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each person will probably feel differently
I cannot tell you what love will feel like to you. But I can tell you what it is for me. |
There are two types of love for me: passionate love and wedded love.
Before I was married, passionate love was pretty much all I knew. For example, take one of my ex-girlfriends, Kristin. Being with her was a sense of losing myself. I thought, or maybe convinced myself, that she was everything I ever wanted. It's almost as if I was "high" on something addictive. I thought about her every moment I could spare, wanted to be with her every chance I got. Whenever we are together, sense of joy overwhelmed me. And even when she's not around, a mere thought of being loved by her would bring a smile to my face, and everything around me, the trees, the air, the sun, just felt so wondrously perfect. The relationship was like a giant whirlpool that drew me in. All I wanted was to feel more, to feel deeper, to have it all. At times, I was all man, protecting her against any real and imaginary threats, told her sincerely that I would die for her. At other times, I was like a foolish little kid, whining and doing things that I would be too embarrassed to speak of now. It didn't matter, all I wanted was to get another smile or another giggle out of her, anyway that I could.
But this type of love feels strongest when I realize just how vulnerable and painfully my heart rests on something that's so unreasonable and unstable. The first few breakups were the worst. When I was 16 years old, I remember I felt as if my heart exploded. Every emotion came rushing out, love, hate, self-loathing, jealousy, anger, and despair. I tried to play cool, but after she left and no one was around, I broke down and cried. Later, I took a knife and gashed my left palm. With the same passion that I felt for love, I swore that I would never love again; never to let my heart be taken away from me. When I think of it now, I can’t help but to sigh. I was too young, loved too deeply, and loved only with my heart. All the later breakups weren't as bad, although they were never easy.
That was 12 years ago. Now, I’ve been happily married for more than 5 years now. When I was dating my wife, much of the same passion once dominated. But the difference between her and all the other girls was that she somehow gave me a sense of assurance. Something about her made me look forward to marriage, and believed that we will be happy together for the rest of our lives. Yes, there is still passion, and yes she still makes me smile inexplicably when I think of her. But the love we feel is much more forward looking. I realized that all the previous relationships were seeking happiness for the moment. But she made me want to be a better man, and build a future for the both of us. Of course, there were plenty of times when we argued and fought, especially during the first couple of years of our marriage. But we both we both understood how we truly felt about each other, and we always came through.
5 years later, passion is even less important than it was in the beginning. In its place is just this warm feeling, an understanding that we live for the both of us. All the joy and sacrifices are shared, and without the melodrama that used to fill the previous relationships. Now love is largely not expressed with wild nights together, nor some expensive gifts or even bundles of flowers. Now, it’s that sweet kiss on the lips before we go to work in the morning. It’s in the aroma of her cooking when I return home. It’s in the clean clothing she gives me after I worked around the house. It’s in her smiles when I make her some soup when she’s ill. It’s in all these little things that give me a feeling of belonging to this home. It makes me feel anchored, assured that I grew up to be someone that I’m unashamed of. Because of it, I feel as peace and fulfilled. Perhaps, this is what it feels like to find the meaning of life.
I hope this wasn't too much rambling. Best of luck to you. ^^