daughter's disease. They left their younger daughter taken by① their elderly parents in their hometown of② Shaanxi province while they took Shuhan to Beijing for treatment.


Shuhan is a lively and adorable girl. She likes dancing very much. While in hospital, she would bounce up and down on the bed dancing③ for other fellow patients. While other kids are afraid of going to hosptial④, Shuhan feels happy each time she is hopitalized⑤. "So I can recover quickly.  I can go home to attend the⑥ kindergarten, sing, dance, and play with my sister."


Zuo Shuhan stands at the door of the 5-sqm-house⑦ where her family of three lives. The area of single-story houses is home to migrant workers.


Zuo Shuhan takes a photo of her parents. Shuhan's father, 36, has almost gray at the temples. Her mother Jiang Xue wears a light green T-shirt that was given by a neighbor. To cure little Shuhan's disease, the couple, who saves every penny they earn, haven't bought new clothes for two years.


My comments and suggestions:

① in the care of

② in

③ and dance

④ hospital (spelling)

⑤ hospitalized (spelling)

⑥ drop 'the'

⑦ 5 sq m house


I've noticed an improvement. Good job!

Regrettably, it's submitted after the cut off time or this entry may well be in my top 2 picks.  


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Post time 2012-12-22 12:08:48 |Display all floors
well, the title is wrong, that is not tanslation contest, that if story-making contest,

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Post time 2012-12-22 16:51:29 |Display all floors
LoneAcorn Post time: 2012-12-22 11:30
rainyweather:
Zuo Shuhan is 7 years old now. She loves dancing, singing and playing with other chi ...

thank you so much.

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Post time 2012-12-23 09:06:44 |Display all floors
Again a good standard overall was presented in this the second translation contest. Lonearcorn has beaten the rest of us judges to the post with an incredible analysis of each work and he should be thanked very much by one and all.

Lizachen's translation is by far the best this week, it's good to see such quality work in the contest.

Honorable mention to DSseeing and rainyweather for their well above average translations.

Per Ardua Ad Astra

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