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What is love? |
She is my classmate of my primary school and a little older than me at that time. She is pretty and very active to talk with me about our homework.
She always appeared troubled about her study. She asked me lots of questions about our study, and of course I answered her very happily. I felt inside my heart that I really liked her very much and really enjoyed the time we’ve been together.
Sometimes we talked happily and she was really much help to me and I felt myself into a girl’s internal world.
We were enjoying reading each other’s diary. Through her words, seemingly I read a girl’s mind that’s so kind, so pure and so lovely and I was moved deeply. I found myself that this girl is what I want for my whole life.
I was happy to be with her but I still haven’t known from her whether she was in love with me. But seemingly I could feel her love at that special time.
After graduation from my primary school, we haven’t got a chance to talk with each other for 6 years. Gradually she was missing from my daily life and seemingly I began to miss her very much. She just became a dream girl in my heart.
I’ve never fallen in love with other girl since my first love. I was told that it is not love for simply we two even haven’t touched each other, no kissing, no further understanding between our deep minds. I just placed the love on the face. And I’m sure I’ve never introduced her into my real world to enjoy my what I’m interested in.
During my college years, I’ve felt good about some girls but seemingly there were always problems about myself. I must have some psychological disease in my body and heart and mind.
I’m not confident whether I will be ready to take care my loved ones. I’m worried that I don’t have enough money to buy the romance for my beloved. I’m afraid that I’m not handsome, not outstanding among my classmates and sometimes I even feared something.
In my deep mind, I was always worried something, always afraid of something.
Sometimes I’m really proud of my outstanding performance, I win in some English speaking contests. Really there are lots of people who once spoken highly about my strong mind and outstanding abilities. But you know, I was still not confident that I can deal with love successfully. Sometimes I really wanted to enter love with a girl, but later I found myself really impossible.
I didn’t believe in myself. I don’t know how to remove the strong and bad feelings about myself. I need power from mind and heart. How could I do that?