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Leftovers 剩女 and why many westerners will still marry them.

Popularity 34Viewed 15458 times 2014-5-8 18:27 |Personal category:foreign perspective|System category:Life| 剩女

To get some background on this topic, first I suggest you read these threads 

http://bbs.chinadaily.com.cn/forum.php?mod=viewthread&tid=889903&highlight=leftover

http://bbs.chinadaily.com.cn/forum.php?mod=viewthread&tid=822637&highlight=leftover

I wish to answer the question as to why westerners like "leftovers" as many Chinese people seem stumped by this. I of course am speaking for myself and do not speak for all Westerners, everyone has their own opinions on the matter, here are mine. 

1. Stop calling them leftovers. 

What a degrading way to call a woman, this is a truly awful phrase that should not be used in China. I feel so sorry for the ladies who are in this situation. For any such leftovers reading this, you are not leftovers, just woman in a certain situation that, in China, is not a very advantageous situation to be in. Do not despair however or think that there is something wrong with you. YOU ARE NORMAL. 

2. These women are beautiful

Beauty is entirely subjective and what we call beautiful today is not what it has always been. Society influences everything you do and say and we should look to try not be so influenced by the society and prevailing culture. these older ladies are just as beautiful and sometimes more beautiful than younger Chinese girls. Just because she is old doesn't take away her Beauty. I would also say they are more experienced and as such, in many cases their characters and personalities have more experience and more depth and in this way they are certainly more beautiful. Learn to look beneath the surface. nowadays Skinny and white is what is beautiful in China, but you must realise this was not always the case, even in the tang dynasty more plump women were the norm. Just because someone is not skinny does not make them not beautiful. Many of these ladies are more accomplished as people, have a wealth of experience and can enrich your life in ways that an 18 year old cannot. 

3. These women are used goods (have slept with another man)

This has two problems, first off, I would prefer to sleep with someone who is experienced than someone who has no idea about their own body, their own sexuality and is nervous in bed. So what if she slept with another man, does it matter? Her past has nothing to do with you whatsoever in any way. Why does it bother you, think about that. If it bothers you that she has maybe slept with someone then I think the problem lies within your own insecurities in the bedroom and has nothing to do with her. Second, why is it ok for Chinese men to be older, marry, divorce then easily remarry without getting such a title as "leftover" I think that is twisted, really twisted and amazingly sexist. What's good for the goose is good for the gander as we would say. 

4. society is also an inherent issue here. 

Don't bow down to societal pressures as they are not always correct. I would cite Hitler's extermination of the Jews as an example, where many in 1930's/40's Germany would feel that they should tell on Jews who are living nearby as that's what was expected of them. We now know this to be so wrong in so many ways. I know such things are easier said than done but until you learn to stand up against the current norm, you will be kept underfoot forever. Please, just because society expects it of you doesn't mean you have to do it, this goes for younger people too. If you don't want to marry, if you don't want children....that's honestly ok. It should be your decision and yours alone, no one else's. 

5. fetish for the younger generations

As for the older Chinese men who are looking for Young girls (This goes for any older men, not just Chinese men) you should only be with this girl if you truly love her. Yes love conquers boundaries but in many cases it's a somewhat symbiotic relationship where the girl becomes financially secure and the man has a trophy wife. Do you really really want to be in a loveless marriage, knowing that the person is more in love with your wallet than she is with you. How can you lay there next to her if you know this to be the case. And is money everything, how can you be with someone only for money. I promise you that doesn't lead to happiness and at the end of your life I think you will regret it all. If you truly do love each other, by all means go ahead, I know that's not the case with all couples with an age gap. 

6. Why do the westerners love leftovers?

I wouldn't love "leftovers" as in my eyes that's not how I see her. I see her for the woman she is, not some wasted good that is to be left by the wayside. I see the strong character that may reside within them, the maturity that comes with experience(something seriously lacking in the younger generation and I can probably include myself in this). I see the independence that many of them have developed and appreciate their stronger characters. I tell you, if I marry a woman I do not want her dependent on me for the sake of my children. We can die any day and if I die, I want to know that my wife can handle herself on her own and won't crumble under pressure leaving my child with an awful upbringing. In finding an older, more mature lady you can find such strength. I have noticed myself, most of my Chinese friends, both male and female, who I go for coffee with are at least 5-6 years older than me. Many of the Chinese people around my age I find to be very immature and we have nothing in common. 

I am not saying young girls are not without their qualities, and many of them are just as mature. But still, boys, do not overlook the "maturer ladies" as I am now going to call them, realise what it is that makes you tick, what you find attractive in a girl. If it's simply for her gorgeous body or her pretty face then don't complain on the day of your divorce. really, for marriage, looks certainly are not everything. 

(Opinions of the writer in this blog don't represent those of China Daily.)


