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I (American) fell in love with a Chinese woman

Popularity 102Viewed 88461 times 2013-5-2 11:54 |System category:Life| love, Chinese

Here is my introductory post to this forum. I found ChinaDaily forums in a moment of desperation. I didn't want to lose her due to some cultural (?) misunderstanding.

Here is a brief synopsis:

- We met by accident through work, in August 2012. We work at a global company. Chatted, and became interested in each other after three chats.

- Learned more about each other; could not stop thinking about each other. I was married at the time.

- My marriage was not going well; was getting worse with each year. So I divorced my wife of 8 years, while we had our 6 month old baby. Already, many people here think I'm a bad man for doing it. But I decided I would rather start fresh and have a chance for lasting happiness than to suffer through a bad marriage.

- The divorce is complete now, as of April 2013.

- Now, we planned our next two visits: I will visit her in June, during Dragon Boat Festival. She will visit me in late July, with her son. Then, we will make arrangements for her to marry and immigrate. Maybe if it will take a while, I will visit her again in October.

Meanwhile, I read here to try to learn more about the thought processes, culture, and news from China. Hopefully without coming across too many more America-bashers who are way too serious about politics. ;)

For updates, see the comments and responses below and my other blogs.

Update, Nov. 26, 2014: Been married 6 months now, and all is well. Ivy is working on her driver's license. Still waiting for the government to issue the green card. She's a little bored at home without work. Sometimes, she thinks too much about simple things until they become big problems in her mind, and we fight over it. 

We don't have much money, (as my ex-wife is taking a big chunk of my salary for child support and daycare) but we have a warm family life. When she finds work, probably early next year, things will look up; we will look to buy a house.

(Opinions of the writer in this blog don't represent those of China Daily.)

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Reply Report kyleliu 2013-5-2 23:01
You do have the right to purchase your happiness and no need to maintaine a bad marrige from personal right point of view. But in Chinese culture which emphasizes a lot on familiy relationship and accountability, your behavior of divorce like this is not so adorable especially after with a baby born 6 month. But you actually have not made a clear adescription of your culture misunderstanding.
Reply Report Smaug 2013-5-3 00:19
kyleliu: You do have the right to purchase your happiness and no need to maintaine a bad marrige from personal right point of view. But in Chinese culture whic ...
My misunderstanding was this:

She did not want to tell her coworkers, who were offering to find her a man, that she already has a man.

I was insulted, because she would not admit that she already had a man!

She said not to worry, because they were just 'holiday words' from her coworkers. I said it is not the point; the point is you should admit that you have a man, or else I feel like nothing.

My question was: is her behavior (not admitting that she has a man already) cultural, or unique to her? and in the general opinion, who do you think was in the right?

I think this was clear in the linked thread; did you read that?
Reply Report thedrunkingp 2013-5-3 08:45
to be honest dude, you are hardly dating. of course she will not say she has found someone, because technically you are just a very good internet friend that has met a few times.

from my experience (im married living in china) she wants security. you left your wife and 6 month old baby. thats not the message that she wants to recieve. if you can do that to your 6 month old baby, what will stop you from doing it to her in the future when your marriage starts hitting some problems?

she will get a passport for her son, you will get sex now and then and the transaction is complete. it wont be the first time ive heard of chinese woman quickly marrying and emigrating so thier kids can have a better education. (an example of this was a couple i met on a train. husband couldnt speak chinese, wife couldnt speak english. moving to australia so son can get a good education)
Reply Report thedrunkingp 2013-5-3 09:26
reading all the comments on your introductionary post, i think you are blind.
you dont really know anything about the culture of china, you kno nothing about chinese women (i can assure you, they are not the same as in the west) and if you think you can understand all this just by chatting everyday on the internet everyday, then you might need to change your medication. im not trying to insult you, im merely telling you the truth.

think about things over, without the rose tinted glasses. she obviously speaks good english. there are plenty of foreigners living in china that would accept her. so why would she want you? because you have said very very quickly about applying for her green card. when she comes over with her son, look where she wants to go. i can assure you if she doesnt like the area you are living in, then she will say "bye bye" she is coming over to checkout her new home.

