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What do you think of your marriage?

Popularity 11Viewed 2105 times 2016-10-26 10:01 |Personal category:be brave|System category:Life| marriage, recently, question, because, friend


What is the most important thing in a good marriage? What makes a marriage go on? As a married woman, I should have had my own answers. However, it seems that I am really confused. The question has been lingering in my mind recently. And the incentive for this question is all because of my two friend’s experiences.

 

The first friend married to a Chenguan城管,a sub-police who does the job for the city management several years ago. Life goes smoothly for her and they soon had their lovely little baby girl. life blesses her a lot. She has everything ordinary but luxurious to others. She owns a secured job and income, no worry about mortgaging a house, no extra material life pressure, the parents of both sides are healthy and have their endowment insurance, which is quite a relief for them. My friend and her husband is what are called nowadays the “sandwich generation”. They are both the only child of their own family and now they are pressed between the parents, besides, now they have their little child to feed. Although being the sandwich generation, their life is still quite wonderful. I have been admiring what she possesses till one day she told me about her painful experience in that seemingly harmonious family.

She lives with her husband’s parents. And as ironically as the old story has always shows, she doesn’t get along well with the parents. Her husband, being the only child of the parents, has actually been spoiled by his parents since young age. And after getting married, he became even worse. What’s more, he was unable to deal with the worsen relationship between his parents and his wife. He listened to whatever his parents have said and has no sensible judge of his own. My friend was very disappointed and the situation upgrated when he beat my friend in front of their 4year-old daughter just because they could not reach a agreement. And I was quite surprised when she told me that it was not the first time that he used violence to settle things and his parents were both stay with him. She told me she was thinking about a divorce. Her face was blank when she was saying the unhappy experience and no more loving affection for the past. What have brought them to tie the knots? She said that is the mutual interests and the similar living life style. But she found that it turned out to be quite different after they really living together. He is such a lazy-bone and irresponsible man who is not ready to be a husband and a father. Therefore, the crisis appeared inevitably in the end. Then what may possibly save her marriage? Maybe the forgiveness and tolerance may help. But it will never last long if there is no love in it any longer. In my friend’s case, love is the only ligament to their marriage.

 

 

The other friend of mine has another problem which is also affecting her marriage. She is born an easily satisfied young woman with sunny nature. She married a very traditional man who is very reliable and caring. Her husband is a very responsible man and shows great respect to his parents. She lives happily in the family for nearly 6 years. She doesn’t have any daughter-in-law and mother-in-law issue. However, there is always a pity in their life which gradually shows its potential landmine power. That is the child issue. My friend is unluckily has some problem with her endocrine which makes her unable to become a mother for so many years. The couple have been working together to deal with problem in the past few years. Life was full of ebb and flow. She considered it was the cruel test given by life and she accepted it and fully believed that their love would withstand any difficulties. Then one day after provoking by the fact that another colleague of her husband has become a father, her husband showed great disappointment and agony. And he again showed doubt about what she had done. He blamed she was not initiative enough to deal with this problem. My friend was speechless after he gave her an explanation about how he thought about having a child. He said that he could not bear having no child in his life and although he could accept an adopted child he was not sure whether he could stay firm enough to keep their marriage if the chance of adopting a child would never come to them. She was heartbroken and for the first time she doubt about their love. She said she felt as if her belief had been ruined. Later on, as my friend put it, her husband apologized to her explaining that what he said say was just the overwhelming feeling and it was not true. She has a shadow in her mind from then on. Sometimes she could not help thinking about the worst result of her marriage. Again, she thought of the movie called “UP《飞屋环球记》。In the movie, the old man and his wife have an everlasting love though they have no child in their life. Movie is movie after all. many things are doomed to be beaten by reality.

For my friend, what to keep their marriage may be a child. What if the child never comes? Then will her husband choose to divorce? What about the love they have been building together after so many hard years if love really exists? Only time can tell.

 

I don’t want to compare their marriage with mine. Each one has his or her own unique story and the key to deal with the problem. I am only sure that keeping a marriage is not an easy task. What we need is intelligence and a mindset resilient enough to face something unpredictable and all kinds of challenges imaginable.

 


(Opinions of the writer in this blog don't represent those of China Daily.)


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Comment Comment (25 comments)

Reply Report BlondeAmber 2016-10-26 15:54
So one friend is married to a wife-beater and the other is married to an emotional black-mailer (looks like the second husband will probably use his wife's medical condition as an excuse to cheat.)

Question:
how long did each of the couples know each other before they were married?
less than a year?
a year?
more?

could it be that both of your friends were married under pressure before being knowing their husband long enough before marrying them?
why should any woman tolerate being married to an immature wife-beater for the sake of harmony or face?
is she some kind of masochist?
Reply Report SEARU 2016-10-26 21:10
The tree of love needs your blood, sweat and tear to water!
Reply Report voice_cd 2016-10-27 08:54
thanks for sharing here, we have highlighted your blog.
Reply Report ysyaileen 2016-10-27 10:09
BlondeAmber: So one friend is married to a wife-beater and the other is married to an emotional black-mailer (looks like the second husband will probably use his w ...
the first friend of mine married to her husband after they knew each other for maybe one year.. they are that kind of person who just want ot enjou life..kind of childish..
the second friend is a rational woman,she know what she want..
but life is full of unexpected thing and their marriage began out of love that is no doubt about it. because they have known each other long enough actually, i am the witness.
maybe because of all kinds of pressure so the husband will say somethiing like that...
i just hope that they will work out the problem later...
Reply Report ysyaileen 2016-10-27 10:10
voice_cd: thanks for sharing here, we have highlighted your blog.
    thanks a lot
Reply Report ysyaileen 2016-10-27 10:10
SEARU: The tree of love needs your blood, sweat and tear to water!
you bet!
Reply Report ysyaileen 2016-10-27 10:10
SEARU: The tree of love needs your blood, sweat and tear to water!
you bet!
Reply Report Kevinfly 2016-10-27 13:50
It is never only one side's fault in a failed marriage.