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Comment Comment (55 comments)

Reply Report freedom_seeking 2014-5-8 20:33
Maybe someone just cannot accept the relationship that we call "姐弟恋" and gets used to dating or marrying a young lady. The concept has been deep-rooted for a long time and it's hard to transform it in the short term, me thinks, so we wait and see if it will turn around. But I don't care as long as the age difference is acceptable and the gap is not too big.
Reply Report KimFreya 2014-5-8 21:44
Sometimes the "leftovers" are not caused by men but the ladies themselves. My aunt is also the "leftover" and every time we ask her whether she has a boyfriend, she says no. It's almost 10 years and she is still single. Now she doesn't want to find a boyfriend.
Reply Report seanboyce88 2014-5-8 21:59
KimFreya: Sometimes the "leftovers" are not caused by men but the ladies themselves. My aunt is also the "leftover" and every time we ask he ...
But my point is, if that is your aunt's choice, there is nothing wrong with that. It's not a bad thing to not want a husband. If she is happy as she is then why not?
Reply Report KimFreya 2014-5-8 22:18
seanboyce88: But my point is, if that is your aunt's choice, there is nothing wrong with that. It's not a bad thing to not want a husband. If she is happy as she i ...
I don't know the reason why she is single. But is it really true the "leftovers " are disliked by men?
Reply Report seanboyce88 2014-5-8 22:19
KimFreya: I don't know the reason why she is single. But is it really true the "leftovers " are disliked by men?
Read the threads I linked in the blog. I don't think so but some Chinese boys do.
Reply Report KimFreya 2014-5-8 22:28
seanboyce88: Read the threads I linked in the blog. I don't think so but some Chinese boys do.
If one day I become the leftover and disliked by those men, I won't like them, either. Ah, maybe that's one reason.
Reply Report seanboyce88 2014-5-8 22:31
KimFreya: If one day I become the leftover and disliked by those men, I won't like them, either. Ah, maybe that's one reason.
I think you should dislike the men now who dislike older ladies or speaks badly about them, not just when you yourself are older.
Reply Report KimFreya 2014-5-8 22:35
seanboyce88: I think you should dislike the men now who dislike older ladies or speaks badly about them, not just when you yourself are older.
That's right. By the way, do you know an American who is in his thirties has a girlfriend aged 91?
Reply Report seanboyce88 2014-5-8 22:39
KimFreya: That's right. By the way, do you know an American who is in his thirties has a girlfriend aged 91?
What, here in harbin...or like a famous person?

I have seen tv shows documenting these types of relationships. They are interesting to say the least.
Reply Report KimFreya 2014-5-8 22:43
seanboyce88: What, here in harbin...or like a famous person?

I have seen tv shows documenting these types of relationships. They are interesting to say the least.
I felt it a little strange but...it's none of my business
Reply Report seanboyce88 2014-5-9 11:22
freedom_seeking: Maybe someone just cannot accept the relationship that we call "姐弟恋" and gets used to dating or marrying a young lady. The concept has be ...
But why can't people accept it? To solve a problem, you must first get to the root of it, why won't they accept it?
Reply Report freedom_seeking 2014-5-9 12:48
seanboyce88: But why can't people accept it? To solve a problem, you must first get to the root of it, why won't they accept it?
You gotta know sometimes some ladies' requirements to a man are a little too high. So it's hasty to attribute all to a man, me thinks. It's hard to explain that well. Maybe they prefer to be single until they run into the ideal guy or Mr. Right.
Reply Report seanboyce88 2014-5-9 18:20
freedom_seeking: You gotta know sometimes some ladies' requirements to a man are a little too high. So it's hasty to attribute all to a man, me thinks. It's hard to ex ...
I don't know too much about this aspect of dating, what do the ladies sometimes require of a man? I heard you often need a house and car (which already i think is a lot) what else can they ask for?
Reply Report freedom_seeking 2014-5-9 20:02
seanboyce88: I don't know too much about this aspect of dating, what do the ladies sometimes require of a man? I heard you often need a house and car (which alread ...
You must be handsome, gentle and romantic or whatever
Reply Report voice_cd 2014-5-10 12:06
Thanks for sharing your story here, we have highlighted your blog.
Reply Report seanboyce88 2014-5-10 12:40
voice_cd: Thanks for sharing your story here, we have highlighted your blog.
thank you
Reply Report 周忠 2014-5-10 13:50
every male should take a wife and every female should take a husband.
Reply Report PatrickInBeijin 2014-5-10 18:53
Nice post.  I agree there are no such things as "leftovers" except in the refrigerator, and ummm, the leftover pizza I'm having for dinner.
Interestingly, I have several female friends (Chinese), who, though divorced (and even have kids) have managed to get married for a second time to Chinese men.  I find that more and more men are modern and feel that loving someone who loves them back is most important. (That and loving someone who will help take care of parents!).
Thanks for the insights.
Reply Report seanboyce88 2014-5-10 21:48
PatrickInBeijin: Nice post.  I agree there are no such things as "leftovers" except in the refrigerator, and ummm, the leftover pizza I'm having for dinner.
...
I hope you are right, sometimes reading the BBS part of the site would make you think otherwise :p
Reply Report Azindoo 2014-5-11 02:56
I like your first address by saying that ladies aren't leftovers .Thanks .

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