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When close relationships based on intimacy and trust go wrong, whether they're sexual or not, it affects our mental and emotional wellbeing deeply.
The first step towards dealing with difficulties in your relationships is to look at your relationship with yourself. This might sound odd if you haven't thought about it before, but we all bring experiences, thoughts, expectations and needs to our relationships. You need a reasonable understanding of how this 'emotional baggage', as it's known, is contributing to problems in your relationship - and you can gain this using simple exercises in self-reflection.
Shut your eyes and try to think of nothing. Unless you've been meditating for years, this will be tricky. You'll find that your mind fills up with what psychologists call 'self-talk', a commentary we make to ourselves as we go through life. The mind hates a void, so it fills it with this commentary. When there's less in our minds (often at night) it comes to the fore, and it can contribute to anxiety or depression.
闭上双眼；努力什么都不想。 除非过去你长时间一直都有进行冥思的习惯，不然要做到这点不那么容易。你会发现你的思维充满了心理学家所称之为的”自我对话“--生活中给自己做出的评论。 我们的思想讨厌真空；于是它会用这样的评论来填补。当大脑做出的思考少（往往在夜晚），这种”评论“就会显现，而它会帮助引起焦虑或抑郁。
Self-talk often includes predictions of the way various situations will turn out. When you predict a negative outcome, you may be creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. To explore this, use our thought diaries and mood monitors.
通常，自我对话包含有对不同处境下将会出现什么结果的预测。 当你预测的是一个消极的结果，你也许会制造一个”自我实现“的预言。 要更多了解，请参见”思维日记和心情监视仪“一文。
The importance of self-talk
By examining self-talk, you can identify what you expect from a relationship. You might discover unrealistic expectations - couples should never disagree, for example, or that you should do everything together - that are contributing to the tension.
Sometimes you'll use more wide-ranging and destructive beliefs to bring problems to a dead end so it seems no further confrontation is needed. But this is, of course, just a way of avoiding the issues. Such generalisations include:
有时候，你会用泛化、毁灭性的观点将问题带到一个死角；从而似乎更多的对峙没必要了。 当然这不过只是回避问题的一个方法。 这类总结包括有：
* it's my (or your) fault 这是我的（或者，你的）错
* this kind of behaviour runs in my family 这类行为在我成长的家庭中就出现过。
* it's just fate 命中注定
Often, this kind of belief generates negative self-talk and becomes so entrenched that the very idea of change is frightening. Your present situation may be far from ideal, but at least you know the pitfalls. With change comes uncertainty, which might lead to something worse.
Approaching relationship problems
Breaking this deadlock can be hard, and it takes courage. In his book, Human Relationship Skills (ISBN 0415385873), Professor Richard Nelson-Jones identifies a seven-step strategy for solving relationship problems:
打破这种僵局往往会很难，它需要勇气。 在《人类关系技巧》一书中，作者Richard Nelson-Jones教授列出了解决关系问题的七个步骤：
1. Confront the problem. Having acknowledged a problem exists in a calm way, point it out and ask the person to choose a time and place when they'll feel comfortable discussing it.
1. 面对问题。 平静地承认某个问题存在，指出来，并让对方选择一个时间和地点这样彼此能感到舒适地讨论。
2. Understand each other's views. Take time to hear each other right through, without interruption. If feelings run high, wait until you're both calm or write down everything you have to say and swap what you've written. Think about it for a day before talking it through. It may be that each was failing to understand how the situation seemed to the other - if so, blame isn't helpful. Be honest about any misperceptions you've had.
3. Define the problem. Start by acknowledging what you agree about. Then try looking at the specific actions - by both of you - that keep the problem alive.
3.定义问题 。 一开始承认你自己同意什么。然后去关注--两人做出的--使问题存在的具体行为。
4. Search for solutions. Don't discount any possibility, however outrageous; just come up with as many as possible. Then look at each one together and talk through the rational consequences of it.
4.寻找解决方法 。 不要藐视任何的可能性，不论那是多么不可思议；只要尽量多的想出来。然后共同研究每一个；并讨论这个可能性的理性后果。
5. Agree on one solution. To do this, you both need to feel the problem has been resolved for you. A solution is not a way of letting one of you carry on as before while the other continues to feel hurt and unvalued.
6. Implement the solution. Keep to the agreement and, if one of you fails to do so, point it out in a calm, non-aggressive way.
6. 实施方法。 按照协定去做。如果有一方没有做到，那么就用平静的、非侵犯的方法指出来。
7. Review the agreement. If things aren't working, repeat steps one to six, looking at why they're not working. Success in this process is not necessarily that all problems are completely resolved - but the process keeps going and is felt to be worthwhile by you both.
Finally, it sounds trite but the secret really is to keep talking.