Author: adolaowai

a black guy dating a chinese girl, normal, magnificent, scary or BT  Close [Copy link] 中文

Rank: 4

Post time 2006-10-22 04:33:04 |Display all floors


Thanks DKsctt & Akun for your comments

Dk, you asked if I was truly happy being ignored by my chinese family? Of course I would be happier if they took an interest in my hubby and daughter, and I would have loved my grandparents to have seen their great grandchild. I was upset that they never mellowed out. I asked my mum why they wouldn't even want to see a photo of my girl and she said that would upset them to be reminded of a 'black' thing so they'll never know or want to know. It is sad but I have my own life to live and giving lots of attention to my immediate family. Believe me, a baby is  handful. It is harder in the sense that none of my family are around to even babysit or help out. I have managed so far and I was a first-time mum. It was hard. Even my English colleagues and friends wondered how I would manage but never underestimate a human's capabilities when they need to survive and get things done.

Fortunately I am not bitter (I hope not) about the whole thing. More like a great disappointment but it wasn't my fault (although they think it is!)  Life is never straighforward. You cannot have all you wish for. Even if I had all the money in the world, changing a stubborn, fixed mind is near to impossible.  Look at the different religions in the world. There are people converting to a different religion yet most (especially the extremists) are adament their religion is the only right one.

In some ways I can see why a race wants to keep to themselves and not mix the blood. However when you experience true love for a person it surpasses many things -  the immediate things being the physically visible. Chinese people stick to their own. It has been expected of them, in a subtle way throughout our lives that we should settle down with another chinese. Anything outside of that comfort zone scares them and is considered a bad thing. I recall when I was a child my mum used to say if you want to make me happy, marry a rich chinese man! I didn't take much notice to say the least!

You would be surprised how many Chinese are ignorant of Africans. My father asked me whether my husband's family live up in the trees. I wasn't sure if he was being insulting or naive. I think he was serious, which is worse because it clearly showed he absolutely no idea of the black people in Africa.

Dksctt, it is a good idea not to talk about your boyfriend to your parents because their reaction will torment you and drain you emotionally. I presume your friends are non-chinese. They're saying you're brainwashed because they can never understand what's happening in your life. We chinese are respectful to our elders and their 'teachings' are supposed to be for our welfare. I always used to believe my grandparents were always right and I listened to them. There came a time in my early 20's when I realised they aren't always right and that to some extent they were pretty naive. They also treated my like a naive girl who who be easily led astray although they knew I was intelligent. They never really gave me the chance to let me be who I am, that why I moved out and I've been much happier ever since.  

Once you've finished your studies, get a steady well paying job then you can move out. It would be a big step. Regardless of whether the relationship is still going or not, you need time away from them to grow into your person and choose who you want to be with.

I will be sad for you and your current man if you are pressured by your parents to split with him. I believe the only reason you should split with him is something you should decide, not under the influence of your meddling relatives.

Akun, it's quite a compliment to 'plagarise' some my postings, honestly! Yes, it's been a hard journey and I'm not 30 yet. I hope it will give Dksctt some hope and for her to realise she's not alone because the situation is very hard emotionally when parents can't understand and neither can your friends.

I hope I have not bored you guys to death. Take care until the next time!

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Post time 2006-10-22 05:15:00 |Display all floors

The traditional mindset of the Chinese


I can understand your situation and why it may be happening. Chinese people (as china_gal had mentioned), by default, have been reared up in the traditional way of thinking that to get married is to carry on the generational family name with the bearing of descendents that will further carry on the name as well. Duty to one's family is foremost, and one's individualistic desires and wants are shoved to the back, so it is generally expected by tradition that one must marry for the sake of perserving the familial structure of social harmony and balance - and that includes marrying within the race. So it is in this way of conservative thinking that many Chinese who have been brought up by parents dwelling in this mindset often have a generational disconnection from them having lived in a world removed from that of the lives of their ancestoral counterparts.

In your case, you say you live in England, so it's that exposure to a different world that expands and broadens your horizons of other cultures and values. For myself, I live in America, and the U.S. emphasizes a great deal of personal satisfaction and self-fulfillment in many aspects of life, including that of marriage and love relations. I applaud your strength and establishment of a firm belief in holding true to your own values as an individual. I understand that it can be hard, but according to what chna_gal had said, live your life as it is. Even if your parents are rooted in their own traditional way of thinking, they do need to realize that the black race is just as human as any other race including Asian, and they should be regarded equally as any other Chinese man. Even if the culture and emphasized values of a different ethnic group may differ from those of the Chinese background, the Chinese need to be more open-minded and receptive to the differences they might come across, because it is inevitably bound to occur as the world is becoming more ethnically diverse and distributed in the contemporary way of living. Therefore, there is an apparent influx of shared values and common beliefs that tend to eventually override and revolutionize what has already been stressed in old-fashioned thinking.

