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Sexual incompatibility troubles marriages(e-c)practice [Copy link] 中文

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Post time 2008-3-4 15:41:49 |Display all floors
Sexual incompatibility troubles marriages

    * Story Highlights
    * 故事提要
    * Some couples find themselves in sexually incompatible marriages
    * 有些人们发现婚姻中性生活出现排斥
    * Experts: Too much focus on wedding, not on relationship
    * 专家意见:太多关注于结婚;情感关系关注程度不够
    * Marriage counselor: Honest communication leads to hot sex
    * 婚姻顾问:诚实交流产生激情性生活

By Liane Yvkoff

(LifeWire) -- He's a 38-year-old executive. She's a 34-year-old homemaker. He says they never fight, and in many ways they're compatible -- but not when it comes to sex.


"It's almost like a checklist," says Jon (who asked that his real name not be used) of their once-a-month lovemaking. The problem, he believes, is a lack of desire.


Sexually unfulfilling marriages aren't limited to new parents or aging baby boomers with hormone imbalances. They can ensnare even the relatively young and the recently married. When they are unable to blame kids, stress or physical issues, many couples struggle unhappily to identify -- and resolve -- the problems behind their lackluster sex life.


[ Last edited by hly_2009 at 2008-3-4 03:47 PM ]

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Post time 2008-3-4 15:43:16 |Display all floors
Couples end up in sexually unfulfilling marriages for a variety of reasons, says Marty Klein, a licensed marriage counselor and certified sex therapist in Palo Alto, California. One reason, he says, is America's obsession with marriage.

  来自加州Palo Alto的Marty Klein是一位获得许可从业许可证的婚姻咨询师、资质认证的性治疗学家。他说,造成对性生活不满意存在着许多不同的原因。他说,一个是美国人对结婚的情结。

Laura Berman, a Chicago sex therapist and relationship expert, agrees. "We put the blinders on when we're dating," she says. "We focus so much on the wedding, we don't notice the warning signs."

  来自芝加哥的性治疗学家和关系专家 Laura Berman同意这个看法。 她说:"在约会的时候,我们会蒙住自己的眼睛。太关注于结婚上了,不会去注意那些警告征兆”

Those who believe passion inevitably fades may downplay the sex factor, picking someone they think would be a good father or a good wife even if they're not an ideal lover, Berman adds.


"I chose her because I thought it would enhance me in some way," Jon says of his wife.


Berman has seen it before: "People choose partners who have the right resume but maybe not the entire package."


Other couples enter into relationships with so-so chemistry because they think they're in love and overlook key differences, says Klein.


Bobbie Jonas, a holistic health practitioner in Calistoga, California, acknowledges she ignored obvious warning signs during her courtship. "I was more interested in a way out from home," she says of her first marriage. Poor communication compounded the effects of weak chemistry. After 10 years, they divorced.

  Bobbie Jonas是一位来自加州Calistoga的全身健康医师。她承认自己在求爱时期忽略了显而易见的警告信号。在谈起第一次的婚姻时,她说:"我对主外更感兴趣“。 不良的交流又加剧了”两性作用“的影响。十年后,两人离婚。

"Couples wondering where the sex went should be asking if it was ever really there," says Berman.


That explanation makes sense to Jon. Although he said he and his wife, who live on the West Coast, started off with great chemistry, the cracks in the relationship began to show before they traded rings. After a four-month dry spell during their engagement, his wife brought up the idea of canceling the wedding. "I just really wanted to get married," Jon says. "I felt that it was what I was supposed to do."

  Jon看来就是这个情况。虽然他表示自己和妻子一开始化学作用很强,可是在结婚前关系中出现了裂痕。 在订婚后长达四个月枯燥的时间,她妻子提出取消婚姻的想法。 Jon说:"我一心想着结婚;感到那是我应该做的“

Now Jon is having an affair with a woman -- also in a sexually unsatisfying marriage -- for whom he feels intense passion. "I didn't realize the importance of sex," he says.

  现在,Jon和另一位女人有了关系--她也同样有一段性生活不满的婚姻--而他对她有着强烈的激情。 他说:“我过去没有意识到性的重要性”

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Post time 2008-3-4 15:44:29 |Display all floors
It's not always a problem

On average, Americans report having sex 85 times a year, according to the 2007 Sexual Wellbeing Global Survey conducted by Harris Interactive for Durex. The largely online survey polled 26,032 people in 26 countries using random samples of those aged 16 and older.

  根据由Harris Interactive为Durex进行的2007年全球性福调查显示,美国人每年平均进行85次性生活。调查主要在线进行,调查对象是随机选取年龄在16岁及16岁以上来自26个国家的26032人。

Therapists generally define "sexless" marriage as having sex less than about 10 times a year, and they estimate 1 in 5 couples are in such a relationship.


But Klein cautions against looking for problems where there are none.


"A dry spell is only a problem if the couple thinks it is," he says. "There are plenty of couples who don't have sex and don't think there's anything wrong with it. And there's others that are in a lot of pain about it."

  他说:"如果人们认为无性期是一个问题反倒是一个问题。 有许多夫妇没有性但他们也不会认为有什么错;而许多人对此痛苦不已“

Klein notes that the expectation of eternally passionate sex may be setting people up to fail. "People have the assumption that you can have long-term, monogamous, hot sex," he says. "It's never been done (on a large scale) in the history of the world."


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Post time 2008-3-4 15:46:04 |Display all floors
Getting more sex

Berman offers at least one reason to resolve unsatisfying love lives: "Often, when you're not having sex, your empathy and ability to connect is lower, and it's easier to have conflict," she says. "It amplifies (marital) problems."


At the Berman Center in Chicago, she counsels couples on repairing their sex lives. Some advice:


• Try traditional gender roles: Men may become more sexually assertive if they feel more in control, and women may feel more desire for a mate with newfound machismo. "You don't have to get his slippers," explains Berman. "You just have to give him some control." She suggests a date where the man chooses everything -- her clothes, the restaurant, the food -- as a starting point.

  试扮演传统性别角色:男人们如果感到更多支配时会在性上面更主动;而女性们当发现男性出现新的男子气概则会更到更多欲望。Berman解释到:"你不必去替他提鞋;你只要给他一些控制” 她建议人们进行一次男人选择一切的约会--她的衣服;餐馆;食物。以此作为起步。

• Engage in exciting activities: Whether it's trying an extreme sport like skydiving or snowboarding, or exploring new options in the bedroom, activities that get the pulse racing can open the brain's dopamine centers and increases desire.

  更刺激的活动: 不论是尝试一种例如像跳伞或滑雪这样的极限运动,还是在卧室尝探索新的方法,只要那些能使脉搏飞快跳到的活动都能打开大脑多巴胺中心;增加性欲。

• Talk about it: Couples also would benefit from simply communicating with their partners about what they want in bed. "There is no secret to hot sex," says Klein. "Sexy lingerie and dinners out are no substitute for an honest conversation about sex."

  共同谈论: 夫妇们简单地和对方讨论自己在床上有何需要也能收益。 Klein说:"激情性生活中没有秘密;性感内衣裤和外出吃饭都不能代替双方诚恳的性对话“

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