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What I didn't know

Popularity 1Viewed 933 times 2017-4-27 17:27 |Personal category:life|System category:Life| emotional, friends, advice, happy


In the past half year, quite a lot of emotional tumult has been witnessed in my life. For some time, I was even sightly depressed. One of my friends even suggested me to seek for professional advice. Nothing made me happy. I was utterly disappointed with myself and with my life.

 

About two and half years ago when I was hunting for a job after securing my master degree, I wrote this blog about how harsh reality hit me in a totally unexpected way and in a way sort of dragged me from the imaginary heaven onto the real but cruel world. Life tried to knock some sense into me by shaking me violently to awake me from my pipe dreams I had even before my graduation.

 

But this didn't last long before I embarked on a career which basically turned me into an absolute workaholic. At the beginning, I worked as a part-time IELTS teacher in a university and a language center located in a city which sits a bit far away from Changsha. Obviously, I devoted myself to work.

 

At that time, to be able to find a job and to be able to earn excellent money were of vital importance to my bruised self-image. Because for all that time, I was not a hundred percent sure about my decision of studying overseas. After graduation, I desperately wanted to prove that it was the right thing to do and my parents' hard-earned money didn't go down the drain. Of course, the most direct ways I could come up with was to find a well-paid job and to show that I was quite capable in English teaching.

 

After approximately half a year, I achieved both these two goals on relative terms. But of course it didn't come at no cost. I basically buried myself in work. I clearly remembered that I would have about 8 hours class every day and it could go on like this more than ten days without a break. What's worse, I had to burn midnight oil in order to make sure all the lessons were prepared and all the assignments were graded in time. I was like on a wheel turning very quickly and if I were stopped too suddenly, I was pretty sure I would be spun into the thin air.

 

I was physically and psychologically so drained that I just wanted catch up some sleep or stayed indoor when it came to weekends(This is partly associated with my lack of interest in exercise). I didn't share housework with my sister even though we lived under the same roof.

 

When I come to think of it, the only benefit and a pathetic one was that I was able to buy myself temporary happiness or amend my relationship with my sister or mom by buying them gifts.

 

When I was in it, never did it come to me it could be so wrong. I was so used to that sort of life that everything seemed right as long as I was still able to use the money I earned to buy me fabulous clothes or fantastic holidays occasionally.

 

But, the sales in the company basically slumped after the change of the manager. The atmosphere in my workplace was so gloomy that most of us felt doomed. Nobody was busy with anything. The once hectic work life halted and left me a great deal of free time with too many things to ponder over and too many decisions to make. I was again standing at an intersection of life having to choose  to leave or stay. I started looking for other opportunities and then turned them down as I wasn't that satisfied with the payment and complicated management rules and working schedule.

 

The next thing I knew was that I was lost all over again.  I was wondering that whether I should change my field of work; I was also thinking about furthering education. With my saving going into the installment of a flat then, it would be daydreaming to think about holiday. The loss of control over my life and the aimlessness about the future life rendered me hopeless as well as powerless.

 

For a relatively short period, I drowned myself in this kind of status. I constantly felt worried and anxious. Confiding in my parents and close friends was able to put a band-aid to my wound. But I was still not able to pull myself out of depression. Even simply reading sad stories made me feel frustrated and made me brimmed with negative feelings.

 

I knew things could go terribly wrong if it continued. So I decided to stop reading and writing altogether and in the meantime I stopped trying to constantly making my life meaningful.

 

Overwhelmed by anxiety and unhappiness, I tried very hard to figure out why I was so unhappy. After all, in the first place, I decided to become an English teacher mainly because I truly wanted to help students improve their English learning and the great sense of accomplishment I gained from that further fueled my determination. So why wasn't I sensing that sort of happiness any more?

 

I was only able to answer this question after I finished reading the book-social psychology. Apparently,  with time passing by, I started associating the amount of money I could earn with the value of my existence. The power of this exterior stimulus far surpassed my interior passion and love towards this job. I was gradually doing my job solely for the financial stimulus and not for my love.

 

In order to find my inner motivation again, I decided to do more for my students to help them in English learning. Simple help does breed the sense of pure happiness and makes one feel valued and important.

 

Understanding this, it became much easier for me to unravel the bewilderment in my mind. Although I am still not sure where I am going to head and what I am going to do with my life, I now have my own small goals and have things I love to do. After all, the meaning of life is never definite. We define the meaning of life  while searching and exploring in this world. That is a part of glamour of life.

(Opinions of the writer in this blog don't represent those of China Daily.)


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Comment Comment (3 comments)

Reply Report seneca 2017-5-12 19:48
I like your blogs. Pity that I discovered them only this late.
Reply Report Min1989 2017-5-15 10:53
seneca: I like your blogs. Pity that I discovered them only this late.
Thank you so much. You have made my day.
Reply Report seneca 2017-5-15 11:37
You  write  very  well. Such  blogs deserve  more attention.

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  • Lord of the Flies 2017-5-26 09:20

    I have never read the book but I have seen a movie version when I was young and I watched some if a more recent adaptation recently. In my opinion International High Schools should be banned. You think Jack would be serving the public in peacetime or turning people into monsters in war do you? In my opinion International High School students are a bunch of Piggies that believe themselves to be what you think Jack is. A class of Piggies being nurtured to act as enemies of the publics of whatever nation they claim to be from. Piggy offspring of a class of piglets that have inherited the earth apparently. It seems that every regular contributor to this forum is some piglet that works against the people of earth for some secret class of international piglets. It seems that this forum is some kind of international piglet initiative. I think it would be a good thing if a boulder was dropped on every last one of you piglets. You are pretenders. You need to hide in the shadows because deep down you all know yourselves to be worthless piglets that do not deserve your places in this world. You piglets know that you need to hide yourselves and your evil intentions from the rest of us. None of you are Jack. You are all Piggy.

  • The Sun is Also a Star 2017-5-23 11:41

    Thank you for the compliment, my friend. I do not know how many books I have read but I do know that not a day passes with me not at least browsing in some. What is more important, though, is whether any of these books have left a permanent memory. Luckily I can say that some books have done so.

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