Author: spaceman

Please explain my culture mistake!!! PLEASE!? [Copy link] 中文

Rank: 8Rank: 8

Post time 2006-8-18 12:25:34 |Display all floors

I don't think he's a pervert, I can understand his side...

Hi, sorry to answer, I do really want to help, even though I'm american (female). I'm certainly not going to bash anyone - I know some chinese people, and I think what sinfulangel and your girlfriend both said about "what's the connection" is a key... She's hearing "sleep over + brother trauma = huh?" How do they relate? How can her sleeping over help? They are two vastly different things that SHE thinks have nothing to do with each other. As an american, I can understand the cultural thing about wanting someone with you for support. Many people do that when a loved one is undergoing surgery, or dying, or whatever... family or close friends will often sit with each other, just to "be there", maybe they'll talk, or give a hug, or make sure the worried/upset person eats & is ok...

Maybe here's a difference.... I've heard that in Chinese culture it's common for someone to stay int he hospital with the patient, in other words you'd be in your brother's room at his side 24/7, as much as possible. But we know american hospitals rarely allow this, unless the person is on their deathbed - so often you'd end up sitting in a waiting room or at home, alone... alone? No, not alone, that's why friends or family might come to support YOU, to ease the worry, etc... I hope the chinese people reading can understand that difference too... the feeling of wanting someone there, not being alone. ..or maybe it can help the explanation to your girlfriend.

Anyway, I can imagine my taiji teacher's reaction right now, She'd say "Ohhh!" in her deep you've-got-to-be-kidding-me-no-way voice, and tell you there's no reason for her to stay over, it will not help your brother, and you will just have to be strong. Sleeping over is an absolute no-no, no matter what, no exceptions until after marriage.

If I were you I'd just apologize for asking, and explain it a little to show you didn't mean anything sexual. Explain that in our culture, close friends and family stay together in times of crisis or if someone is upset, and you didn't mean anything sexual, you just were just wanting her company by your side. You think of her so closely that it's like having a sister or old/best friend with you. Maybe if you explain it so she sees you're thinking of her as family, innocently, not sexually, it will help.

Then, never ever ever ever ever ever ever ask her to sleep over again.

Good luck
I am not rich.  :L

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Rank: 4

Post time 2006-8-18 20:33:48 |Display all floors

As a chinese gal ,i can understand his side

First i'd like u to know
ur gf is a typical traditional chinese girl and  of course ,sensible and realistic (the chinese-medicine thing)
she still decided to help u at her best after she read ur message ,although she was not in a good mood
(i presume)
second ,THE problem is..
She didn't think the two things had anything to do with each other.
she probably thought brother thing was just a lame excuse .
third,YOUR problem is..
u overemphasized ur love for her ,which might made her doubt whether all ur sweet words are just the
prologue to sex
i dont'  doubt ur love for her,but ur expressions need to be  "improved"(think in her way if u want to please
at last,i...
i can totally understand ur side,u just need someone u love to "be there" to  back u up .u r just afraid of being alone to face the disaster alone.u r just human ,though man, vulnerable.
may u good luck!

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Rank: 4

Post time 2006-8-18 21:15:51 |Display all floors

well.... I am a Chinese girl too...

If I were your gf.... I would say NO too....
Most Chinese girls are preserve and take LOVE very seriously. It's impossible for me to stay with a guy in the same room for the fear of something wrong will happen. Even if you've already mentioned you don't mean to have sex with her, it's still danger. What if you can't control yourself? It's not safe for a girl to stay with a man under the same roof, unless she is ready to have sex with him.

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Rank: 4

Post time 2006-8-18 21:54:30 |Display all floors
well, what did chinese men told me about chinese women.

i ll adjust everything to your story so it is 1,2,3 usable.

you showed a weak state. you showed that you were not a strong man she can lean upto but you need a women (what is this, are you gay or sth?) to hold upto and feel calm.

[serious moden]
chinese women = weak, need strong men, will not express their sexual desire.

chinese man = strong, will express their desires with attention, small gifts, remembering small things and eventually big gifst (bling bling she wants a ring)

if you are 37 years old you should not need her to deal with this (terrible) situation. you should show her you can do this by yourself, alone. in a disciplined, relaxed manor. when she feels this. THEN she will be there for you. cuz then she knows, you can be there for her TOO. from your post, i think that she thinks she is more matured and stronger then you are.

don't ask a chinese women (any women) by EMAIL not to have sex/have sex. this is a not talkable topic. you are the men, you go get your little rubber friends. and if she stays over and if she give youy the hint she wants it, then you are PREPARED. (and candles and scent and other stuff SHE likes)

chinese and americans relate as:

long term focus - instant gratification

your email sound 123 i want this:....

she sounds: show me the right things, and i will.... but untill now you didn't show me the right things, i am not sorry about this.

good luck with you gf, be there for your brother, its he that has leukemia, not you.


btw, fora are meamt for discussions. dont restrict repsonses next time you post.
"Life is as Beautiful as you Make it yourself"

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Post time 2006-8-18 21:54:34 |Display all floors
In chinese cultrue,man is often adamancy and silent,woman is often femininity,so she will not love the man who is so flaccidity,if you want to get the heart of a chinese woman, you must change your character

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Post time 2006-8-18 23:23:02 |Display all floors

Its NOT a Chinese vs American cultural thinking

The guy is just a pervert (nothing to do with culture.)  He's trying to use sympathy to "lure" the girl to spend time with him in a bedroom with the hopes of having sex (he wishes for "1,000 times." in the email)  If you read his message, there is definitely an overtone about sex.  While we humans need support when one has "problems" asking someone for support AND mentioning sex is not a "normal" person in any culture.  
The female is a nice person for looking for TCM remedies.  Hopefully, she will break up with him for good this time.  I hope his brother gets well and hope that he also gets well.

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Rank: 4

Post time 2006-8-19 00:19:06 |Display all floors
Sex is a very natural and normal thing. Even chinese girls think often about sex but the peer pressure not to have sex is the exact opposite of foreigne culture. Thinking about sex doesn't make him a pervert. If his girlfriend is 14years old.. ok.. then he would be a pervert. China was once a very open country until Mao ZeDong closed the doors. China doesn't have the world's largest population by accident. When a Chinese emperor has 1 wife and 100 concubines, I don't hear anyone calling him a pervert.

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