My Secret Garden
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Upset soul seeking for a out-let

Popularity 1Viewed 628 times 2017-11-12 19:17 |System category:Life

Being so upset, I could calm myself not. I am getting dizzy and mad in my mind. I don't want to have this feeling. It's like having a heavy stone in my stomach and so much eagerness to work on something but without a reason. I want to take a deep breath to curb my evil madness in my body. Now comes my meditation to sooth the evil madness off my brain.

What is important and urgent that I have to work on now isn't emerging in my mind. I could not think of a thing to work on. I am not thinking of my family, my teachers, my roommates and all other things in the world but emptiness. The emptiness is so huge that nothing else can take its way into my mind. I am completely occupied with junks of no meaning at all.

I am not willing to pick up my homework which I should complete before class. I don't even think of efforts that should be paid to improve my study. It seems everything becomes meaningless, especially my life.

I do show my sympathy for the Africans who lived under the threats of attacks by militarys or gunmen. But I lose all my energy to let my sympathy out. It is so ridicular of me to stay in this state of spirit. I am of so low spirit.

But I don't want to release any negative effects to anyone that takes a glimpse on my blog in their leisure. I want to make myself happy, too. But how? I will be a graduate not soon. I will face with pressure from work if I do have a job to do.

At this moment I seem to give up my life though I am not committing suicide. I am not eager for a wonderful or beautiful life after graduation. But I am not acting with the principle of Laozi's which reads "Don't have to try anything but everything is done"(无为而治in Chinese). That is a advisable principle for some followers but my way is to live like a stone. Let me illustrate further. A stone exists since the day it was born when some chemical elements combined together. When the rain falls on its face, it faces the rain but to erose a little by a little day by day. When the sun sheds its light on its face, it faces the light but to crack  a little by a little day by day. Now unfortunately, I feels myself being  like the stone. I am a stone without ambition to work out my talents, without confidence in achieving an ideal position in the world, or without sense of humor to face the bad with postitive attitudes.

A philosopher said, accepting what happens in your life, sweet or bitter brings happiness to you. Now I am not accepting what happens but ignoring what happens to me that happiness is afraid to meet up with me, fleeing while seeing my restless facial expression.

I hope words I typed here will smooth my madness and cure my ignorance of what happens and what will happen and help me figure out what is important to me.

(Opinions of the writer in this blog don't represent those of China Daily.)




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