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Marriage issue with Hunan Girl [Copy link] 中文

Rank: 1

Post time 2006-9-21 08:47:22 |Display all floors
Hello all

I am having trouble keeping my marriage alive with my wife who is from China. We live in Australia. We have been just married for about 8 months and now we a living in separate rooms and she wants to divorce me. We have a beautiful daugher who is nearly 2 years old.  She has stated I should find another women. I feel quite sad. It so hard to find people to talk to! Anyway so I thought I would try this forum.

I have narrowed down the problem. She says basically says she can't afford a life with me. My income is not highest in the world but not the lowest in the world, we have a mortgage. I work in IT and have uni degree. Its not too bad.  She is very intelligent and now setting up a business.  

She has some friends who married men who don't have financial problems at all and the wife does not need to work. She is disappointed I am not like them and has to work. She stayed at home for 1 year to look after our daughter at same time she did little bits of work and study. But she looks at our bank balance and looks at some of her friends and thinks we need more money. Sometimes she makes me feel sad about other successful people. For example at a recent wedding she would video her friends husband and states "here is the most intelligent man in this room". I am the only other male in the room. This is an example of what she says and I feel a bit small perhaps because I don't earn 6 digits. Her friend stated it was not a nice thing to say. There was no reaction.

Another major issue is she strongly dislikes my parents. One reason is she says she wants to leave me because she can't accept them. This is common in a lot of marriages daughter in-law not liking my mum and dad. My mum and dad haven't done a lot bad however she is right they do have weaknesses. She compares them to other parent inlaws and its true some charactistics are better with them. But what can I do? They give us space and I have told them to leave us alone for a bit as our relationship is a bit unstable. They understand and leave us alone. She thinks that my parents don't like her and look down upon her as she is chinese. My dad found out about this and look into her eyes and said I really do accept you as our daughter-inlaw and apologies for creating a bad impression. My Dad comes from a foreign country so he would understand her feelings a bit. However this hasn't worked. My wife says now when I see them, "what do they say bet they say bad things about me" "I don't care!". Honestly they don't say anything to me but she doesn't believe me.

I have made measures at work to improve my skills and will try and look for a better job to earn some more $$$. My boss gave me approval to go on some courses to help my skills grow. So I am making an effort to help serve my wife's needs as well as my own self development. I am very good around the house. Do lots of chores, cook, clean and look after our daughter..... She does say from this aspect I am an excellent husband.  I am not perfect and have made mistakes like everyone but I have not had affairs or anything close to that. I also do not tell her off and get angry at her often.

So some help out there. I know in chinese culture in this day and age money and status mean a lot. Is this a culture thing? How can you deal with this?  I know Divorce is an issue in chinese society (maybe more than western) and I was of the belief this was due to some men having affairs. Maybe this is not so true.

So any advice would be great to help me recover the marriage? Perhaps some chinese people or western people who have been in similar situations give some words of advice.

When I talk about being together again it tends making her more angry. One thing we do have in common we love our daughter.


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Rank: 8Rank: 8

Post time 2006-9-21 08:59:52 |Display all floors


I got very touched by the story you have posted, since it resembles quite a bit with the situations I went thru some time back.

You need really to keep yourself on track; I mean that you need to keep your objectives of life clear. I normally center my inner power in three aspects of life:

1- Love
2- Health
3- Money

Not necesary put in this order, these 3 aspects of life rule the stability of a person. Many people seem to think that by having a lot of money they will gain the other two "houses" of inner power; very bad mistake.

I recommend you that you face your wife in this manner: you love her and your daughter (the family base), you have a healthy life (physically and environmentally) and now you are working hard to improve the money (economy and social positionament). Encourage her to do the same exercise and to come to you with a decision. If then she still thinks you should get a divorce, tell her to take the first step and file the divorce, but insist that you strongly disagree.

I am a father of 3 children, I have gone in life thru many stressful and difficult situations, I mean economicaly, of course, but I have never lost faith in two basic things; my family, who loves me and supports me, and myself. I strongly believe in the things I do and take them to the dippest consequences.

If you want to talk further, I am more than happy to help. Just send me your email by PM and we can talk.

Hope you get strengh to deal with this situation, my friend!

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Rank: 8Rank: 8

Post time 2006-9-21 09:08:29 |Display all floors
Matt it sounds like she spends all her time trying to keep up with her friends and not enough time enjoying  the family she has, it sounds like you two have it all, a home you can call your own, a beautiful daughter, a monogamous relationship, to tell you the truth your little story is scaring the hell outa me as I am heading to china to meet my soon to be laopo, I don't know of any way that can help get your wife back on track and away from this materialistic ideology, I hope you figure it out before it affects your daughter. hang in there :)
There are no Ugly women , only those with low self esteem .

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Rank: 6Rank: 6

Post time 2006-9-21 09:27:18 |Display all floors
She sounds very insecure. Insecurity is a difficult problem to cure. I'm not sure if I have any specific advice; just that observation. Good luck, though, truly; it sounds like you're a decent guy and you want this to work.

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Rank: 4

Post time 2006-9-21 09:53:25 |Display all floors


Sorry to hear yr story, man. From what you said, I found you are really a gentleman. And from what u stated above, I think u did nothing wrong. Both my gf and I are from hunan too. I have been together with my gf for over 7 years and I found hunan gls are really of hot temper and are not easy to take care of...........

I don't have much constructive advice for u though. I am myself a failure of dealing with my gf Anyway, take care yourself well, take care of your daughter well. Figure out what your wife does want and what u can do about it and then have a good talk with her. Plus, don't forget to tell her u love her and yr daughter.........

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Rank: 6Rank: 6

Post time 2006-9-21 10:00:16 |Display all floors
marriage is mainly based on love without which it will collapse like a building losing the support of its base ...!  do u feel she still loves u?  it's the question only u can answer...!  if the answer is YES, it will be somewhat easier to bring her back onto the right track, u can just work together to solve her problem with yr parents,(which u have done sth about), to get her out of the situation of 'losing face' seeing other ladies living a 'comfortable' life staying at home doing nothing, and ask her to rethink of what will happen to your daughter once u seperate...! most of chinese women nourishes deep and selfless love for their kids for whose good they dare to sacrifice everything...! ; but if she does not love u, (which i think is not the case with u), just do as u are advised to in Post 2#: 'tell her to take the first step and file the divorce, but insist that you strongly disagree.'

Wish u good luck...!

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Rank: 6Rank: 6

Post time 2006-9-21 10:03:15 |Display all floors
Originally posted by matthew_aus at 2006-9-21 08:47
Hello all

I am having trouble keeping my marriage alive with my wife who is from China. We live in Australia. We have been just married for about 8 months and now we a living in separate rooms  ...

You are a decent guy and yr wife wants to leave u, you try hard to find why, when u can't find a satisfactory answer you appeal to 'culture' . But it's about personality of the individual, not the culture.I'm not saying this because I'm Chinese. My husband asked me what if he lost money in the business, I said 'try it, we can still live if you lose'. My friend asled me:' you have helped him and what if he seeks other relationships when he has money?" I answered that I won't regret having loved or helped him and I shouldn't drag him back to me just because I have helped him. I like to see him confident as a person first, as my husband second, I like to see him progress. If in the future he thinks he is better than me, I would think he may have a problem, but on the other hand, I would reflect too. I think in this way I have become open-minded and confident and my husband loves me.
Boating on the Houhai River...在后海泛舟...

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