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My Chinese Girlfriend Troubles. [Copy link] 中文

Rank: 1

Post time 2009-1-18 12:22:23 |Display all floors
Hi,

I am a BBC (British Born Chinese) living in the UK and for about 2 years now I have been seeing my girlfriend which is from China (Shanghai). She came over to study and we have known each other for about 4 years now. Since being with her it has probably been the most happiest time of my life, but also some of the most stressful and heartbreaking times. Recently we have been having many arguments, arguments is mainly about my family and also money.

Where do I start? The main problem I have with her is that she really hates coming to my house and seeing my family. If I was honest I dont come from a very rich background. I have always been quite close to my family and they are a big part of my life as well as my girlfriend. Her main excuse for not coming over to my house is that she 'doesn't want to.' and she says that in Chinese culture girlfriend/boyfriends don't visit parents often. Is this true?? I accepted this culture difference and told her that its ok that she didnt come over but told her she has to come sometimes and she said 'ok'. I have 3 older sisters and sometimes that I think she feels intimidated by them, but then she also refuses to come even if they are not there!  but in total she has come to my house 2 times in the 2 years we have been together, but recently she didn't come to my house on Christmas and my family invited her but she still refused, and this is not just one time that my parents invite her over but she says 'no' every time. She didn't have any other plans on Christmas and also this was a special occasion, but she still didn't come. As a result I said i would split up with her but seeing that i love her so much i asked for her back and she accepted. Now my parents dont know that I am seeing her again and I have to lie to my parents when i am seeing her, as my parents disapprove of me being back with her. Is this all related to 'Chinese Culture'?? I would consider myself Chinese as my parents are from hong kong and I am very knowledgeable on my 'chinese culture' but is there a difference between my knowledge on chinese culture and hers?? I dont know. She just keeps telling me that chinese girls don't go to their bf's house often, but is once a year too much?? I try to talk to her about it now but she doesn't listen.

please help.

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Rank: 4

Post time 2009-1-18 13:22:18 |Display all floors
i don't know how to say. But it really not Chinese culture what makes her don't come to your family.
As a well-spent day brings happy sleep, so life well used brings happy death.

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Post time 2009-1-18 20:07:02 |Display all floors
If you think its not chinese culture why does she keep saying its culture difference? she says that i won't understand because i was born here. So what do you think it is? it's ok you can say the truth what you think. i need a truthful opinion.

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Post time 2009-1-19 00:46:22 |Display all floors
I feel for you, man. I am not chinese, but Indian in america, but I have a lot of chinese friends. Based on what I've seen, I  hate to tell you, I do not think this is anywhere near chinese culture. From what I've seen, they will do it, even if they don't like it, just to be polite. In fact, even though you were born outside, I think you are more chinese than her.  If she really loves you, she will visit them for you.

Some guys would just drop family in a minute to run after gf. The problem with that is you are breaking away from who you are. She is accepting only one side of you as a bf, but not your past or your connections? She is probably trying to hide something or she is being possessive or something must have happened when she visited. Is she afraid of having to get married or something? May be, she is not as serious as you are. I will definitely talk to her at length about it. Personally, I'd just move on, as I can't live like that for the rest of my life. But that's just a personal choice.

Good Luck!

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Post time 2009-1-19 09:17:34 |Display all floors
Thanks for your opinion on things kanishqa.

No she is not afraid of being married. she spoke to me the other day that she wants to get married before 25. and she made it clear to me what type of husband she wants (one with money). I know that she shouldnt be saying this, but for some reason i just cant let go. As I am not from the richest of backgrounds, this is what i think she is basing her decision on. she doesnt understand that money isnt the answer to everything. tried talkin to her about this so many times.. she still doesnt change. But there is a possibility that she cares about my future and she wants me to be successful and make lots of money but instead of supporting me she just smashes me to the ground on my current situation. Is a gf supposed to be making me feel bad about myself, so i will pick myself up and do something about it to prove her wrong.. or is she supposed to support me and tell me that i can do and able anything i want?? I dont know. what do you think??

she has been to my parents house before and nothing happened to make her hate my house so much. i am sure of that. But she still tries to blame me for her dislike for my family.. i dont get it.

anyway man thanks for ur opinion. respect man.

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Rank: 4

Post time 2009-1-19 10:24:28 |Display all floors

Red Flag

This is a gigantic red flag--something is wrong.  I don't think she is being truthful.  But let's say that she is--I don't think there is much of future with someone who avoids your family like the plague.

The second problem is the issue of money.  Arguments over money is the number one cause of breakup in a marriage.  You said that she has made it clear that she wants a husband with money.  At least she's being upfront about this, but don't hold your breath thinking she's going to change.  Either you have to get rich, or I'm afraid you're just asking for a boat load of misery trying to work it out with her.

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Post time 2009-1-19 10:48:58 |Display all floors
sorry to read your story. i am a chinese lady, growing and educated in China, and now still being in China.  but just it is not chinese culture --chinese girls don't go to their bf's house often. Chinese culture is to live together with bf's parents when she live with her bf.

after i read your story, i have a bad feeling that you won't be happy after you marry her, even you love her much and you live with your love everyday.

maybe the things you love not always make you happy.

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