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This post was edited by blueeyes.yu at 2012-9-10 17:11|
It is estimated that 16 million straight women are married to gay men in China, according to Zhang Beichuan, a medical professor at Qingdao University in eastern China, given that same-sex marriage is not legal in China and men face social pressure to marry and have children regardless of their sexual orientation.
The wives of gay men in China are usually the last to know the truth about their husbands sexuality since their male lovers and family members go to great pains to conceal their sexual orientation. Many women feel cheated and humiliated after taking years to discover what was driving their husbands behavior. Many less fortunate have also suffered years of domestic violence at the hands of their frustrated husbands.
Yet the problems go deeper. Many of these women are unable to end their marriages due to financial dependence or social pressure. Some say they are unable to leave their husbands as they often use children as tools to dissuade women from leaving.
It is especially difficult for Chinese men to come out to their families. Traditional beliefs about the importance of maintaining bloodlines permeate society, which regards homosexuality as unfilial. Yang Shaogang, a Shanghai-based lawyer who specializes in tongqi cases, counselled five women last year after they contracted HIV from their husbands. The only way to prevent this sort of tragedy from befalling such women, he says, is calling for more tolerance so gay men won’t feel forced to enter marriage in the first place.
The news above is something that jumped out to me in the newspaper today. This is really horrible.
As far as I know, in western countries, a gay man barely gets married with a straight woman. For western people, it is hard to understand it. However, as a Chinese, I can understand why the men do it. In fact, “tongqi” is a kind of social phenomenon with the most unique Chinese characteristics. The large number of women who find themselves in this position is a result from the deeply ingrained tradition that adult men and women should marry. For Chinese men, there are especially high expectations for them to take up certain gender roles in a couple's home life, shouldering family responsibilities and siring children to continue the family line.
Even though I can understand it, I still feel angry with the fact so many Chinese gay men get married to straight women so that they think they can cover their identity and sexual orientation from society.
A gay man lies to an innocent woman who trusts him, loves him and gives birth to babies for him and then he eventually he may in turn domestically abuse her. It would take the wife a life time to think about why her husband doesn’t love her; she may be obsessed with such questions for her whole life, “why can’t I make him happy? No matter what I do, I feel really bad about myself”, “he is not a bad person, but why is he always mean to me, I may not be good enough for him.” “Why does he always have so many business trips and seldom touches me?” It turns out that he may go on so many romantic trips to visit his male lover.
They deliberately cover the truth and are willing to sacrifice the life of their wives and even their children’s happiness so they can give into the so called “social pressure”.
I know people can be judgmental. But actually, society is becoming more and more tolerant of gay people. If you are a gay man, please be brave enough to admit your sexual identity.
If you lie to a woman to get her to marry you, what you are doing is lying to yourself. Because a marriage concerns two people, you can’t say it’s none of their business once you get married. Getting married to a straight woman can’t solve your problems. Actually it would cause new problems and get more people involved in, say your children and your parents and her parents or maybe friends around you and her.
I feel concerned for single women seeing as there are so many in China today. How are women to tell if a man they meet is a secret homosexual or not? How are women to know if they can truly trust a man or if they are just being set up for a big trap?