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Screw it. Maybe it would help somone. [Copy link] 中文

Rank: 4

Post time 2005-4-10 16:43:40 |Display all floors
Saturday night, 2 am.  Never thought I would be alone again.

For a moment, my mind was at peace after all this time, but not for long.

Peace shatters so easily as if I have no right to have it.  

My thoughts return again, to my wife.  

She’s not here.  She must be asleep now, free of her demons, just for a while.

Has it been 7 years already since I first saw her?  

Dressed in that white summer skirt, looking out into the distance on the balcony.  

I felt something stir.  It was our beginning.   But of what?  I still don’t know.

Photos of us adorn our bedroom walls.  Only 23 years old then.

Maui, 1999.  The clear blue sky, the sand, the palmtrees, the endless ocean, and us.  

Oh god, she is still as beautiful as I first saw her, but how I have aged these years.

Putting down the wine.  “I should stop”.  Close my eyes.  “I know, but I need this.”

“How do I feel about our marriage?”  Confusion sets in.

So many thoughts flashes.  “I don’t’ know.”  But I do know…

It’s a mistake.  A young and beautiful mistake.  It has consumed me, no, her as well.

It’s is still full of love, or I wouldn’t be here, be in this state, feeling this way.

Love is one thing we don’t lack.  What we lack is fate.  

No, we have plenty of that as well, it is what brought us together.

But it’s also what is killing this marriage and is what’s tearing my heart out.

I planned for everything.  I left ample margin for error.  She trusted my intelligence.

And it was perfect.  Three years after our wedding, we had the world in our hands.

But fate had other plans.

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Post time 2005-4-10 16:46:41 |Display all floors

continued

More than two years have passed since then.

There were good days and bad days, but we endured.

I know she loves me deeply still.  But I can’t understand her any more.

“I love you, honey”  Her voice once brought me happiness, but now it stabs at my heart.

Justice, God, bring me justice.  What have we ever done to deserve this?

Little over two weeks ago.  She suffered a relapse.

The medicine kept her illness at bay, but sideffects haunted her.

Wanted to have a baby, she had stopped her medication a month before.

Maybe it’s my fault.  I had become complacent.  I trusted too much.

It’s worse than before.  The illness has become more resistant, and she has less left to fight it.

Two different drugs have failed.  She is now on 4 and it's still getting worse.

I need another drink.  I know, I know it’s bad for me.  But the hell with it.

I need to get it out of my system.  I need it.

Why am I even writing this?  Maybe it’s because none of you know me.

Maybe that’s my only solace in an endless battle that I can’t win.

I went to see her again, just like I do everyday.

My boss, my good friend, has asked me to take next two weeks off.

But what good would that do?  It’s only place that spare my trouble mind.

I’m not free any more.

I think about my old days.  How I was everything I wanted to be.

But for the love of one girl, I lost everything.

No, she’s not my wife.  But my greatest love, the love before my last dance.  Kristin....

Nora showed up when I was depressed.  She saved me from myself.

A girl from half way around the world, who walked into my life when I was in despair.

She gave me love, and stood in the place that was then empty.

But what had I done?  I stole her from her boyfriend because I was selfish.

I betrayed her because I was angry.

But she forgave me.  

I owe her for all this.  I owe her.  So I loved and married for all the wrong reasons.

I had never dreamed that it would cost me so much.

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Post time 2005-4-10 16:56:35 |Display all floors

contined

We were happy once.  All our friends envied us.

Good jobs.  Big house. Nice cars. Wealthy friends.  The semblance of a good life.

But we married too young.  We didn’t know.

We woke up too late.

More Brandy.  I still know it’s wrong.  But what have I got.

This house is like a tomb.  Our photos are our epitaphs.  

Memories of our happier days.  That’s what once kept me going; what gave me hope.

I’m even losing touch with those.  Now it’s memories of those memories.

Some of you think the US is a land of gold and happiness.  You don’t know.

We are all humans here.  We are all animals in a zoo.

Screw it.  My life is my life.  Come to the US if you dare.

Her parents once thought the US would set her free.

They sent her to the US just months before Hong Kong returned to China.

Now that decision would haunt them forever, and haunt me forever.

She was in love with a professor then.  She had an affair with him.

It was her parents’ decision to send her here.  She needed love.  I know.

We keep no secret from each other.  That’s why I was in love with her.

She needs me just as I need her.

I know it sounds strange.  But that’s my life.  That’s our fate.

But can you be sure that it won’t be yours?

I know I’m somewhat drunk, but I need it.