you are going to get very badly burned my friend.
Reply Report ross-chang 2013-5-3 11:23
there are so many difference between Amarican and chinese, especially about the famale, the lady you love is a single-mother, she don't need the word of love, she need a honest man and a peaceful family. If you think you can give her these, OK, do it. Let her believe you can do this, show her.  I think you can go to the same city with her, and she can understand you face to face, not only in the internet.  I don't know it work or not, but you can try it.
Reply Report Dillonb1950 2013-5-3 11:46
It's absolutely doomed to fail. You met her on the rebound and you will be carrying many unresolved issues into this relationship and you will avoid them by the "newness" of this new relationship but when the work of the relationship begins your old issues will surface.If you have not done all you can and more to resolve with your ex and have avoided this it is likely because you both lacked conflict resolution skills. People bounce from relationship to relationship and ALWAYS blame the other and never look at themselves. If they do it's very very surface. Not saying this is you but that is a very common general pattern.
Reply Report Dillonb1950 2013-5-3 12:00
BTW she is ALREADY hiding so if this doesn't tell you something and you cannot see this then you will get burned so bad and so fast it'll make your head spin.Chinese women are NOT like western women as one poster has mentioned. You both have a pattern going for you individually that anyone who knows about relationships can see a mile away. She has a child just like the relationship you left. your ex. I don't know what her story is but she also has a pattern. Don't believe me I really don't care but come and look back on these words say in 4 years...half the time of your last relationship...that too is a pattern.
Reply Report Jessica.Ji 2013-5-3 13:20
for me ,i like speaking  loudly of my love becasue i love him despite he has nothing at the moment.your friend do not introduce you to her coworkes,in other words,she wants to choose the best man and you are not that guy.if you really love her,just be brave and do something to become her final choice,otherwise leave her.
Reply Report fatdragon 2013-5-3 13:58
If a Chinese girl hasn't proudly shown you off to friends, relatives, especially the parents, then she isn't planning to marry you.
Reply Report vickyomelette 2013-5-3 16:21
As a Chinese girl,  i feel confused, sometimes i think , ok, that is fair, since one couple don't like each other,then break up,but as a girl, once they break up with their boyfriend or husband, life change so much and no security comes to her, maybe secirity is a matter, she is just not sure what your future will be or something else....
Reply Report gooddog 2013-5-3 17:15
My suggestion! Don't write your final exams without doing your home work first. It's easy to jump in a relationship but it will take a lawyer to get you out of it.
Reply Report Smaug 2013-5-3 20:38
Jessica.Ji: for me ,i like speaking  loudly of my love becasue i love him despite he has nothing at the moment.your friend do not introduce you to her coworkes,in ...
@ Jessica.Ji: It is a little more complex than just introducing me to her coworkers, because we work at the same company, and she is in a position in China equivalent to that of my boss. She wants to move here and stay with our company.
Reply Report Smaug 2013-5-3 20:56
fatdragon: If a Chinese girl hasn't proudly shown you off to friends, relatives, especially the parents, then she isn't planning to marry you.
She has shown me off to friends and relatives, and told coworkers about me, just not ALL of the coworkers, as she says it is none of their business. (she is a lower manager, and some of her staff know me.)
Reply Report Smaug 2013-5-3 21:03
ross-chang: there are so many difference between Amarican and chinese, especially about the famale, the lady you love is a single-mother, she don't need the word  ...
Thanks for having a little faith, Ross. Yes, I have gone to see her in Guangzhou last year for 2 weeks. I'm going again next month, and she just bought her airfare to come with her son to visit me in July. Yes, I try to show her I'm a good man. Her son needs a father figure, and I will do that as much as I can. (it is hard now, because he is only just learning English, and cannot converse yet with me)
Reply Report Smaug 2013-5-3 21:08
thedrunkingp: to be honest dude, you are hardly dating. of course she will not say she has found someone, because technically you are just a very good internet frie ...
Well thedrunkingp, thanks for your candid comments. I have a lot of faith in her, and vice versa. She did not WANT to move here. She is well set-up in China. Moving here creates a lot of difficulty for her and her son. Language, citizenship, finding new work. Not only that, but in China (as I understand it) a good education is government-sponsored, as long as one has good grades. Her son consistently scores upper 90% range on all his tests, so education is not a concern for them in China. Here though, it is not just tests, but also money! Higher education costs a lot of money here.

She is actually giving up a lot to come here and start a new life with me.

Why does she want me? Because I'm a nice, honest, open guy who treats her well. She was not looking for a foreigner.

You said that you read all the comments in that thread. Either you and a couple others are right and I'm blinded by love, or you're narrow-minded and just assume I'm naive to believe in her.
Reply Report kurtmit 2013-5-3 21:39
Don't read much into any of the comments.  There's truth and fiction in all of them.  One of the more profound inaccuracies is the idea that chinese and american women are different.  Of course they are, and they aren't.  It's a big world and defining oddly arbitrary boundaries is a mistake endeavor.  (American married to Chinese woman.)
Reply Report julie_tagum03 2013-5-4 08:07
Well, if you really love her...Go. Traditional differences is not a problem if both parties love each other. The bitter part if she will just use you to migrate. Hope not...it hurts. Ill pray for the success of your union. God bless.
Reply Report fatdragon 2013-5-4 09:07
So you are in trouble then - she's serious.  Good luck! Patience and understanding are the keys to success.
Reply Report crdw123 2013-5-6 23:57
Don't know how beautiful she is, but I believe that she is very attractive, otherwise, you won't abandon your wife and son.
Reply Report Smaug 2013-5-8 03:06
crdw123: Don't know how beautiful she is, but I believe that she is very attractive, otherwise, you won't abandon your wife and son.
Well, I didn't abandon my daughter. Actually I wanted as much custody as I could get, but it turns out the system favors the mother most of the time.

I did abandon my ex-wife. I'm not obligated to stay with someone who doesn't respect me.

As for my girlfriend, I don't think she would be considered beautiful by most Chinese people, judging by the headline threads posted in this forum. She is not tall, she doesn't have round eyes from cosmetic surgery, she has a couple white hairs; just a nice normal lady. In general, I find Asian women attractive. Just about any woman with a good mind and who is not fat, I can grow to like. So it is mostly about personality for me.

Being open-minded and not stubborn. Being kind and respectful; not immediately discounting my opinions out of arrogance; that kind of thing.

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