So I say...stand up for what you believe in! It is time to break loose the barrier that separates conservative and contemporary thinking. As you have specified in your previous posts, your boyfriend seems like a nice guy, wanting to learn Cantonese as well as gain the respect from your parents. Your parents need to look beyond external skin color to realize the true internal state of who he really is, including his personality and true behavior. Differences in race and skin color only dwell on the shallow surface of the well, but to dive deep down into the depths is to explore and understand who one is as an individual, not determined by his colored status! In my personal experience, my parents tell me that they prefer that I marry within my Chinese race, but that sure didn't stop me from getting to know a white guy I starting crushing on last school semester!

I am still young (merely 19) and am a student at the university level, and though I haven't quite experienced what you or china_girl have gone through, I will try to offer some advice the best I can (from the Chinese American perspective, haha). Work your way through and let your parents know your true feelings about your lover. They may initially be resentful and stubborn, sticking firmly to their upheld beliefs of an old-fashioned mindset, but also communicate to them about the benefts of an interracial relationship, as they already have dwelled enough on the disadvantages. Communication is essential between the relationship of you and your family as it would help establish common ground and reduce conflicting feelings of bitterness and animosity. It would also promote understanding and enrich your relations with them. Most importantly, show your love for them. Let them know that you would not abandon them for the sake of your lover even if they are against the prospect of your interracial relationship; then they would be able to realize the seriousness of what you are putting up with in order to reach out to them. Also, if given more frequent opportunities for your parents to know your boyfriend better from the inside - in regard to his true personality, I think their perception of him would be much more of a benevolent than a belligerent behavior (as well as being less judgmental based on skin color alone).

I wish you the best, and I hope you will remain strong and forthright in your beliefs and values. Stay firm and true to them and don't lose hope!

- YongShi

[ Last edited by yongshi at 2006-10-21 02:26 PM ]
Every cloud has a silver lining.

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Post time 2006-10-22 17:25:25 |Display all floors

Thank u so much everyone

Thank u China_gal, Aikun and YongShi for the supportive post!!!!!!!!!!!!! It really do help me to stablise my emotion as I have been depressed about it recently. I now feel alot better after reading your post!! I was getting more and more closed minded towards what I can say to my parents if they pest me, thats why I went all down and emotional but from the post I got nice opinion which opened me up again! yay! Thank you so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll work hard in my studies and then get a good job and then let them realise that I'm an adult!!! An individual!!!!!!

*huggles to all of you*
take care!!

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Post time 2007-3-9 19:34:53 |Display all floors
I don't see that it would be such a big deal.  Why would you guys?

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Post time 2007-3-12 18:13:03 |Display all floors


The big problem is that u hav to deal with both side.. ur family and ur boyfriend........
The problem is that I do not see any problem in dating my boyfriend but my family do......
and the major difficulties in this matter is that I don't kno how to get my family to re-think that race does not matter, coz all they worry is that people will talk behind them "gossips gossips" that their daughter is with a black guy!! <-- that is also an issue in chinese society where people gossip too much about others and that they all hav the same mind when comes to dating blacks.......


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Post time 2007-3-13 09:30:24 |Display all floors
Originally posted by canadianguy at 2006-8-16 00:17

How bloody ridiculous.  "How blacks behave".  There's another topic here where there was a discussion about racism in China, and I argued that lots of Chinese are NOT racist...but THIS  ...

''and I argued that lots of Chinese are NOT racist...''

and why are there so many racist comments here?

can anyone to tell ???
At the time when the mountain flowers flourish.待到山花烂漫时

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Post time 2007-3-19 17:57:46 |Display all floors


well , i'm a Chinese girl mum warmed  me " if you married a foreigner , I will hate you for the rest of my
life . "
it's only because she thought  if I falls in love with an American or a guy from far away countries , I' ll go
wherever he goes . so she  can never see me again . If i married a black guy (who may lived in africa as she
thought )  will take years for her to forgive me .
Only a few people in China is racist  , there may be other reasons that why she doesn't chose a smart
black guy as her boyfrend.
if  she is a raccist , she never worth it .

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