It is hard to deal with the relationship between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law for any husband, my suggestion is not to live together.
Reply Report ysyaileen 2016-10-27 16:38
Kevinfly: It is never only one side's fault in a failed marriage.

It is hard to deal with the relationship between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law for any h ...
i agree with u, and my friend had told her husband that the  only way to keep their marriage is to move out of the big family.
Reply Report BlondeAmber 2016-10-27 17:48
ysyaileen: i agree with u, and my friend had told her husband that the  only way to keep their marriage is to move out of the big family.
it is interesting that when non-Chinese say they don't want to live with the in-laws when married, more often than not we are told we are 'unfilial'.

Yet it is more emotionally healthy for a young couple especially to have the privacy to build their relationship independently from their parents.
Parental interference is NOT them showing love or care for the couple, but a form of imposing control.

For a husband or wife to continually hide behind their parents instead of communicating directly with their spouse shows that they were clearly not ready for marriage.
Reply Report BlondeAmber 2016-10-27 17:51
ysyaileen: the first friend of mine married to her husband after they knew each other for maybe one year.. they are that kind of person who just want ot enjou li ...
i can not believe that your first friend who is married to a man that abuses her still remains with him.
and it is disgusting that his parents don't intervene.

No amount of excuses from a wife beater makes him a good husband - no matter how wealthy he is.
a wife beater is a wife beater, and i know that he could be prosecuted for domestic abuse, yet no doubt to the stupid tradition of 'face' will fail to save herself and her daughter.
Reply Report Funny-boy 2016-10-28 09:45
There is the common phenomenon for settlement the family contradiction. husband shall play a major role in  between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law.if not, go out of big family for living is better choice.
Reply Report ysyaileen 2016-10-28 09:51
BlondeAmber: it is interesting that when non-Chinese say they don't want to live with the in-laws when married, more often than not we are told we are 'unfilial'.
...
it is the tradional ideas that lead to the difference. in china we have the saying that bringing up a child to guarantee your old age life.so when the parents are old the children must take care of them otherwise you will be labeled as unfilial. so if you live with your parents is will be good way of showing your care and filial peity.
but acutally,it is not good for the young couples. because the young have different life style. when they are living together, the fraction will appear anyway.
but luckily, nowadays more and more parents have change theri thoughts, they prefer to live near their children but not together which is a sensible choice i think. a certain distance will actually strenghten the relationship.
Reply Report ysyaileen 2016-10-28 09:57
BlondeAmber: i can not believe that your first friend who is married to a man that abuses her still remains with him.
and it is disgusting that his parents don't i ...
it is really a dilemma. my friend want to divorce her husband but she is worry about her daughter. because she want to give her child a complete family. she worries about her growth.
i am wondering whether the foreigners deal with this kind of problem in a different way.
i have read many articles about single mother who brought up the child by herself and live a happy life,, is it that true? or just some chicken soup articles?
Reply Report ysyaileen 2016-10-28 10:01
Funny-boy: There is the common phenomenon for settlement the family contradiction. husband shall play a major role in  between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law. ...
what you said is quite right.
i prefer not to live together with the parents.
not living together doesn't mean that you are unfilial. we just need some private space and above all , we have different living style
better prevent from the beginning.
Reply Report ysyaileen 2016-10-28 10:03
Kevinfly: It is never only one side's fault in a failed marriage.

It is hard to deal with the relationship between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law for any h ...
a certain distance will strenghten the love bond...
Reply Report BlondeAmber 2016-10-28 13:47
ysyaileen: it is really a dilemma. my friend want to divorce her husband but she is worry about her daughter. because she want to give her child a complete famil ...
by remaining in an abusive relationship, your friends daughter will be more damaged than in a single parent household.
The child will grow to think a man hitting a woman (husband hitting a wife) is normal between husband and wife, and ok.
Children are very sensitive to this kind of thing.
such emotional damage could be life-long where the child will accept casual male violence as the norm in a man/woman relationship and the cycle will continue.

Many divorced women successfully raise emotionally healthy and mentally strong children.

Hitting a woman, especially if a child witnesses it regularly is wrong and criminal, or does your friend not understand that?
Children can pick up on underlying tensions between parents and the psychological damage could be life-long.

Your friend should divorce her husband and remove the child.
how can she fail to understand that her husband is a thug and a bully, and certainly won't change if he is supported by his parents?

Your friends husband is a criminal so i can't understand why she has not reported him to the police, or does she not care about what damage is being done to both herself and her child by remaining?
Reply Report 宁檬 2016-10-28 15:28
Tough question! As someone who hasn't experienced marriage yet and is still looking forward to it, I knew the cases you listed here are not rare. Love seems so fragile in face of hardships, and it seems women are always stronger than men in dealing with them bravely than just giving up with excuses. Being tolerant will not solve all the problems and is exhaustive, and only effective communications and mutual efforts in tackling problems will make the marriage last long.
Reply Report DMZappa 2016-10-30 23:18
Agape Love.
Reply Report foreignchinese 2016-10-31 07:13
Marriage has a strange phenomenon. Inevitably, when you are in you want to be out. But when you are out, you wish you are in.

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