It’s what brings me the little pleasures in life.  And I feel I need to finish.

I’m not sleepy at all.  It’s 4:54 am.  I need to vent.  Please forgive me.

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Rank: 4

Post time 2005-4-10 17:17:16 |Display all floors

continued

Saturday night.  I used to party.  Yes, I’m drunk.

10 years ago.  I was drunk.  I was drunk on my freedom, my adulthood.

I excused myself from all the responsibilities other than to do well in school.

Morality?  What’s that?  I just young, and I was crazy.

Alpha Chi Omega, Tejas club.  Parties.  How I wish I could turn back the clock.

Or is that silly?

Petra, Holly, Kristin, Jennie, Andrea, Stacey….  Was I stupid or had I truly loved?

It was fun.  It was my younger years.  Now, they are my regrets.

Please, please.  Don’t do what I did.

Love isn’t enough.

And regret is what will haunt a man the most.

It’s the only feeling that won’t fade with time.

It’s the only feeling that will make you a prisoner.  A willing prisoner.

Nora.  My wife.  My love.  My curse.  What will I be?

I know what I should do.

I should set myself free.  There is no meaning in dying.

But I owe her.  The very thought brings tears to my eyes.

But there after almost 3 years of struggle, there is so little hope left.

Is a man’s life worth more if he goes down with the ship?

Is it my fate to be a martyr?  Is what I believe in worth dying for?

Or is there hope still?

Maybe I’m blind.  Maybe I’m being stupid.

Over almost 3 years now, I have shored myself up with my character.

"It’s cowardly to bail out on your wife."

"It’s not her fault that she’s schizophrenic.”

"it’s your fate, and you should endure.”

Shoot me.  Put me out of my misery.

I’m a tortured soul.  Like so many here in the forum.

I’m a phony.  I came here to learn.  But what I really seek is an escape.

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Rank: 4

Post time 2005-4-10 17:31:16 |Display all floors

continued

In 6 months, we would have been married 6 years.  9/6/1999.

I put up a brave front everyday when I go to work.

But there is no hope left.

It’s been 2 weeks since her doctors tried to bring her under control.

They warned me.  “Each relapse makes the next one more likely.”

Screw you!  UMHC.  You are the best hospital in the country and you can’t help my wife?

When I got 32 on my MCAT score, I was hoping to join you.

But my wife won’t let me.  She wanted to get married.   And I owe her.

God I wish I had a time machine.

But now, you leave me no hope.

Best university hospital in the country?  F-U!

Give me my life back!  At least give me hope.

F-U Pfizer!  I thought I was going to help people with my mind.

Now you have me working on wrinkle drugs?!  Am I a pawn?

What is my life?  Is there any meaning left for it?

God, you have taken my dignity.  But won’t you give me another chance?

Of the 1% people who suffer, why must I marry one?

So they say that you work in mysterious ways….

Are you just an imagination of my mind?  A God that doesn’t exist?

F-U!  F-me!  I got nothing left to lose.

I’m such a shadow of myself.

I just wish I could find peace.

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Rank: 4

Post time 2005-4-10 17:53:03 |Display all floors

it's 5:53 AM.

The same question haunts me everyday.

“Should I get on with my life?”

I’m not even 30 yet, but I have felt what no man should…

My parents have asked me to leave her, for more than 2 years now.

But it sounds so odd.

Their marriage was my role model.

They suffered through Cultural Revolution and gave birth to me.

When I was young, they use to tell me stories of their hardship.

Now, they are asking me to leave her?  Betray myself?!

I can’t!  It would destroy me!  Everything I built myself upon…

This drinking sucks. But I need it.  I need to vent!

What should I do?!  Forgive me?  Forgive my wife?  Forgive my parents?

I wish nothing like this would ever happen to anyone but me.

If you are in love, remember there is a 1% chance.

You probably don’t know what schizophrenia is like.

But it’s the destroyer of lives.  Especially if you are a good person.

Freedom.  There is no such thing.  It’s all an illusion.

For every freedom comes with responsibility.

And if you are true believer of good….

Then you will weigh the responsibility above your freedom.

Don’t marry young.  Please be sure.

Don’t be like me.  A wreck, a shadow of myself.

My high school 10-year reunion is on Nov 25th.

I got the invitation just two weeks ago.

Top of the class then.  Top of the world then.

Now I can’t even face my past…

Please forgive me.

I’m a good man.  And that’s all I have left worth living for…

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Post time 2005-4-10 18:15:19 |Display all floors

oh man

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